The Legend of Zippy Chippy (34 page)

•  Life is like a horse race – the bell rings, we're off and running, and before you can blink, you're at the finish line. Make the trip the way Zippy did – slow but sure, and looking around at what all the others miss. In short, take the long way home. The end of the journey comes way too soon.

•  As Zippy demonstrated time and time again, never bite the hand that feeds you. Bite him in the back. That way he can still fix your supper.

•  Chase your dreams relentlessly, unflinchingly, the way Zippy Chippy chased a thousand horses around and around a track, believing he would win one day.

•  Never give up. As Zippy might say,
Oh man, I got horses in front of me, horses behind me, and a horse on each side of me. Boy, am I going to tuck into the ol' feed bag when this day is done
.

•  See all the way down the track to the finish line. You struggle and stumble, you compete and get beat, and what? You're losing sleep? Pull … eese! You're alive and kicking, and if you weren't, you wouldn't be on your feet. There are a whole bunch of people your age who should be alive, but they aren't. You are. Appreciate the basics – lungs, legs, and brain still working – feet, don't fail me now! Get back in the race and finish it as best you possibly can. Go slow. Get it right. It takes as long as it takes. Seek serenity. If slow is sublime, then quiet is exquisite. Create your very own
little corner of tranquility and retreat there as often as you can.

•  Life is not a beach, it's a bitch, and sometimes “losin' real close” is plenty close enough.

•  Remember, when Zippy dwelt, Felix explained that he was just letting the other horses go ahead of him. Courtesy and respect are very much in demand these days. Also, opening the door for others leaves you with the option of locking the bastards inside.

•  Do not take failure to heart. Failure is not coming in second. Failure is refusing to show up for the next race to give yourself a chance to come in first.

•  Never, never – as ornery as they might be at an early age – have your children gelded. That's just wrong.

•  Be frugal with yourself, the way Zippy was with wins. Be generous to others; they probably need the rewards it brings more than you do.

•  Win if you can, fail if you have to, but have fun. Kids do not have a monopoly on play time.

•  Remember Casey Stengel's secret to good management: “In any group, you've got those who love you, those who hate you, and those who are undecided. The key to leadership is to keep the ones who hate you away from
those who are undecided.” That's why racehorses are separated by stables.

•  Straighten up and fly right. Zippy may have lost one hundred races, but he never once got lost out there or tried to take a shortcut. “Find yo purpose and hang on.”

•  Give yourself small rewards for little victories. Eventually you'll carry the day, the way Zippy earned his platinum retirement package, and
Pop!
goes the cork on that cold bottle of champagne. (Do not spray it. Sip it!)

•  Loyalty is the essence of love and life. During their careers, Felix could never part with Zippy, and in return, Zippy gave Felix more losses than he had given all of his previous trainers combined. It's the thought that counts.

•  Be the first to congratulate a rival for winning. Zippy would have done that, if he wasn't so damn far back all the time.

•  Be strong enough to face the world each day and smart enough to know there's always tomorrow. Be foolish enough to believe in miracles. Be wise enough to know miracles come with calluses and lower back pain.

•  If you think you are a loser, you are. But remember, Zippy Chippy lost one hundred races in a row to make
you, by comparison, look like a champion. Someday he will die for our misguided vanity.

•  You could do a lot worse than patterning your life after the fun-loving and tenacious Zippy Chippy. But if you notice a guy following you around with a shovel, you've gone too far.

•  Horses live in packs and talk to each other constantly. (There is no proof whatsoever that Zippy taught the others how to curse.) Surround yourself with good people, and you almost can't help but become one.

•  Look out the window. At nothing. Daydream. It's time well spent. I've had a great life, and I've carved out a pretty good career from making fun of my ex-brother-in-law, my pets, and my wee Irish mother. She became furious when she saw the working title of my book about her life:
All Humor Needs a Victim and Your Mother Should Come First
. So I changed the title to
Margaret and Me
, because at eighty-nine years of age, she could still get a lawyer! At least two of my report cards from my early days of public school had comments like, “If William spent half as much time studying as he does gazing out the window, he would be an A student.” Sorry, Mrs. Leach, but A students become accountants; daydreamers become lovers of life. My mother always smiled at me before she signed off on those report cards.

•  Pack little, read lots, walk everywhere you can. (Okay, that's my lesson in life.) Live lightly and remember the
words of the great comedian Red Skelton who said, “You might as well laugh, nobody's getting out of this one alive.”

•  Most important of all, be yourself. There is and forever will be only one Zippy Chippy. Like thumbprints and snowflakes, you are uniquely you. And we are all more like Zippy than we would care to admit.

Although Zippy Chippy could do one thing very well – lose – he rarely lost in the same way twice. On many days, his unique outings were more exciting to watch than the easy wins of other, more talented horses. But his consistency – the harmonious and principled application of continuous and non-successful effort – this was his gift and greatest strength. Skeptics may certainly doubt his skill, but never his will. Never a “die-er,” always a “tryer,” the Zipster was a trooper through and through.

If Zippy had quit at fifty losses, or even sixty-five, his record would have been described as awful and no one would remember his name to this day. But instead he pushed on, he raced every chance they gave him, he honed his skills at not winning, and therein lies the beauty of his record: upside-down excellence in the face of recurring defeat. Now the sole holder of the title of the World's Worst Racehorse, Zippy took his profession seriously.

The importance of such noble effort was once beautifully articulated by the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.:

Looking back on Zippy's career, we can safely say, here ran a horse that lost races like no thoroughbred ever could. A job well done, Big Ears. Martin Luther King Jr., the poet. Zippy Chippy, the poet in motion. Okay, then: slow motion.