The Last Testament: A Memoir (32 page)

¹¹
(Besides which, there is also the matter of authorial courtesy; for I understand he is currently in negotiations with HarperCollins.)

¹²
But his unsuccessful temptation of Jesus is not classified; it is right there in the Synoptic Gospels for all to see, so I do not mind mentioning it here.

¹³
And this seems an apt time also to discuss the little else I am willing to tell thee about the devil; for none of it is new information, but rather mere confirmation of things thou hast long suspected.

¹⁴
For the devil is, indeed, the fallen angel Lucifer.

¹⁵
And Lucifer did, indeed, lead a rebellion against me; and I did, indeed, suppress it, and cast him out.

¹⁶
And ever since, Lucifer hath, indeed, sought to lure mankind into the path of evil.

¹⁷
And he doth, indeed, do this by projecting himself and his evil messages into books, and shadows, and weird murmurings in the forest, and creaking sounds in the dark, and R-rated movies, and whatever the latest, most youth-oriented form of music is.

¹⁸
And he doth, indeed, especially love heavy-metal; into the recording sessions whereof he does, indeed, sneak, that he may insert backward messages into songs; for he believeth retrograde gibberish laid inaudibly under ear-shattering grindcore, to be the most effective way to promote his views.

¹⁹
And he doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul; and if they agree, he doth, indeed, have them sign a contract; for though he is the amoral Prince of All Lies, he hath for some reason an unshakable respect for tort law.

²⁰
And he doth, indeed, have red skin; and horns; and a long curved tail; and a trident.

²¹
And he did, indeed, go down to Georgia, and lose a violin competition there to a young musician named Johnny; whereupon he did, indeed, give his beloved golden fiddle to Johnny; who thereupon did, indeed, call him a son of a bitch.

²²
Yea, there is only one widely held belief about the devil that is a misconception; and even that only partially so.

²³
The number of the devil is
not
666.

²⁴
That is only his area code; his full number is unlisted.

CHAPTER 12

¹
I
t is not my intention here to outline the final three years of Jesus’s life, for of those there is more than enough record; all four Gospels tell the story in magnificent detail.

²
My favorite of these is Matthew, but Mark has its moments; and John’s literary style is at times quite engaging.

³
Luke stinks.

⁴
But I will offer
my
recollections of Jesus during his ministry; for I was not only a witness but a participant, in frequent contact with him during that time; as was H. G., whose interest in his younger brother’s vocation remained avid.

⁵
Soon after resisting the devil’s temptations, H. G., Jesus, and I gathered one day for a strategy session in Jesus’s cerebellum.

⁶
It quickly devolved into a shouting match between Jesus and me; for he wanted his ministry to consist of preaching and hugging and telling people he loved them and baking them vegan millet loaves;

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While I wanted it to consist of upbraiding heretics and slaughtering animals and afflicting the wicked with liver disease.

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Finally, just as Jesus was limbering up his orbicularis oculi in preparation for the Look, H. G. stepped forward and said, “Dad, Jeez, it’s very simple: PAM.

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PAM. Parables, Apostles, Miracles.

¹⁰
That’s it. That’s all we need.

¹¹
For in my many travels around the world I have observed human beings of every size and shape and color and socioeconomic background, and there are three things that never fail to impress them:

¹²
Stories, entourages, and magic.

¹³
So let us write some parables; let us write them so as to have wide popular appeal; meaning nothing too artsy, Jesus, and nothing too bloody, Dad.

¹⁴
And then let us gather apostles to help spread the Word; it matters not exactly how many, though my instinct says somewhere between ten and the low teens.

¹⁵
And then the miracles ... well, the miracles will be the easy part.

¹⁶
What do you say? Let us PAM.

¹⁷
Say it with me: PAM. PAM.

¹⁸
PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM!”

¹⁹
His excitement was contagious; and soon all three of us were dancing around shouting “PAM!”;

²⁰
For even I am not immune to the power of a catchy slogan.

