The Lost Art of Listening (15 page)

Another example of listeners failing to restrain themselves is responding

with excessive sympathy, a gift that usually means more to the giver than

the receiver. Exaggerated concern may seem less selfish than turning the

conversation around to yourself, but acting distressed isn’t the same thing

as listening. Listening means taking in, not taking over.

Real listening requires attunement— reading and acknowledging the

speaker’s experience—not the kind of effusive sentiment that may fool

small children but comes across to adults as patronizing and false. Expres-

sions of concern from a person who always makes a fuss over what you say

become as meaningless as Muzak.

Once again, the problem is failing to suspend the self. Instead of

holding himself back long enough to listen and to hear what you’re say-

ing, the excessive responder jumps in with an expression of sympathetic

concern—as if to say, “Oh,
I
understand . . . (don’t bother going on).”

1But my father is
more
annoying.

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THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

When listening is genuine, the emphasis is on the speaker,

not the listener.

When something goes wrong, Christine no longer calls her mother

for sympathy. She’s learned that if she has the flu or one of the kids breaks

a finger, not telling her mother is the only way to avoid an exaggerated

show of concern. These things may not be very consequential, but she

would like to share them. She doesn’t, because when her mother says “Oh,

that’s awful!” and makes too big a deal out of everything, she feels not

understood, but that her mother is worried—as though
she’s
the one with

the problem.

An empathic response is restrained, largely silent; following,

not leading, it encourages the speaker to go deeper into his

or her experience.

Part of the problem is confusing empathy with sympathy. Sympathy

is more limited and limiting; it means to feel the same as rather than to be

understanding. Nor does empathy mean, as many people seem to think,

worrying about, praising, cheering up, gushing, consoling, or even encour-

aging. It means understanding.

“Well, If I Were You . . . ” (Translation: “Stop bothering me

with your complaining and do something about it.”)

According to some experts, men show interest by giving advice while

women show interest by sharing similar experiences.2 Unasked-for advice

is annoying. It feels like being told what to do, being told that our feel-

ings aren’t valid because we wouldn’t have to have them if we’d only do

what the oh-so- helpful person we’re talking to suggests. (Responding with

a similar story, as just discussed, can be equally unwelcome, especially if

the person interrupts your story before you’re finished or otherwise goes

on without acknowledging what you’ve said.) When I’m telling someone

2Deborah Tannen,
You Just Don’t Understand
(New York: William Morrow, 1990).

The Heart of Listening
85

about an experience or a problem and he or she responds with unwelcome

advice, I say, “Thanks, but I don’t need any advice; I just need to be listened

to.” (At least that’s what I’d like to say.) Do men give more unasked-for

advice than women do? Maybe. Not in my experience. Perhaps in yours.

A few years ago I did something uncharacteristic for me and joined a

men’s group. I guess I was looking for friends. It turned out to be a wonder-

ful experience, largely because the other men in the group were all unusu-

ally interesting and thoughtful people. One day we were talking about how

we respond when a friend tells us about a problem, and I was surprised to

hear most of the others say that they usually try to offer advice. I thought

friends didn’t do that, but just listened and tried to be understanding. I

guess advice- giving was trained out of me.

Of course, sometimes people
want
advice. Some individuals want

advice all the time. They think other people should have an answer for

their distress and should try to alleviate it. This emotional need stirs our

expectations that advice is wanted. Even if it doesn’t work (or get fol-

lowed), giving advice may suggest that the listener takes the speaker’s

problems seriously.

The real issue in listening isn’t whether we do or don’t give advice but

whether or not our response is focused on reading and responding to the

other person’s feelings or is simply a way of dealing with our own. Telling

the person with a problem to “do something constructive” reflects a lis-

tener’s inability to tolerate his or her own anxiety. So too may be pushing

others to “Express your feelings” or using imperatives such as “You have to

confront him about it.” The difference between listening well and not is

the difference between being receptive and responsive on the one hand

and being reactive or introducing one’s own agenda on the other. Failure

to suspend the self in favor of the other reflects a lack of autonomy and a

blurring of boundaries.

“Have You Heard the One about . . . ?” (Translation: “Never

mind what you were saying; your concerns are boring.”)

Another familiar failure to restrain the self is the jokester, who’s always

quipping, allaying his own anxiety and calling attention to himself instead

of tuning in to the speaker. There are times when your fast- quipping friend

is funny and you don’t mind his joking. But there are other times when

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THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

you’re trying to talk and his wisecracking is annoying. What the jokester

offers is the thin, unreliable rhetoric of distraction in place of authen-

tic emotional engagement. This feeling of being distracted happens a lot

when you’re already having a conversation with someone and the jokester

joins in. Only he doesn’t join in. He doesn’t tune in to you and what you’re

saying; he just uses something you say as a trigger to make a joke.

People who joke all the time are more or less annoying, depending on

how funny they are. We can understand their constant joking by realizing

that they have a lot of nervous energy and may have learned to make jokes

as a defense against boredom. But, like other failures to restrain the self,

someone who always interrupts our conversation with gags can be annoy-

ing.

“Don’t Mention It.” (Translation: “I’m embarrassed about

wanting to be appreciated.”)

