The Life I Now Live (5 page)

Never in a million years did I think I’d have gang members after my husband. Or me. I swear it seemed like someone was still following me. I remember all the threats when Andy first offered to testify in court. One night we were lying in bed and Andy woke me up screaming, begging me to get in the car with him and hide. Confused, I followed him. We drove away and parked behind the grocery store, fearing shadows and passing cars, until daylight settled on the car.

I still had nightmares. I don’t know. I didn’t mind dying, but I had a baby now. And yes, I didn’t want anything to happen to her. Maybe it was all in my head. 

In my head or not, I wanted to call Patrick, but I refused. Really needed to wait and see if I missed him. Test out the waters and see if I loved him or if that was all in my head too.

I grabbed some produce from a local farmer’s market and some milk and eggs, then headed back home with Riley. She never made a peep. Such a sweetie. 

I took her inside the house, then came back to get the food. After I got everything put away I took Riley upstairs to give her a bath and noticed a pair of Patrick’s pants on my bed. I didn’t remember getting them out and panicked again.

So I texted Miranda.
Hey, can you come over? I have a strange feeling someone is stalking me.

Are you serious?
she messaged back.

Yeah. You busy?

Be there in fifteen.

I undressed Riley and sat her in the tub. A door closed downstairs. Quietly. But I still heard it. I picked Riley up, locked the bathroom door, put her back in the bath, and tried to calm my heart rate. Pretty sure my heart wanted to climb out of my chest and into my throat, but got stuck and decided to throb in my ears.

I hated being a single mother. Hated it. People thought I handled myself so well. And maybe I did, but not at night. Alone. In a dark house with creaky sounds. Patrick tried to convince me that I was imagining sounds. I don’t know. Maybe. 

Miranda called when she arrived and I met her at the door.

“Are you okay?” she said.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you move in with me until you figure out what you’re doing?”

She made herself at home on the couch and pulled a book out of her purse. “We’ll talk when you get Riley to sleep.”

“Moved on to turquoise hair now?”

“Yeah. Kind of matches the weather. Like icicles.”

I shook my head and brought Riley to her bedroom. We had a simple bedtime routine. A short book, she nursed, then I put her in her crib and she blinked herself to sleep. No pacifier needed. I am so glad I never had to let her cry-it-out because I don’t know if I could’ve done it.

I kissed her goodnight and went back downstairs. Miranda put her book down and turned toward me.

“What’s that look for?” I said.

“Come on,” she said. “You know you love him. Why can’t you admit it?”

“Do I love him? Or do I love the idea of him? The idea of having a man in my heart again?”

“You tell me.”

“Everything is too confusing. I had to choose between amputating my daughters leg and giving her less surgeries throughout her life, or lengthening it and having her suffer for years to keep her leg. That’s hard. And if that’s not enough, now I find myself torn between the memory of Andy that still lives in my heart and the hope of Patrick that wants to live in my heart. I can’t choose this time. Someone needs to decide for me.”

“You mean you want an airplane to write your answers in the sky?”

“Yes. That would work.”

We laughed.

“Did I tell you I’m considering moving to Boston?” she said, flipping her turquoise hair behind her shoulder.

“Do you ever stay still?”

“I can’t. Not who I am.”

“What about Ella’s brother? I thought you liked him?”

“Kinda. We talk a lot, but he’s so unbelievably boring. He’s so settled. I mean, the guy wear’s the same color every time I see him.”

“And that’s a bad thing? Maybe you need some stability.”

“Maybe. Doubt it though. I need adventure. Life is meant to be lived.”

“And you think people like Derek don’t live?”

“Precisely.”

I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.

Miranda left early Saturday morning. She worked ata tattoo studio owned by Dee, Ella’s friend. She didn’t do the tattoos though. Funny. Weird hair and crazy clothes, but anti-tattoos. She ran the desk and cleaned up. Couldn’t find a use for her psychology degree and she grew to hate the entire field anyway. So tattoo shop it was. Dee did all the tattoos along with her friend, Griffin. Actually was a nice place if you’re into that kinda thing. Reminded me of something out of a slightly romantic Tim Burton movie, if you can imagine such a place.

I worked a little while Riley napped. Had a client who wanted to redo her basement. Not the most thrilling job in the world, but I needed to pay the bills and felt bad that Patrick gave so much of his money to help me stay on my feet.

Something clicked downstairs. The front door creaked. Heart racing, I crept down the hallway and peered down the steps. A shadow moved. I put my hand on my chest and reached for my phone. The figure moved toward the bottom of the steps. I screamed so loud Riley immediately woke.

“It’s me,” Patrick said. “I couldn’t handle being apart.”

“Let me calm Riley down. Wait downstairs.” 

I nursed Riley and rocked her back to sleep, heart still beating a million miles a minute, but she woke back up so I took her downstairs. Patrick waited on the couch. Tired eyes and disheveled hair. Obviously sleep deprived. I set Riley on the floor with some blocks and stuffed animals, then sat next to Patrick. He breathed in as though it were painful to do so, then looked at me, waiting for me to say something, anything. I hid my eyes behind my hands and rubbed my face. The air between us, warmed with anticipation, yet cooled by my unwillingness, waited to be filled with words I couldn’t give.

