The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (110 page)

     Every one has their own being in them, every one is of a kind in men and women. Only a very little sometimes this is not an important thing inside me to me. Sometimes it is not an important thing inside me, sometimes it is a little a dreary thing, making of everything that there is not anything inspiriting to be a live one. Sometimes it is a little this way in me but mostly always it is an important thing inside me that every one is their own self inside them, that every one is of a kind of men and women. Always to me, to be a dead one is a sombre thing, to be certain that it is existing, always there has been in me the being very much afraid of this thing, always it is to me a sombre thing in living, sometime later in the history of David Hersland there will be very much description of this sombre feeling in some. Mostly as I am repeating it is an important thing inside me that each one is themselves inside them that each one is of a kind in men and women. Mostly and I am saying it again and again it is an important thing, always an important thing, mostly always an important thing. Each one is themselves inside them, each one is one of a kind in men and women, this is an important thing always in my living, it is sometimes a very pleasant feeling, it is very often a very pleasant feeling in me, mostly always it is completely an important thing inside me. I am living, I am certain, I am important in me in my realising that each is themselves inside them that each one is of a kind in men and women, I have very often a very pleasant feeling, I have sometimes a very sombre feeling. I have just now a good deal a quite sombre feeling. I am beginning now again telling, feeling, being certain of the kind of being there is in one kind in men and women. Always each one is to me completely their own selves inside them, I have never a sombre feeling that that is not a certain thing. Always each one is themselves inside them, always each one is of a kind in men and women Always kinds are connected with other kinds in men and women. Sometimes I want to be describing lots and lots of kinds in men and women, I want to be going on and on and describe one and then another one and then connections between them and then perhaps I am mistaken and I am hurrying and crowding and then I am not certain and then I am wondering perhaps it is not completely an important thing, perhaps not anything is inspiriting in living, but always in me really I am certain that it is an important thing in me and I am telling that each one has always their own being in them that every one is one of a kind in men and women, mostly then this in me is important feeling, mostly this is in me pleasant and exciting, sometimes there is in every sombre feeling, always there is in me that it is interesting that each one is themself inside them that each one is of a kind in men and women. Mostly always I am important with this thing.
     I am important with this thing. There is a kind of them then of the attacking kind of them that I have been describing. These have sensitive passion in them. In some it is a very poignant thing in them, in some it is not such a poignant thing. I have described one in whom it was a poignant thing. In some in whom it is a poignant thing it is religion in them, in some it is denying in them, in some it is aspiration and these are disappointed idealists in living but this is not what I am telling, I am describing now a musician, one having a very good concentrating intelligence in him, a spread out vibrating sensitiveness in him, an aspiration to be religious and exalted in all feeling, a wanting to be always loving, a succeeding in being very often very complicated in much loving, a success in living and then a good deal of failing and then a very great deal of failing and then not altogether failing. As I was saying passionate being was not poignant in him, he had a very great deal of it in him, he was a good musician, he was a foreign one, he was in Gossols and then he was not altogether failing not altogether succeeding, there he was living, he was to very many knowing him an adventurer in living, really he was one not having passion as very poignant in him but having in him a good deal of it in him of this non-poignant passion, a very great deal of sensitiveness and aspiration in doing much loving and perhaps having religion, not so very much aspiration for succeeding or failing.
     Alfred Hersland as I said in beginning about his knowing this man came to know him when Alfred was coming to the beginning of the ending of his young living. This one was then a little important to him, not very important to him, not any one was very important to him then, he was slowly growing up then and he had his being in him and he had it as being that at that time in his living not any one was very important to him, this friend and teacher was as important as any one was then to Alfred, he was a little important to him, I am remembering very well now the being in Alfred Hersland.
     Alfred Hersland had it in him that he was then living the living of people near him, he was doing then everything those near him were doing in living, he was then living the living of Mr. Arragon and doing everything he did that he could do with him. Alfred was as I was saying of the resisting engulfing kind of them having in him very much aspiring in living, having in him a fair amount of passion in living, having in him a very considerable feeling for distinction and elegance and beauty and richness in living having in him very considerably at times violent feeling in him of wanting to be doing with every one he was knowing what they were doing that he wanted to be doing with them. He had then very much pleasing feeling in doing with him what Arragon was doing in living, as I was saying Alfred Hersland really had musical feeling and musical understanding in him, he never had it at all in him that he wanted to be a musician. As I was saying Mr. Arragon was a little but was not very important to Alfred Hersland inside him, not any one could be then really important to Alfred Hersland inside him then, Alfred had his being inside him then, Alfred was of a kind in men and women, that was all the history of Alfred Hersland then and he was living the living of those near him and he was doing everything he was doing in his living with those he was then knowing and he was then doing everything they were then doing in their living. He was as I said before in a way then of the feeling of his natural rich American living but really always he was living the living and doing everything that they were doing of those near him. He was as I was saying of the engulfing resisting kind in men and women and he had in him a fair amount of passion in living and always then he was living, he was doing everything those near him were doing in living. Mr. Arragon was at one time very much with him. He was a little important as important as any one to Alfred Hersland then. Not any one was or could be really important to Alfred Hersland then. Alfred was of the engulfing resisting kind in men and women, not very strongly really resisting, not very strongly really engulfing, quite very strongly aspiring, quite strongly feeling distinction and elegance and beauty in living and richness as I was saying, quite often angry in resolving and very angry in beginning doing what every one near him was doing in living. He had his own being then, he was of a kind in men and women.
