The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (105 page)

     A great many men and women have very much suspicion in them of everything of every one. A great many men a great many women have steadily suspicion in them of everything of every one. A great many have this in them from the beginning of living in them. A great many very many of the resisting, dependent independent very earthy men and women have complete suspicion, little steady suspicion of everything of every one always in them. They do not have it from experiencing in them they have it in them as a natural thing, they have it in them like a child walking and certain that every step they are going to be tumbling. This is very common, very many men very many women very many having resisting being in them have it in them to be suspicious always of every one of everything. This is in them very often when they are quite kindly quite trusting, very many then having resisting being have it to have very naturally in them always in them always steadily in them from their beginning that they are suspicious of every one of everything, always suspicious always steadily suspicious inside them, this one then that I am describing has suspicion always in him, there will be now a description of several of this kind in men and women. I am now going on with my description of one, who was naturally a completely suspicious one.
     Many having resisting being have it in them all their living when they are beginning and then on to their ending have it to have suspicion always naturally in them and this is a natural thing for them to have in them because they having resisting being have it in them to be knowing that always some one is doing attacking. Resisting being in them is in meaning that always some one some where is attacking, resisting being is in them in some of them, in very many men in very many women as having in them completely naturally always very much suspicion. Very many men and women have in them completely all their living very complete suspicious feeling very many men and women with resisting being. Very many men and women with attacking being have suspicion in them completely in them, sometime I will be telling very much of them. Very many men and women have hardly any kind of suspicious feeling ever in them. There are very many ways of having suspicious feeling many kinds of ways many degrees of such feeling, now I am giving a not very long description of one having in him very complete suspicious feeling, very much suspicious feeling about men, very much very complete suspicious feeling about women and this one was quite a successful one in living and this one had very much inquisitive feeling in him and this one was pretty completely resisting in his being pretty completely engulfing in his being and always very many felt it about him that every bit of asking in him and every bit of suspicion in him was really deep wisdom in him and always then he had completely resisting being in him completely engulfing being in him, complete suspicion in him, complete inquisitiveness inside him, and always then he had enthusiasm and very much feeling about something and always he was asking about everything and always he was having suspicious feeling in him and altogether he was sufficiently a wise one, and very often he was just asking because he saw something and very often he was just suspecting because he had resisting being in him. This is one then that is to me a completely interesting one. Every one is to me a completely interesting one, this one is to me very completely an interesting one. I like feeling the being in this one, sometime yes certainly sometime I will be telling all the feeling I have in the complete being in this one. As I am saying suspicious feeling is very interesting, very very interesting. Sometime later I will tell very much about one kind of them of the resisting kind of them that have it in them to have suspicious feeling as a completely interesting thing in them. I hope I will not be beginning now to tell about this kind of them. Perhaps I will tell a little about such of them in among this considerable number of men and women of the resisting kind of them I am just now describing. I really do not want to begin now about them. I will not begin now about them that is certain. I will completely understand them later and will be telling then about them. I certainly will not write anything now about them. That is now certain. I have been writing now about a considerable number of the considerable number I am now describing of the resisting kind of them. I will now begin a pretty short description of another one of them. That is to be a little description of one having rich resisting being and being a little too quick perhaps quite a little too quick in ripening. This one had in him quite, some inquisitiveness in him, not any suspicion in him. This is to be now quite a short description of him.
