The List (15 page)

I couldn't imagine being in her position. If, by chance, I was blessed to meet someone wonderful, I'd have her dilemma. I couldn't imagine trying to stay celibate in a relationship where I was in love with someone. It was hard enough when I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin. What would it be like now that I was a grown thirty-five-year-old woman who was all too familiar with the pleasures of sex? With hormones raging twice a month.

As much as I wanted a man in my life and as tired as I was of fighting the lonely monster and the horny monster, I wasn't sure I could handle any more bad dates. And I wasn't sure I could handle fighting to stay celibate if I did fall in love.

I looked around at my girls. I wasn't gonna tell them, but I was ready to get on the bench in this game. I'd continue to have brief guy encounters just to have something to say on girls' night, but that was about it.

I
looked at the clock on my office wall. It was 7:00, Friday night. Angela was in Augusta with Gary, and Lisa had a date with some eHarmony guy. Vanessa was spending family night with the kids, and Nicole was exhausted from a rough week at work. So, I was alone. Friendless. Manless. Dateless.

It was a perfect opportunity to get some work done, so I planned to hole up in my office until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Nicole promised to hang out with me tomorrow after I finished running around and doing errands, and then there were Sunday's activities. So Friday night was the only gaping hole in my weekend I needed to fill.

Jason stuck his head in the door. “I'm about to cut out. Want me to walk you to your car?”

“I'm fine, Jason. I want to get a lot more done before I get out of here. When I'm ready to go, I'll get Hank to walk me.” That would give our security guard the highlight of his day. I remembered his gold-toothed smile lighting up the night when I asked him to escort me to my car.

“What are you working on? Need some help?”

Honestly, I did, but didn't think it would be a good idea to be sitting up in my office with Jason late on a Friday night. “Nah. I got it. Just need some quiet time to get my thoughts together. It's hard when everybody's here, popping their heads in my office with questions all day. I get my real work done when everybody's gone.” I hoped he would take the hint without being offended.

He didn't. In what was becoming his habit, he plopped himself down in the chair in my office. “Come on, two heads are better than one. Whatever it is, the two of us can knock it out together in half the time it would take you by yourself. Let me help.”

What was up with that? Jason was practically begging. “Don't you have to get home to the girls?”

He shook his head, a pained look spread across his face. “Their mom has them this weekend. The whole weekend. She got them from school this afternoon, and I won't get them back until Sunday night.”

So that was it. Jason was avoiding being home alone without his girls like I was avoiding being home alone without a man. It seemed cruel to send him away after that. “Okay. If I'm not keeping you from anything . . .”

He shook his head.

“Why don't we take my computer and these files down to the conference room, so we can spread out?”

His eyes brightened like he was glad to be needed somewhere. “Cool. Want me to order in some food?”

My stomach grumbled almost as if on cue. “Yeah, food would be good right now. What do you want?”

He grinned. “I'll surprise you.” He disappeared down the hall.

My stomach did a little flip-flop, this time not from hunger.
Michelle, what have you done? Bad idea. Bad idea . . .

I gathered the files and unplugged the cords from my laptop.

By the time I had everything all together, Jason was back. “Food will be here in about thirty minutes. Is that cool?”

Before I could answer, my stomach let out a loud grumble again. We both laughed.

He said, “Want me to get you a snack from the machine? Doesn't sound like you're gonna make it.”

“I'm fine, Jason. I always keep food around.” I grabbed a box of raisins and some chips from my desk drawer and followed him down the hall to the conference room. The office was completely empty. Guess everyone else had plans for their Friday night.

I wondered why Jason was desperate and lonely. If what Erika said about men finding a replacement woman real quick was true, he should be out on a date right now. Maybe he was taking time to focus on himself and on his girls. Maybe his recent lingering appearances in my office had nothing to do with being interested in me at all.

“Why are you working late anyway? I'm surprised you're not out on a Friday night with that special someone,” Jason said.

Oh dear. So much for that theory.

“I'm focused on my shows right now. God gave me this shot, and I've got to make the best of it. I'm trying to get to senior producer in the next two years.”

“You'll get it. There's no one more qualified, and plus, you've got the favor of God on your life. If you don't get it, it's only because He's got something much greater for you.”

“Thanks, Jason. I appreciate that.” I smiled at him.

He smiled back.

God, help me.
“So anyway, this is where I am right now.” I powered on my computer, spread out some papers on the table, and we went to work.

After about twenty minutes, the security guard buzzed in to let us know our food had arrived. When the delivery guy walked in with two bags, the rich, pungent fragrance of exotic spices filled the air.

Jason paid the guy, and he left.

I looked in the bags and confirmed what my nose had guessed. “Ethiopian? That's one of my favorites. How did you know?”

“I remembered you bringing in leftovers after you went out one night. You ate it like it was the best thing you ever tasted and kept saying how much you loved it. I figured it'd be a nice surprise.”

“How thoughtful. Thanks, Jason.”
I'm in way over my head here, God.

We ate and worked for a couple of hours.

As always, I couldn't help but realize how smart Jason was. His mind was quick, and he had a different way of approaching things. Creative. Out the box. Like me. Every time I got stumped, he'd come up with an answer. If I couldn't figure out something, he would sit and talk to himself for a minute until he came up with a great idea.

“Jason, you're good at this. Have you ever thought of trying your hand at producing or directing?”

He nodded. “I did before I came here. Me and some friends shot a few short films and some documentaries. But when things fell apart with my marriage, I had to get a stable, salaried job. My girls go before my dreams.”

“Wow. I didn't know. You're such a help to me around here, I guess I should have known. You're definitely more than an editor.”

His cell phone rang. His face lit up when he recognized the number. “Hey, baby.”