Shaking, I tried to pull the rings off my finger. They barely moved. I twisted and tugged harder. Nothing. Pat looked away and shook his head. Maybe it was a sign? I went to the kitchen, poured dish soap on my finger and yanked on the rings.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Pat stood behind me. I wanted to take his arms and wrap them around my body.
Kiss me
, I pleaded inside.
Just do it. Do something. Make me feel like this will work out. Give me a little hope.

I turned and faced him. He bit his lip and looked at the ring I couldn’t get off. His eyes said, “It’s okay.” But his lips stayed far from mine. I watched them move, looking for words to say, but saying nothing. We stared at each other. Riley banged toys in the background. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I pressed my lips against his and held them there, waiting for him to kiss me back, for him to take over my heart and never let go.

He pulled away and put his finger over my lips. “This isn’t how you want it to go.”

“I’m sick of following my mind, Pat. I want to follow my heart for once.” I moved toward him. “Let me.”

“Emotions aren’t always from the heart.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry I came back. You need more time. It’s not right. When the ring comes off, call me. Until then, know that I’m waiting for you.”

“But I want you now.” A tear fell to the floor between us. “Don’t go.”

He shook his head, held back his own tears, and walked to the living room. Riley reached up for him and he squeezed her, kissed her cheek, and set her back down. I stood by the dining room table, heart on the floor next to my tear-soaked dreams. He rubbed his face, then looked at the ceiling. I didn’t understand.

“I will always love you,” he said. “Always. Take more time like you wanted. We’ll know when it’s right.”

I let him walk out the door. Confused, broken, I stood in the same place until Riley ached for me to hold her. I was so tired of being needed. I loved Riley. I loved her so much and I was happy to be her mother, but I wanted to need someone. And I did. I needed a husband, a best friend, a partner in all things life threw my way. I finally knew I needed him and he told me to keep thinking about it. I know I need you, I wanted to scream to him as he drove away. I yanked at the ring on my finger again, hoping it would slip off and I could run after Pat, begging him to come back, to come into my heart and never leave, but it wouldn’t budge.

I tried over and over, used the entire bottle of dish soap, and still . . . my past wanted to stay my present.

Ch. 8 | Patrick

I missed her. No getting around it. The girl stole my heart without me realizing it, but I respected her and wanted to give her space. So I did. Even though I almost blew it. Seeing her try to rip those rings off her finger killed me. She wanted to be with me. I could tell. Maybe even needed to. But I wanted more than that. I wanted it to be right, to be natural. Not forced. I needed to give her more time or she would end up regretting it in the future. But I also listened to Ella’s advice and decided to plan something romantic. 

Ella told me to make a scrapbook of our memories so far and our dreams for the future. Gavin offered to draw some pictures for it. So I decided to visit them in Lancaster and work on it with them.

I parked in front of their house and sighed. They were the kind of couple I needed to prepare myself to be around. They could either inspire you or make you feel horrible about yourself, depending on how you felt that day. They were almost too good together. In their physical appearance and personality. Most people who didn’t know them well thought they faked their love for each other. It’s that amazing. Too good to be true.

I walked up to the door and knocked. Gorgeous house. Used to be Gavin’s grandfathers house. Built before 1900 and incredible.

Ella answered the door with a smile, as always. “Ah, look who it is.”

“Yeah.” I hugged her. “Where’s the man of the house?”

“He’s outside tending to the winter veggies.”

“Winter veggies?”

“Yeah. We decided to use some of this land to plant our own vegetables and we found some things that grow even through the winter.” She led me to the kitchen. “Want some soup? Just made some baked potato soup, all local dairy products.”

I laughed. “Surprised you guys don’t have your own cows yet.” I looked around the kitchen. White cabinets. White table. White everywhere. “Love what you guys did with the kitchen, but don’t you plan to have kids?”

She smiled. “We do. Isn’t this so refreshing though?”

“It is. But it may not be once you have a toddler.”

She shrugged. “No word from Heidi?”

I shook my head. “You?”

“She hasn’t returned my texts in days.”

Gavin walked in the door and smiled. “Hey, man. How’s it been?”

I hugged him. “Been okay, I guess. With Christmas coming up I was thinking of giving this to Heidi as a gift on Christmas Eve.”

“Good idea.” He washed his hands and took his hat off.

Ella wrapped her arms around him. “I missed you.”

“You too, love,” he said.

“You missed each other when you were less than a football field apart?” I laughed. “Can’t believe you guys aren’t pregnant yet.”

“Actually,” Ella said.

“Are you serious?”

“We haven’t told anyone yet. We were going to think of a creative way to tell everyone,” Gavin said.

Ella kissed his cheek. “We think it’s a honeymoon baby.”

“When’s the due date?” I asked. 

“Early August,” she said. “There’s a natural birthing place thirty minutes from here that we will be going to. I’m so excited. We find out if it’s a boy or girl in March.”

“Any names?”

“We aren’t sure yet. We like Gwendolyn and Adelaine for a girl, and Emerson and Dylan for a boy.”