     This one then as I am saying was of the resisting kind of them, that is to say resisting was the way of winning in him, that is to say this one was in a way slow in reacting, that is to say this one in a way was needing to own those this one needed for loving, this was all true and this was all not true of this one and this one was completely of resisting being, this one was all made completely all of only resisting being. This one then really was very early a completely highly developed one, this one was very flowing in the completely creating power this one had inside him, this one was a quite inquisitive one, this one had hardly any suspiciousness in natural ordinary daily living in him, this one was really not owning the one this one needed for his loving. This one as I was saying was of the resisting kind of them, not of the engulfing kind of them, of completely sensitively resisting being and the resisting being and sensitive being was pretty nearly equal in this one, it was pretty nearly as sensitive as resisting but not quite completely so in this one it was a little more sensitive than resisting and so this one was quick in developing, early in flowering and this one was always trying to be a slower one and this one really never was in living a really slow one. This one was as I was saying not a suspicious one, resisting being was not strongly enough in him as protecting to give to him a suspicious feeling toward everything and every one. This one was not really owning the one this one needed for his loving. This one could only own one this one needed for loving by getting rid of the one this one needed for loving and then this one would not be having the one this one needed for loving and then where was this one, he was where he needed the one he needed for loving and taking her back again made him then lose the power of owning this one, the only way he could own this one was by getting rid of this one or by secretly letting some other one love him, in this way then this one to himself inside him could own the one he needed for loving. He really could own the one he needed for loving by sending her away from him, he then did not have near him the one he needed for loving, to himself inside him then he could own that one by letting, by making some other one love him and mostly then he dreamed of this thing, he did this thing. This is now a clear complete description of one having resisting being.
     This is now to be a description of another one having resisting being, not engulfing resisting being, just resisting being, this one was a very nice one, a very pleasant gentle, sensitive, fairly resisting, sometimes angrily resisting one, this one had some suspicion in her in living, this one could have very often an injured feeling, this one had quite a good deal of inquisitive feeling in her, this one needed to own to a considerable degree those this one needed for loving, this one had children and children were to this one a piece of her cut off from her that were as it were equal to her and she was as they were, the same in living, thinking, feeling and being. This one as I was saying was a gentle, often injured, fairly angrily resisting one, quite inquisitive, with enough suspicious feeling to be defending other ones when it was not at all her business to be interfering and so this one a very nice a completely in a way honest one could do something that was not a pretty thing for this one to be doing. This is what this one did once in her living.
     This one that I have been describing had not real suspicious feeling, this one was of the resisting kind of them but this one had very much more sensitiveness than resisting being and resisting being was in this one not a kind of thing to make of this one really a suspicious one. This being in this one resisting being in this one was in this one a sense of really being gently minute by minute in living and so this one when this one was adding up anything would always be adding it by one and one and one. This one had it to be very careful in living and always this one would be counting everything by one and one and one. Counting everything this one was spending by one and one and one and one and one and one was in this one resisting being was in this one recognition of real existing of everything. This one could have very much injured feeling, this one could have injured feeling very often could have it for herself for other ones for any one and this one sometimes was very mixed up in doing anything by injured feeling for one and not for another one and for that other one then and for this one herself this one inside this one then and this one then was sufficiently complicated by injured feeling inside this one and injured feeling was the only complicated thing in the being and in the living of this one. This one was as I was saying a very gentle a very sensitive one, this one was a resisting one, this one was not at all an engulfing one, this one from the mixing of a little softly resisting being and very much gentle and sensitive being had in this one suspicion only as injured feeling. Some having this kind of being and having sensitiveness not delicately and sensitively in them and resisting slightly engulfing in them are completely suspicious and completely injured always in their living and these very often have it in them to having being persecuted as a mania in them. There are very many having such being in them, later I will be telling a few little things that sometimes are happening in living in the living of this kind of men this kind of women. As I was saying this one I am now just a little describing was not at all not even a little bit an engulfing one, this one was a softly resisting one a really earthy one really feeling always in living that existing anything existing is really there in being and always this one was doing all the counting this one ever was doing by counting one and then one and then one and then one. This one as I was saying had not really suspicious being, this one as I was saying had much and quite often very warmly really injured feeling, for herself in herself, for some other one, for any other one and this injured feeling was in the being of this one the only complication. Once some one, a young cousin, this one I am describing was then coming to the beginning of the middle living in this one, once a young cousin told this one, the cousin was very fond of this one, that the cousin never wanted to be eating dinner at the house of another one another cousin of this one, that he liked very much indeed being with his cousin but he did not like it at all for a place to be dining, this was then all that was said just then. Later then the first cousin the one that said this to the one I have been describing, asked this cousin who had just come to be engaged to be married then to come and take dinner with him. This one then the cousin asked to dine by the other cousin of the one I am describing happened to mention to the one I am describing that he was going to be dining next week with this cousin. This one I am now describing had then completely inside this one an injured feeling for this one that was going to be dining with the other one that this one should be going to be dining with the other one when the other one would not dine with that one because it was not a pleasant thing and so this one I am describing told the one going to be dining with the other one what that one had said about dining with him. Then of course this one would not dine with the other one. And all this came from there being in this one I am describing a soft resisting, a gentle sensitive being with not any suspiciousness in being and not any engulfing and not any egotism so that this one had to have in this one that everything that could be aggression or suspicion or worldliness in living or individual feeling was in this one injured feeling, a very little angry and a very much hurt feeling and so this one had injured feeling quite often and very much for this one, for some other one, for any other one.
