The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (108 page)

     I have been glad to have been wrong and I have felt certain that this was making me a really joyous wise one. I have been very sad to have to bring myself to be certain that I have been wrong about something. This is now a little more history of me and the kind of suffering I can have in me. This is a little a description of the suffering I do have in me.
     When I have not been right there must be something wrong. That is what I say to myself inside me. That is what some one sometimes says to me. This has been said to me. This I do say to myself inside me. When I have not been right there must be something wrong.
     This is in a way the meaning of all living in me. This is the way I have suffering in me. When I have not been right there must be something wrong. I have been very glad to have been wrong. It is sometimes a very wearing thing to have been wrong about something.
     I have it in me in being that I am resisting in being, I am fairly slow in action and in feeling, if I am not slow in acting and in feeling and in listening I am not certain that I myself am doing that acting listening feeling, I would be thinking something was happening, it would be over and I would not be realising that I myself was listening, feeling, acting. When I am very slow in listening feeling thinking realising then I can still need to have it that I am still to be slower in doing anything. When I have not been right there must be something wrong. I may then perhaps be quicker in listening feeling realising, I must then be slower in concluding. I have very much wisdom. I want sometime to be completely understanding every one so that sometime I will be right about every one. And now I am not knowing anything at all really of the feeling any one has in them when they are between fourteen and eighteen. I certainly will be needing to know this thing. I know now I do not know at all the feeling in such of them, those being at that time of living, I cannot then really be right about every one yet, that is certain. When I have not been right there must be something wrong. I know that very well in me. Some one says I feel that in me. I certainly do feel that in me. I am hoping sometime to be right about every one, about everything. I do. I certainly do hope this thing. That is to say I want to realise every one, I want to write a history of every one. Sometime I want to be right about every one. Perhaps I am right now about some. Perhaps I am right now about a good many men and women who are and were and will be living. Perhaps I am right about almost all of them. Certainly when I am not right something is wrong and I must know it in me, in them then. I want to write a history of every one. Sometime I want to be right about every one. Perhaps I am right now about some. Certainly I am right now about a very great many men and women about the being in them. Certainly I am right now in my realising of a very considerable number of them, of men and women who were and are and will be living, of a very considerable number of kinds in men and women. Sometime I want to be right about every one, I want to realise every one. Sometime I want to write the history of every one. Always when I am not right something is wrong. Certainly I am right about a very great many, that is certain. Sometime I want to be right about every one. I want to be completely realising every one sometime. This is what I am wanting. Sometimes I am very glad to have been wrong. Sometimes it is a very wearing thing bringing my feeling to the realisation that I have been wrong about something. Sometimes it is such a tempting thing to let it go that I have, been right about something. I want sometime to be right about every one. I want sometime to write a history of every one, of every kind there is in men and women. It would be such a satisfaction always to be right about every one, such a certain, active feeling in me. I want sometime to be sure when I know something that I am completely right in my certain feeling. Sometime I want to be completely certain. I am one that in this way am wanting to be completely certain, am wanting to be right in being completely certain and in this way only in me can it come to be in me that to be dead is not to be a dead one. Really to be just dead is to be to me a really dead one. To be completely right, completely certain is to be in me universal in my feeling, to be like the earth complete and fructifying. This is doing talking. I will now begin again. I really am wanting to be sometime right about every one. I am wanting sometime to tell about secrecy in those having in them resisting being, Sometime later in the history of Alfred Hersland I will be discussing this thing.
     I have now described the considerable number of kinds of the resisting kind of them that I was going to be describing and I have now finished doing this thing. I will now be adding a very few not only of the resisting kind of them but of both resisting and attacking ones to make another generalisation but really there have been already done the considerable number of the resisting kinds of them in men and women that I was going to be describing. These few little additions are now just for finishing and to be a little commencing explaining relation between kinds that are resisting and kinds that are attacking and kinds that are kinds in men and women.
     Lena, Maria and Hetty and others that I am not now naming adapt their loving to any one* who is interesting. They then want, not to own them, not to influence them, but to feel power in themselves through them, to know inside them that they are knowing by knowing them the things the one who is interesting is knowing. These end up very often by marrying a man very popular with men who only like them out of all women, who can only be owned by them, of all women. Some are possessed by a passionate desire for the thing the interesting person is realising and such ones are a little different from these others. Some want distinction for themselves and so they are different. Some, Hortense and Martha are such of them, care enough about the man they are loving being interesting to need to love one having genius, these two have more real personal passion, more founded courage in them than Lena or Maria or Hetty. Some want to do the thing itself as if they themselves could do the thing that makes the distinguished one a distinguished one even if they know they cannot do this thing to make of themselves in it a distinguished one. Some of such of them do not know that they began to do that thing from loving a distinguished one and some of such of them are so stubborn in doing that thing that they cannot learn about that thing from the one they are adapting themselves to, the distinguished one.
     I am thinking. I am not yet certain. Every kind I have been describing of the resisting kind of men and women can be found with a different action in the attacking kind in men and women. I am thinking. I have now described a kind of them and I know some of them and some of them I have known in loving, known very well in loving and some are of the attacking and some of the resisting kind of them and I have been describing them together so that any one can see why I am thinking that there are attacking kinds correlative to the resisting kinds I have been describing.
     Lena and Maria are of the resisting and Hetty and Hortense and Martha are of the attacking kind of them and all of these have a way of loving that in a way is common to all of them, a way of adapting their loving to any one who is interesting to feel power in themselves through them.