Do you remember the last time someone did you a really big favor and

you were so grateful that you wanted to express your thanks in a special

way? Maybe you sent flowers or gave a nice bottle of wine to show your

appreciation. Or maybe you put your gratitude into words. Did the person

accept your thanks or say something like “Oh, it was nothing, don’t men-

tion it”? You can understand someone’s feeling embarrassed about being

thanked profusely, but it leaves you feeling slightly dismissed (as if being

told that your thanks weren’t necessary meant that your feelings of grati-

tude weren’t warranted). Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to look someone in

the eye and say “Thank you,” and have him meet your eyes and say “You’re

welcome”?

“Don’t Feel That Way.” (Translation: “Don’t upset me

with your upset.”)

You get a similar but perhaps stronger feeling of being dismissed when you

tell someone about being angry or scared about something and she reas-

sures you that there’s no need to feel that way.

A lot of failed listening takes the form of telling people not to feel the

way they do. It’s frustrating when someone tells us we shouldn’t worry or

feel guilty or be so scared. The intention may be generous, but the effect

The Heart of Listening
87

is to cheat us out of having our feelings acknowledged. Most attempts to

talk people out of their troubles are correctly understood as dismissive—

namely, “Don’t upset me with your upset.”

When someone is worried or upset enough to talk about it, acknowl-

edging those feelings is the best response. Reassuring the person that

there’s nothing to worry about is not responsive to him; it’s responsive to

the listener’s own uneasiness.

If someone tells you that she’s worried about the future, and you can

control it, then by all means do so. Otherwise, hear her out. Even if you

know
(or think you do) that things will turn out okay (in the future), saying

so (predicting the future) doesn’t erase the worry (in the present). Reas-

suring someone instead of hearing him out may ease his mind slightly, but

the disconcerting effect of not being taken seriously is usually the stronger

reaction. Telling someone not to worry doesn’t make her stop worrying,

but it may make her stop trying to talk about her feelings to you.

The best way to keep this section simple would be to say that telling

people not to feel the way they do is not listening to them and leave it at

that. However, there are times when it feels okay to be reassured. You’re

not too happy with your new haircut, and a friend says, “No, it looks good,”

or you’re feeling bad about not having accomplished much, and someone

reminds you of all that you have accomplished and you feel better. The

line between wanting to be reassured and wanting to be heard may not

always be easy to discern. The more a speaker expresses self-doubt or worry

or concern in a questioning or tentative way, the more likely he is to want

reassurance. The stronger the feelings, the more likely he is to appreciate

being heard and acknowledged. When in doubt, listen.

“Haven’t We Talked about This Before?”

(Translation: “Why are you still hung up about this?”)

It can be hard to hear the same complaints or concerns. My advice is to

blame the person talking to you for your impatience. Try not to think

about the possibility that the other person keeps talking about something

because you haven’t ever fully acknowledged his feelings. And certainly

don’t consider that the annoyance you feel is related to your sense that

somehow talking to you hasn’t made the person feel any better. When in

doubt, always blame other people for your feelings.

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THE REAL REASONS PEOPLE DON’T LISTEN

“Guess What?” (Translation: “Never mind what’s on your

mind; whatever pops into my head is bound to be more

interesting.”)

Jack was talking to Gail about some problems at work when Woody

came over and said “Guess what?” Then he proceeded to tell them about

something unrelated to what they were talking about. Had they finished?

Were they interested in what he had to say? Who knows? Certainly not

Woody.

If Woody’s interrupting two people’s conversation to talk about what

was on his mind seems like such an obviously insensitive thing to do, how

different is it when someone is talking to us and we change the subject

without making sure the person had finished saying what he or she wanted

to say?

Going Through the Motions

A good listener is someone you look forward to being around. The good

listener not only pays attention to what you say but also encourages you to

expand on your ideas and feelings.

However it’s phrased, a good listener’s response makes you

feel understood and invites you to say more.

Since we always want to be seen as good listeners, we sometimes just

go through the motions. We nod and say uh-huh when we’re not really

interested or we wait until the other person finishes even though we’re not

really listening to what she’s saying. We all pretend to be listening occa-

sionally, but some people make a habit of it.

Insincere listeners come in a variety of forms. Perhaps you’ll recognize

some of the following:

The Faker

These people feign attention. They fix their eyes intently on you when

you’re speaking. The intensity of their gaze reflects their concentrating on

The Heart of Listening
89

giving the impression that they’re listening, rather than really listening. If

you’ve never met one of these fake listeners (congratulations!), try meet-

ing a politician or appearing on TV.

The Self- Conscious Listener

Self- conscious listeners want to be seen as listening but are more con-

cerned with the appearance than the listening. They’re looking at you but

thinking
Am I doing okay? Do I look all right? Does the speaker think I’m intel-

ligent?
Preoccupation with themselves gets in the way of the self- conscious

listener’s concentration on what you’re saying.

The Amateur Therapist

Amateur therapists may be eager to play the role of listener, but they’re

more interested in the role than the listening. These people mistake the

supporting role of listener for the leading part.

Young therapists often paraphrase everything they hear clients saying.