     I will describe now very little a very different kind of one from that one I have been just describing. There will not be then very many more of them of the considerable number left then. There will perhaps then still be left about six of them, six kinds of them and perhaps there will be added a few more to make another generalisation but really there have been already done a considerable part of the considerable number of the resisting kind of them that I am now describing.
     This one then is quite a different kind of a one from the last one I was describing. This one as a whole one is like a cannon-ball lying on a bag of cotton, the cannon-ball lying on a cotton bag as a complete thing was the whole of this one. This is in a way a description of this one, there will be now a very little more description of this one.
     Children are always thinking are very often thinking that their mothers are very lovely looking and that is very often because mostly the child is always close up to the mother close to her when the child is looking and mostly being close like that as a habitual thing is to find that one a lovely thing a lovely looking one.
     This one that I was saying was a whole one which was like a cannon-ball resting on a bag of cotton was the cotton part finding the cannon-ball lovely looking being always so close to that thing and the cannon-ball was finding the cotton lovely looking that being so closely always to that thing. To explain then. This one then was one having solid enough dull not very lively, not lively at all fairly dry resisting bottom, a bottom that might have been engulfing if it had been a lively dark wet thing, but this was not true of it then at all that it was engulfing, it was entirely not engulfing. As I was saying many having engulfing being and not having resisting being enough in them are very aspiring and this one then had aspiration like what might have been engulfing in the bottom being the bottom being which was not at all engulfing. Some of this kind of them have it as a bottom being something that is more nearly engulfing and these then have more active aspiration as ambition, these have then more nearly some power of very nearly engulfing something but this one was as little engulfing as such a kind of them can be in living, just as amiable and ideal in aspiration and aspiration in this one as I was saying was like the cannon-ball resting on the bag of cotton, it was completely beautiful always to all that cotton and this one was always living near light and beauty near to the aspiration, the cannon-ball and this one was then as I was saying amiable in intention and clear and large worded and hesitating in expression. This one is an interesting enough one. I am knowing quite well three of these of them, one is more nearly engulfing, one has of him the very largest size in bags of cotton, one and this is the one I am realising in now describing was a little skimped in the cotton foundation. This is not a funny description, I was not certain I should say anything of the cannon-ball and the cotton, I was almost certain I would not say anything in this description about the cannon-ball and the cotton, it was not in me a natural way of conceiving any one, some one conceived this one as a cannon-ball resting on a bag of cotton, I used that in my description, this is not to me a natural way of talking, I have been using it here as I am saying. Now I will begin describing another one and that will be leaving only a few more to be describing of the considerable number of them that I have been describing of the resisting kind of them. This one that I am now beginning describing is of the resisting and sensitive and suspicious kind of them and now I will be telling a few stories about such of them.