CHAPTER 13

¹
S
o we adapted H. G.’s PAM mantra; and we began by composing a body of parables for Jesus, proven material he could fall back on whenever his newer stuff bombed.

²
But our worries were unfounded; for from the moment he began his first sermon Jesus spellbound the crowd with his passion, sincerity, empathy, and prop work.

³
Nor did he need much help crafting his parables; for he took to the form like Aesop to fables, or Sparks to schlock;

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Proving most adept at condensing complex moral and theological issues into lively stories that conveyed a message without being preachy.

⁵
Indeed, every utterance of Jesus in the Gospels is memorable and inspired; but in reviewing them again for this book—for verily, the last edition of the New Testament I read was Gutenberg’s—it struck me that a few sections and quotations have come to feel dated.

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So I have provided below, and in the two chapters that follow, new versions of four of his parables, and various of his other utterances; which

H. G. and I have revised in accordance with the spirit of thine age, and with Jesus’s full, albeit unspoken and unsought, permission.

THE PRODIGAL SON

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A certain farmer had two sons, and the younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me.”

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So he divided in two his estate; and soon after the younger son ceased tilling his father’s land, and began wasting himself with riotous living.

⁹
He continued in this manner for years, his condition ever worsening, his denials ringing ever hollower; until one day he hit rock bottom, drunkenly falling off Mount Hebron and landing on a rock at the bottom.

¹⁰
And as he lay there half-dead, I came to him in his delirium and said, “My name is Jesus Christ, and I am an interventionist.

¹¹
Thou art addicted, my son, addicted to sin, and it is a sickness; for maketh no mistake, addiction
is
a disease.

¹²
Now, I am a healer; I can raise the dead, and make the blind see; but when it comes to a hard-core sin addiction, there are no miracles, my son, only hard work.

¹³
And to begin that work, thou must remove thyself this day, to a gardened refuge not far from here: The Brighter Horizons Clean Living Facility of New Canaan.

¹⁴
It is thy choice; I cannot force thee; but knowest that if thou choosest not to go, it will have the following consequences: I will not die for thee, or anyone; and humanity will go unredeemed forever.

¹⁵
But it’s thy call.”

¹⁶
And the son took strength, and entered into the program; and committed himself to it, and reached inside himself to find the strength to confront that which he had undergone throughout his childhood.

¹⁷
(Suffice it to say, that his late mother could be
extremely
affectionate.)

¹⁸
And when it was over, he determined to visit his father, that he might humble himself before him and beg his forgiveness.

¹⁹
But when his father saw him approach he ran to him and embraced him; and told his servants to arrange a feast by preparing the fatted calf, along with a vegetarian option.

²⁰
Now, when the elder brother saw this he was aggrieved, and said, “Father, all these years I have served thee, never transgressing against thy commandments;

²¹
Yet as soon as my prodigal brother returned, only then didst thou kill the fatted calf; which thou knowest I have had my eye on for some time, being a bit of a veal buff.”

²²
And the father responded, “Son, thou art always with me, and everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate, for this my youngest son was dead and is alive again; was lost, and is found.”

²³
And the brother said, “Come to think of it, thou hast never killed a goat for me either; or a chicken.

²⁴
In fact, thou hast never slaughtered a single piece of livestock for me in thy entire life.

²⁵
Not ... once.”

²⁶
And the father said, “Why must thou ruin the moment?”

²⁷
And the prodigal son relapsed into debauchery before the end of that month; so he returned to New Canaan, but left three weeks early, declaring himself “ready”;

²⁸
Whereupon he stayed clean for two weeks, then relapsed again, big-time; and as of this writing he had checked in a third time; but lo, this is not uncommon.

²⁹
For recovery is not a destination, but a journey.

CHAPTER 14

THE SOWER

¹
Behold, there went a sower out to sow.