The Light in the Wound (13 page)

My mother was now out of rehab and dating a doctor that she met while confined in the hospital. His name was Lance and he was an older gentleman with grown kids. He was kind to her and available at her beck and call. He came over to visit every evening and before we knew it, he had moved into our house. He cooked for her, took her dancing, worked hard and was smitten by her. But he was quiet and shy and her personality always overpowered his. She seemed happy, so who were we to question it? She insisted on marrying him, complete with a wedding dress and all. Evie, Alicia and I would share many laughs over this.

“She’s crazy. It looks so stupid! Why is she making a fool of herself?”

And yet, there we were. Watching her walk down the aisle to meet him in front of his best man and a priest.

Jesse’s university connections helped me to circumvent the twelve-credit hour requirement for enrollment in any sport. I didn’t have to choose any sport. The head of the Sports Committee had marked my course curriculum as
completed
. I was like royalty, actually. Everywhere I went on campus, people knew I was dating Jesse. By this time I was used to girls coming up to me just to gush about how wonderful he was. I was gracious about their compliments and would tease Jesse about it whenever we were alone together. The passion we had for each other kept me secure in knowing that it was just me for him. At parties I would feel so separated from him, despite the fact that he was holding my hand. His conversations with others would refer to events that I wasn’t there to witness. They would laugh about it — crack up about it — and I would smile until my mouth would cramp up. But right when I would start to feel insecure or doubtful, he would pull me aside and show me how much he loved me. It didn’t matter where we were. There were stolen trysts in the bathroom. At the University’s Student Center late at night. In the stalls of the gym locker room. I lived for those moments, minutes, seconds … I needed to touch his skin to make me feel alive.

Jesse’s friend, Ryan would silently watch me at these parties and come to my rescue whenever he saw my eyes glazing over. He would crack jokes, make useless conversation, or help me find Jesse whenever I would lose him to a group of people. We became close friends and soon enough, he completed my trio circle with Betty rounding up the other end.

My Econ classes kicked in during my sophomore year and I looked forward to these classes and the group of people that were in the class with me. James was one of them. James was of Spanish descent, tall and muscular with light curly hair and a prominent nose. He was actually a singer who performed in many plays throughout the city. He distracted me during the boring points of a class lecture by humming the instructor’s words back to me in his low baritone voice. We also did a lot of homework and group assignments together. James was funny, gregarious and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We spent many hours doing homework together, having lunch, and working on projects.

One weekend, Jesse took me with him to see a play entitled
The Fantasticks
. James was playing the lead role of Matt. Jesse knew someone in the cast who took us to a backstage party after the performance. There was a lot of carousing and drinking among the cast, crew and those of us who were invited to attend. The girl who played Luisa was all over Jesse at one point.

“Jesse! Hey! So nice that you could make it! What’d you think? How’d I do?” She gave him a tight hug and kept her right hand on his shoulder.

“Oh hey, Monica, you did great! This is my girlfriend, Isabel. Isabel, this is Monica. She’s in some of my Engineering classes.”

“Hi, it’s very nice to meet you.” My standard line every time I was out with Jesse.

“Isa!” I turned around to see James.

“James! Oh my gosh, you were great out there! I had no idea you could dance like that. Now I’ll never look at you the same way.” I was so happy to see him. James wasn’t too smart but he tried very hard, and right then, he was in his element. It was great to see him in another light, outside of school and doing what he loved to do.

“James, this is my boyfriend, Jesse.” They shook hands, only this time Jesse wasn’t smiling.
Oh no.

“Jesse, man, nice to finally meet you. This girlfriend of yours here, so darn smart, she’s helped me pass two classes in the past year. Not to mention too darn beautiful. You’re a lucky guy.”

Super oh no
.

Jesse nodded his head, squeezed my hand and then we were out of there.

On the way back to my house after the party, Jesse was quiet. Too quiet. He looked like he was in deep thought. No,
seething
. I grabbed his hand and placed it on my thigh.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

“Just tired,” he answered without looking at me.

I nodded my head and looked out the window. I noticed that Jesse had turned into an unknown corner and shut off the engine. I could barely hear him as he whispered, “How do you know James, Iss?”

“Seriously? James is my classmate. We have three classes together. What is this about again?”