I stood up to leave to give him some privacy, trying to ignore the sinking in the pit of my stomach. Did Jason have a girlfriend?

He motioned for me to stay. “What's wrong, sweetie?” His face clouded over. “I know, honey, but Daddy—”

It was one of his girls. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

“I know, sweetie, but Daddy can't—” He rubbed his forehead. “Where's your sister?” His face looked more pained. “Put your mother on the phone.” Jason stood up and held up a finger as he walked out the door.

I could hear him say a few more gentle words to his daughter, then his voice changed. His tone sounded diplomatic at first, but then became a little strained. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but knew he was getting upset.

He paced back and forth up and down the hall while still talking.

I finally heard him say, “I won't talk to you about this anymore. I'm hanging up the phone now. I'll be there to get my girls in the morning.” He continued to pace up and down the hall for a while, mumbling to himself.

He stopped for a minute, and his tone changed. I heard him still talking to himself, but I could hear him quoting scriptures. His pace slowed. I could hear bits and pieces of the Word coming from his mouth.

He finally came back to the conference room. “Sorry about that. The girls are . . . Latrice is . . .” He shrugged his shoulders and tried to grin. “Baby mama drama. What can I say?”

“Do you need to go?”

He shook his head. “Not at all. Working helps. And I don't need to be by myself right now.” He looked at me with those eyes, asking me to rescue him from whatever pain Latrice had just caused.

“Want to talk about it?”
Bad idea, Michelle, bad idea.

He shook his head. “Nah, you don't need to hear my drama. Let's get back to work.”

We tried to work for a while, but mentally, he was gone. I could tell he was worried about whatever his daughter had called him for and mad about whatever Latrice had said. My brain was tired too.

“We should call it quits. We're just going in circles now.” I saved the files on my laptop. “Thanks for all your help. If I do make senior producer, I'll owe it to you. We got a lot done.”

“You'll get it. You're one of those people who gets everything they go for. I bet your life is exactly what you planned it would be when you were a little girl.”

If he only knew. “Not exactly, but I have to admit my life is pretty great.” Except that I don't have my Ken look-alike and two daughters and castle on the hill with my ponies in the stable . . .

He shook his head. “I wish I could say that right now. I mean, God is good and faithful, and I'm grateful for all He's done for me, but . . .” Jason shrugged. “I never planned to be a thirty-two-year-old, divorced, single father of two kids working a job that's less than my potential and having baby mama drama.”

I wanted to reach over and take his hand, but knew better. I shut down the computer.

“Divorced, single father of two trying to fight my way out of debt. That's what I get for marrying a spoiled rich girl and trying to make all her materialistic dreams come true.”

Jason stared off into space. “You know when you're young and you have plans for yourself and you imagine just what your life will look like by a certain age? This is not what I planned. At all.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Come on, your life is perfect. What more could you want?”

“I thought I'd be married with children by now.”
Oh my God, did I say that out loud?

“Really? I thought you were one of those success-oriented women who focuses on their career first and family later.”

Ouch. Do I really come off like that?
“Why is it that if a black woman is successful, people automatically assume she's not interested in having a family?”

“Whoa, I didn't mean that as an insult. I'm just saying—it seems like you're committed to your career path. That's admirable.”

There was no way I was going to tell him that I focused on my career to avoid the pain of not having a family. “I am committed to my career, but that doesn't mean I don't want a husband and kids.” I started gathering my papers to put back into the file folders.

“I guess it's kinda hard to balance the two.”

“I guess it's easier for guys. A woman has to be concerned about her career
and
her children. Unless, of course, you're Latrice, who decides to quit her job to stay home with the kids, but she ends up going shopping all the time and spending everything I make and completely neglecting the girls.”

I could tell Jason still had a lot of hurt and bitterness about his marriage ending. I remembered feeling like that. Every thought path somehow led back to my ex-husband and how he did me wrong. It took me a long time to release and forgive. I wondered if Jason had started his path to healing yet.

“Sorry about that. I'm working on not letting what happened get to me like that. It's over and done, and there's no sense in harping on it. I just need to get on with my life and forget everything she did.”

I nodded. “Exactly. That's what I had to do with my ex.”

“You're divorced?” Jason looked like he was shocked.

“Yeah. You didn't know?”

He shrugged. “It's not like you share any details of your personal life. You're always the consummate professional. Wow. How long have you been divorced? If you don't mind me asking, that is.”

“I don't mind. I've been divorced for almost three years. I was married for eleven.”

He let out a low whistle. “Whew. Eleven years? That's a long time. You never had kids?”

I shook my head. “No kids.”

That was the question people asked when they heard how long I had been married. I knew he wanted to know why, but was afraid he'd offend me by asking.

“I got married when I was young—twenty-one. At first, we decided we were going to wait for five years before having children. I wanted to finish grad school, and he was . . . I guess trying to figure out what he wanted to do. After the five years passed, I started to question whether he was really someone I wanted to have kids with.”

Jason winced. “That bad?”

“Yeah. Like I said, we were young. By the time I grew up enough to realize what it took to be a good husband and father, I realized he didn't have it. So, I kept stalling. He really wanted a baby, but I kept coming up with reasons why we shouldn't. I kept taking the pill. By about year eight, I knew we weren't going to make it.”

“And you stayed for three more years?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I guess it was the Christianity thing. I thought I wouldn't be saved if I got a divorce. I didn't want to disappoint God. So I stayed and prayed and fasted and hoped and waited. And it never got better. Then he cheated on me and gave me the out I needed.”

What was it about Jason's eyes that made me spill my painful life story? I couldn't believe I was telling him all this deep, personal stuff. I realized we were turning a corner and arriving at a place we wouldn't be able to come back from.

He reached over and rubbed my back.