     But all of this is one thing and now being in Alfred Hersland is something. I have been describing a considerable number of men and women having resisting being in them. Alfred Hersland had resisting engulfing being in him. Having been understanding so many having resisting being in them makes it more certain that I am understanding the being in Alfred Hersland.
     Alfred Hersland had resisting being somewhat engulfing resisting being in him. He had not anything at all of the attacking kind of being in him. He was all of engulfing resisting being.
     Alfred had it in him to have his being in him so that it was a little passionate in him, not very affectionate in him, not so as to be very good in him, not really ever very bad in him, sometimes as aspiration in him, more or less as ambition in him, sometimes as virtuous and didactic in him. The kind of being he had in him was of a kind of being that in some having it in them makes of them being devout in religion, quite aspiring in their living, quite ambitious for succeeding, makes of them mystic in religion so as to let themselves be absorbed all existing, some of them having this kind of being in them have religion in them. Some having this kind of being in them are meek enough in living and yet a little dominating in family living and some of such of them need to have as a wife to them some one very vibratingly existing to give to them enough stimulation to make them keep really alive inside them. All these then are of the resisting the dependent independent kind of them. Some of them have the being in them inside and some of these then are trying to engulf every one near them to be lost inside them, to be swallowed by them and some of them are not interested in very many persons near them but some of them they need to have engulfed by them and so then Alfred Hersland was of the kind of them the resisting dependent independent kind of them, the kind that own those they need for loving. Many of such of them do not really in their living need any one for loving.
     Alfred Hersland to my feeling has being in him as pieces only of being. This is now to be more history of him. He was of the resisting engulfing kind of them, his being was a little passionate, not very affectionate, not so very good, not really so very bad in him, somewhat as aspiration in him, a good deal as ambition in him, possibly as religion in him, certainly as weakness in him, not altogether as successful in him. He had his being in him and to very many being was not complete in him. He was not a very strong one, he was not altogether a weak one. This is now to be completely a history of him and the living he had all together in him.
     Very many never learn anything from the experience with themselves they have in living. Very many are never at all learning anything with the experience they are having of themselves in their living. Very many are always expecting out of themselves what they could have certainly been learning that they would not ever be succeeding in doing. Very many are not all their living learning anything from the experience they have with themselves in their living. This is very common. Alfred Hersland in a way was such a one. All the Hersland men in a way were such ones in their being, Mr. David Hersland in his living, Alfred and David Hersland in their living. Alfred Hersland was in a way such a one. This is now to be a complete history of him.
     There is always, perhaps there is always something in what every one says about any one. In some way anything, everything any one, every one says about any one is a true thing. Each one says something about some one and that one says something says a number of things sometime about herself or himself and everything any one, anything any one says about that one anything that one says about that one everything that one says about that one is in a way a true thing. Always then sometime there is a complete history of some one, sometime there will be a complete history of Julia Dehning. Sometime there will be very many descriptions of some one, there will sometime be very many descriptions of Julia Dehning. Now there is to be more description of the being Alfred Hersland had in him always in all his living. Very soon now there is to be very much description of the living in Alfred Hersland and of the people Alfred Hersland came to know in living, and now I am feeling a complete realisation of the difference between affection and passion and soon there will be a description of Alfred Hersland knowing the man who was a musician and of Alfred Hersland knowing the woman who was the sister of the first governess the Herslands had had living with them in the ten acre place in Gossols. These two were a little important to him in his early living as I have already been saying. I am very interested just now in the difference between passion and affection and I will now tell about a man and then I will describe the musician Alfred Hersland came to know in his early living a Mr. Arragon who was really foreign.
     I am always more and more realising that some are pieces of being always in living and some are not such pieces of being in their whole living. Later then I will be describing being in Alfred Hersland and all the living he had in him. Just now as I am saying I find it that I am writing about a man who had inspired affection in him for beautiful things in living and this one was a puzzle to me and then I knew it of him that it was inspired affection not passion he had in him. Arragon had passion that was not poignant in him but it was passion, this one that is now strongly in my feeling is one having inspired affection and not at all any passion in him. This one in his young living to the beginning of his middle living was to very many knowing him, to himself always inside him one having really passion about beauty in living. This one had then inspired affection not passion in him but inspired affection was so freshly poignantly in him and his intellect could use it so well for him that to himself then and to every one then he had real creation of passionately understanding beautiful things in living. More and more then this one in his middle living was not any longer creating his realisation of beauty in living, this one was then living on the approximation others made for him of everything this one wished to have beautiful around him and for living. This one then never could make for himself the beautiful luxury he was needing. Inspired affection for beauty in him awoke in others the need of creating as nearly as these could do what this one needed as beauty in living. This one could not create his own taste in luxury in living, he could not create his own taste for a woman. A woman, everything in his living created itself to approximate, to the taste this one would have created if this one could have created the thing this one wanted to have to arouse in him inspired affection. This one then after beginning his middle living never created anything, never in his living did this one create loving not for beautiful things not for a woman, this one had inspired affection in him and to himself and to every one it was passion, it never was passion in him and more it came out in him as more and more in living this one needed that other ones by their creating approximated to what his taste would have been if he had had passion instead of affection for luxury and beauty in living and so this one more and more was declining because this one came more and more to have affection for things others created to be what this one would have wanted to have in living if this one could have created what this one was needing to have to arouse him to inspired affection and this is a history of this one. Now this one as I am saying had not passion in him, not for beauty not for a woman not for anything, but this one had inspired affection and it is an interesting thing that this one had as a woman who chose herself for him one who was as this one was of the attacking type in men and women, this is an interesting thing. I am very happy in realising this thing. I am hoping that this is really the complete history of this one.