“I saw the way he looked at you. It’s like he was waiting to see you all night. The guy has a crush on you. Isa, my ass. Why is he calling you Isa?” His eyes were tight; his tone was deep.

“Me? What about you, Jesse? Everywhere we go, every time we’re together, there is always some girl gushing over you, talking about your meetings, your classes, your interactions without me.”

“That’s different, Iss. I’m doing this all for you. I’m trying to do well so that I can give you what you need. I want to be successful for you.”

I reached for his face and pulled him to me. “No one has a crush on anyone, Jess. Except me. I have a crush on you.” I pecked him with light kisses all over his face. His lips were shut. He wasn’t giving in to me at first. I kissed him slowly, opened up his lips with my tongue until I heard a slight groan coming from his mouth. “Please, Jess. I want you, here, now. I love you. Only you.”

He didn’t make a move. He wanted me to do all the work.
Okay,
I thought. I’ll show him.

I leaned over to his seat and kissed his chest, unbuttoned his shirt and kissed his nipple. I trailed my kisses all the way down to his stomach, pulled down his jeans and took him into my mouth. Jesse gasped as he grabbed my hair and pushed my head down further, lifting himself up so that my mouth covered him entirely. I took my time, sucking, licking … holding him with my hand.

I stopped just in time to remove my underwear and straddled him. His jeans were wrapped around his ankles and the car seat was reclined all the way.

“Do you like how this feels, Iss? Tell me how you like having me inside you,” he said, as he arched up again, thrusting hard. It almost felt as if he wanted to hurt me.

“I love this. I love you. You feel so good.”

“Issy, tell me again. Tell me you love me. That no matter what, it will be you and me forever.”

I leaned down toward his face, my hands across his chest, and whispered in his ear, “It’s just us, Jess. Just us. I’m coming, Jess. Come with me.” And as we both fell into release, I leaned back and trailed my nails down his chest, leaving red marks to remind him of what I said and how much I meant it.

The following week, James walked into class thirty minutes late. He was wearing sunglasses and purposely took the open seat far away from me without a word or a glance in my direction. He dropped the class shortly after that, and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the year.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

While loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

—Lao Tzu.

They say that your junior year in college is the year that defines your future. You are thick into your major classes, you should be decided on what your degree will be and you are halfway to your goal of completing your education and starting your career. Jesse was as busy as ever, having won the MVP Award for his baseball team and voted Most Popular by the University student body. He was also voted Student Council President, which was the highest honor that could be bestowed upon someone looking to go places. I knew that it would open up a host of opportunities for him in the future. But to me, he was just Jesse. He continued to call me every night and made every effort to see me after class or on weekends. Sometimes he would ask me to stay late after school, so we could spend an hour or two together before he attended his meetings. By this time, I had noticed more changes in the way that I saw myself. I had become shy and withdrawn, insecure and jealous. Evie said it was because I wasn’t allowed to do anything or wear anything remotely reminiscent of the person I was before Jesse. I still couldn’t wear any makeup, and I wore pants to school every day. No nail polish had been added to one of his rules later on during my freshman year. My sisters were adamantly against my allowing Jesse to dictate what I wore, and they encouraged me to sneak things behind his back, hoping it would help me to keep a tiny semblance of the girl that I was before I fell in love with him. The university was like its own world, but it’s not as big as you think it is when your boyfriend is the ruler of that universe. I ate lunch alone, studied in the library by myself, sat on the outside benches by myself. No one spoke to me or approached me or asked me to lunch or to join their study group. It was almost as if Jesse had warned them all off. I had been alone most of my life, so it should have been nothing new to me. But somehow, this felt different. I wasn’t as accepting of this situation as I had been when I was growing up.

Evie and Betty were constantly going against this tide, inviting me out to other parties where Jesse wasn’t a known entity. I would promise to go with them and then back out at the last minute, whenever Jesse had free time and would give me a few minutes’ notice about meeting him or picking me up at the house. They would whine in frustration every time but never gave up on me. Jesse and I were also becoming bolder with our families by sneaking off on weekend trips to the Beach Club cottage owned by my mother or to friends’ vacation homes offered to us by Jesse’s connections at school. These times alone together were precious. With me, he was loving and attentive, fragile and vulnerable. But as soon as we arrived home and were back on campus, Jesse was a completely different person. He never gave me any reason for mistrust, so whatever I felt had to take a backseat to the relationship that we had.