The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (104 page)

     One having in him very thickly in him murky resisting engulfing being often threatened he would kill himself and he sometimes made a poem before he was ready to kill himself because he could not have in living what he needed to completely content him. This is now a very little description of this one. This one is quite an interesting one, this one is rather strong in his living in his being this one is fairly successful in living. This one as a very young one was not a very adroit one, was rather reckless and given to having things happen to him, had courage in him, was a pretty hard one to manage, was quite a funny one. He was when he was a young one a reckless one, quite in almost a foolish way a daring one and in a way very many liked him very well then and not any one then could in any kind of a way manage him. When he was a little older then he was quite affectionate with his brother and his father, his mother was less interesting to him, his brother was very fond of him, his brother was older, his father liked to hear him say funny things then, and then when he was a little older again this one not yet any more than quite a young man he was quite a stingy one, a very prudent one, a very openly suspicious one, quite popular with men, not very interesting to women, quite devoted to his brother, quite cold in his relations to any one having any need of him, completely without enthusiasm, quite openly suspicious as I was saying, very prudent in his business living and quite a good business man, and as I was saying completely certain that he should take care of himself completely that not any one would do this thing for him. This was the being in him and as I am saying it was interesting. When he was quite a young man he decided on marrying and then when his mother tried to interfere with him he told the people that his mother was a bad one and he told her that be had written a poem and now he would kill himself and she believed him. This one as I am saying was openly a suspicious one, openly a man thinking only of his own well being, he was quite a funny one, he was very popular with men, he was not very interesting to women but they mostly did not at all dislike him, he had been when he was a young one quite reckless and quite daring, he always had all his living very affectionate ways in him, he always was certain that he would be master in any house which was his own house completely master of it and always he was a pleasant and quite a funny fellow and he could be openly flattering and openly suspicious and he was both all of his living and always he was very funny to every one, very amusing, as I was saying he was always pretty popular with men and not at all unpopular with women. He had his passionate resisting engulfing being in him quite alive and completely in between aggression and resisting, he was not attacking with it, he was not resisting with it, it never was doing one thing or the other thing neither aggressive in it or resisting in it, he had all the qualities of it of his kind of being, they were all complete alive and living in him, they were so to speak not in motion, this as I am understanding is the being in him, he had almost not any really stupid being in him, he was completely his own being and this was completely alive, completely not moving in him. This is the way I am now understanding this one, it is very certain that I must sometime completely be understanding this one for I am constantly now feeling thinking about knowing certain ones in a way connected with this one and it is important to me that I sometime understand them, it is important to me very important indeed to me that I sometime understand every one, I am always keeping on wanting to do this thing mostly all the time, certainly pretty nearly all the time, yes always somewhere in me that is certain, always somewhere in me, mostly all through me I am hoping that sometime I will be understanding every one every kind there are of men and women knowing, feeling, completely realising them, each one, every one, and sometime I certainly am hoping to be completely understanding several I am knowing that are a kind of them connected in kind with the kind of which I have just been a little describing one. I am then certainly going on with my hoping. I will now go on with my description of a considerable number of men and women, some men, some women, all of the resisting kind in men and women.
     This one of whom I am now going to be giving a very little description is not completely of the engulfing kind of the resisting kind of them, he is a murky passionate resisting one but not a really engulfing one, he is as near to being an engulfing one as one can be without being one. He is as near an engulfing kind as one can be who is not it at all but is completely disturbed in loving so that it is really in him that in a way he is not an engulfing kind of a one. This one then in a way is connected with Mr. Hissen the grandfather of the Hersland children in his kind of being, this one has in him religion, very completely in him but he is not a complete one, he is not complete inside him completely all that there is of religion in him, he is lost in loving, lost in religion, not completely a lost one but sometimes quite completely a lost one, has to be afraid inside him to be rescued by some one from the quite completely lost condition of him. This one is not then a very complete one inside him, that is natural from the being in him. This one like some others like him loses himself from inside him by loving feeling by religion in him, this one then does not do this completely in him, he is a little all himself inside him and so then this one all his living is a very incomplete one, always then he is not succeeding very well in living, mostly then some one masters him enough so that he does not completely fail in living completely lose himself out from him and he too a little helps with this being with the being in him that is in him that makes him a little the complete thing in religion in himself inside him. This one then in a way in loving, in religion, loses the feeling after the emotion, must then begin again and this is a natural thing from the nature of him, he is not at all engulfing, he is as near to it as any one can be who completely entirely is not it. I am finding this description very interesting. I am understanding more and more now the being in him. This is all that I will now be writing of him. He was quite an elegant one quite a graceful one in his expression, in his daily living, when he was a young one he was quite completely an idealist then, always he had religion and loving in him. This is all I am now going to be saying about him.
     I have known several of a kind of them of the resisting engulfing kind of them men and women of this kind, I have known completely some of them this kind of them, I have known absolutely entirely completely one of such of them, I have known pretty entirely completely another of this kind of them, I have known men I have known women of this kind of them of one kind of the engulfing resisting kind in men and women, and these have it that vanity is complete in them, pride is not in them, vanity is complete in them, seizing anything they are thinking they are needing in living is complete in them, elegance is very completely in them, desiring completely successful feeling is completely in them in such of them, feeling what they are needing to give to themselves or any one distinction is very completely in them, feeling about anything itself is not very much in then, realising the complete meaning, feeling the complete elegance of distinction feeling it completely in them, seizing everything anything they are needing for such complete realising of distinction in themselves and in every one is completely in them, vanity as I am saying is completely in them, simplicity in realising that they are completely elegant and completely needing distinction is very important in realising any one of such a kind of them. It is a very important thing to know it of these then that they have complete vanity in them, that they have complete feeling for the thing for anything any one is needing to really give to them real distinction. These then are as I was saying one kind of the engulfing resisting kind of them, they are completely then engulfing resisting some of such of them and the thing they are completely engulfingly resistingly winning is anything everything that can give to them distinction. They have vanity completely in them so completely in them that they have in them perfectly simplicity in seizing anything they are needing. They have vanity and elegance so completely in them that they have not any pride in them they do not need to have pride in them to protect them to themselves inside them from anything. They have vanity completely in them, some of them have some engulfing passion in them some have very little engulfing passion in them, such of them have not any affection really in them, such of them mostly are not thinking about feeling in them anything of itself in them, they have elegance of being, they have complete vanity inside them, they have completely in them the realisation of every one who is a distinguished one, of themselves as having distinction in them. Some of such of them are judging every one by the intelligence in them, all of such of them, are always judging every one, they must always be judging every one such a one, all the being in them is the learning by them the distinction they must by the being in them be seizing. They have not in them such of them the feeling for a thing itself, they have not loving for anything itself, they have in them the needing of seizing distinction, they have in them a complete need of judging for they must always be judging every one as to whether that one has distinction in her or in him, by judging they can decide then about this thing about every one, they cannot have the feeling for the thing that any one by loving that thing has come to have distinction in her or in him, they have in them only the need in them of judging whether some one has come to have distinction and always such a one has complete vanity in being, they have not any need of any pride inside them to protect themselves inside them and so then, such a one, as I am saying such a one is complete seizing judging ever}' one for distinction. They have then such ones the instinct for realising distinction, for judging people and things that merit distinction, they have not these then most completely not the emotion of the things that gives to people distinction. Consequently for them, learning is to teach themselves or have some one teach them to recognise and realise the things that those people realise who have achieved distinction and that can only be done by such of them by their learning to realise detail in thinking and feeling, so that these judging some one as a distinguished one can enter into that one's distinction by realising what that one judged to be distinguished by them is thinking and feeling. These have then to learn carefully what it is they have seized and are seizing, these can then go on successfully living, always these are judging, mostly these are completely seizing what they are needing. I am hoping always hoping to be making a complete history of all men and women completely, completely and more completely of them, these then that I have been just describing are connected quite closely connected all of them with the kind that Alfred Hersland is of men and women. These I have been describing are very clearly in me, pretty nearly completely clearly in me and I am pretty nearly completely understanding them and some of them certainly are of such a kind of them I will be describing again and again.
     I still am going to be describing a considerable number of kinds of men and women and some now are not very engulfing of the resisting kind in men and women. Of some of these that I am now going to be describing I am going to be describing inquisitiveness in them. Inquisitiveness in men and women is very interesting. Some have very much of this in them, some of these I am going to be describing have it almost as complete being in them the amount of inquisitiveness in them, and the meaning of inquisitiveness in them. I am now going to be describing a considerable number of men and inquisitiveness and loving and affection in them and slowness and succeeding and failing in their living is very important in them in the understanding of them. There will be then now a very considerable number more of men and women with resisting being in them that I will be liking to be describing. To begin again now with diminishing this considerable number. I am beginning now again.
     Curiosity and suspicion these two things are often very interesting, this one that I am now beginning describing had these very completely in him, and always then this one had these more simply in him than any one knowing him was realising, he had inquisitiveness in him for the mere satisfaction of asking and knowing, he had suspicion in him because suspicious feeling was a pleasant feeling in him, he used inquisitiveness and suspicion in living, that is certain, no one knowing him could deny that of him, but often he was not using such things, he was just inquiring, he was just asking because his attention was caught and he liked to know everything and he liked asking and often suspicion was in him because suspicion was an easy way to be feeling for him about everything and a very pleasant feeling to have inside him. This one was of the resisting slightly engulfing kind in men and women, resisting and engulfing was equally in him. In many I have been describing engulfing is stronger than resisting, in this one resisting and engulfing was pretty nearly equally divided in him, he was thick but not too thick not too dry in his being, he could take complete impression from everything he was learning, he was always asking, he was continually suspecting, he was quite successful in living. This is now to be a little a description of the questions he was always asking, of the suspicion always in him.
     Some men and women are inquisitive about everything, they are always asking, if they see any one with anything they ask what is that thing, what is it you are carrying, what are you going to be doing with that thing, why have you that, thing, where did you get that thing, how long will you have that thing, there are very many men and women who want to know about anything about everything, I am such a one, I certainly am such a one. A very great many like to know a good many things, a great many are always asking questions of every one, a great many are to very many doing this with intention, a great many have intention in their asking, a great many just have their attention caught by anything and then they ask the question. Some when they are hearing any one talking are immediately listening, many would like to know what is in letters others aie writing and receiving, a great many quite honest ones are always wanting to know everything, a great many men and women have a good deal suspicion in them about others and this has in them not any very precise meaning. A great many are liking to know things but do not do much asking, a great many have not any such a feeling. A great many have a very great deal of suspiciousness in them, a great many have almost not any of this being in them. This one that I am now describing was one who was always asking and mostly always every one was wondering what was this one meaning by the questions he was asking and often later this one would perhaps be using information he had had from asking questions but asking questions in him was not a thing in him that came from wanting to be using some time information he was gathering, very often asking questions in him was simply from a catelling of his attention by something. Once this one asked some one he was visiting, just suddenly,—and this door here does that lead into the hall or directly out into the garden,—and that was all he said then about this thing and afterwards every one was thinking he would be using this against them but really then this one was wondering did the door lead to the hall or directly to a garden. If such a one, one having this kind of a way is of the resisting engulfing type and fairly successful in living and slow and sudden and quite suspicious of every one, almost certainly then every one will think it to be true of such a one that this one always is asking questions for purposes of winning, perhaps of cheating, certainly for some distant manoeuvering. This is very common. There are very many having in them rather engulfing rather resisting being who are slow and sudden, who are a little absent when any one is asking them anything, who are suspicious and quite trusting, who are often asking questions for in their being being in slow action and always more or less moving they have it that their attention is always a little wandering waiting for something inside them to do something and so then these of them are very busy having their attention caught by anything and asking questions about everything and very often every one knowing such of them are very suspicious of them and mostly these then too have constant suspicion in them as constant as the questioning in them. This is very common then with this kind of being. I am not yet through with my description of this kind of resisting engulfing men and women.