     He was very pleasant to himself in being with Arragon and he liked it very well and it was a rich feeling in him that Mr. Arragon was having him with him in doing his living. Not anything was completely important to Alfred Hersland then.
     I am not content, I have not had it come out without pressing the description of Mr. Arragon the musician. It should come out of me without pressing without any straining in me to be pressing, I can be doing thinking to be helping, I should not be doing any pressing and any straining, I have been doing a little it has not come to be a complete thing simply coming, it is to be then to rebegin to come out from me. Always each thing must come out completely from me leaving me inside me just then gently empty, so pleasantly and weakly gently empty, that is a happy way to have it come out of me each one that is making itself in me, that is the only way it can come to be content for me in me, it can come out fairly quickly very slowly with a burst or gently, any way it feels a need of coming out of me, but being out of me I must be very pleasantly most gently, often weakly empty, this one then Mr. Arragon is not so happily then out of me, he is then still there inside me, I will let him come again when he is more completely ready, of the kind he is in living that has come out very pleasantly from inside me, his own being in me has not come out to be out of me so satisfactorily. Sometime then he may be better done, to begin again then the being and the living Alfred Hersland had in him.
     Some are a very long time puzzles to me, this one the musician Mr. Arragon is not a puzzle to me, he is quite completely in me, and all of it is understood inside me, pretty well understood by me inside me, it is the coming out of me that has not been satisfactory. It has come out of me as little pieces never making a complete one, I will be a little slow and then it will come better done, I hope I am certain of this thing. I am not waiting, I am forgetting so that this one can come when this one can come as a satisfactory one without my disturbing this one by any impatience about this one. I have been describing very many men and very many women many of the resisting, some of the attacking kind of them, as I have often been saying there are many kinds of mixing a bottom attacking breaking through resisting nature in the same one, pressing through resisting nature in the same one, acting separately with resisting being in the same one and resisting being in the bottom doing all kinds of twisted complications with attacking being in the same one. There are very many kinds of mixing, I have described some of them, and then there are some and these are certainly very difficult ones in whom the character of the being is completely oppositely acting and there are border line cases where the one is almost the other kind of a one. And sometimes then I think it is all foolishness this I am writing and thinking and feeling and having as important being and then I give in to not thinking or feeling or being an important one and then I see it again and I am simply certain and I am naturally thinking, feeling each one as a kind of a one in the way I have been telling and I am then again a completely important one. Alfred Hersland in his living knew a number of kinds in men and women. I am beginning now very regularly again the history of the living and the being in him.
     Alfred Hersland as I have certainly been realising is of the resisting more or less engulfing kind in men and women. As I was saying those having in them resisting being are those having in them realisation of things as existing as more in them than as things having relation. Those having in them resisting being have not emotion in them having really poignancy in them like sensation. This is then a thing to be now completely believing. Those having in them resisting as their complete way of being in living are those having In them as I was saying earthy being in the way of really being certain that everything that each thing is really an existing thing, these have it in them that completely in them existing is the thing they know inside them that everything each thing really is really existing. As I have, said often there are many variations in this thing and there are those having this being who come from the way of having this being in them to be certain that not anything is really existing and all that is complication and I have been telling I will never be ending my telling of all these kinds of ways of being but again and again I am certain that the resisting kind in men and women have it in them to be certain as a bottom being that really each thing is existing. Now some as I am saying of the resisting kind of them are of an engulfing kind and these too are certain that each thing they are engulfing is really a thing really existing. These then too have it that sensation is in them more poignant than emotion, that a thing existing is nearer knowledge in them than things being in relation. The attacking kind in men and women are just the other way as I have said and I will be saying. The resisting kind in men and women are such then, they have complete realisation naturally in them that things that each thing is really existing. Now see what is true in them. They have this in them, they have curiosity and imagination based in them on the real realisation in them that each thing is existing. Yes. In a kind of them of which Alfred Hersland is one this is not solid in them although the being in them is this kind of being in them. This realisation of things being existing is in such of them but these being comparatively intermittently resisting and engulfing their curiosity and imagination is sometimes quite often disconnected with the realisation that things that each thing is really existing. These can have it in them to be aspiring without being then founded in them on a realisation that each thing is existing, these then can have engulfing passion in them that does not really seize the thing they could be realising as really existing. These then come to be quite considerably in their living that they are a part of a being. Curiosity can in such of them turn into cleverness in living for it is not then based in them on the realisation that each thing is really existing.
     This is being in Alfred Hersland. He liked being with Arragon, he had really musical realisation in him then and always he could have it in him. He liked being with Arragon, liked realising music with him, he had also very much then in him a pleased feeling of being doing everything in living with Arragon that Arragon was doing then in his living. Mostly Alfred Hersland did what he did in his living, did with them what others did in their living as being something he was then doing but there was in him with Arragon a little more important and pleasant feeling of himself to himself inside him by doing with him with Arragon what Arragon was doing then in living. Alfred was beginning then a little too to pass this on to his brother and his sister, this was the beginning of being a little aspiring and also a little being a head of family living in his being. He had really then some realisation of musical meaning, he did then everything he was then doing with Arragon and he was doing then pretty nearly everything Arragon was then doing in living. This then is the beginning the little beginning of middle living in Alfred Hersland. As I was saying Arragon was not then very important in Alfred Hersland, he himself inside him not really yet in being was really the only important thing inside him in Alfred Hersland could be the only important thing really inside him. In a way Alfred was not one really to be deeply influenced by anything and that is a natural thing in him. In his middle middle living he was really more effected by some, all his early middle living, all his young living he certainly had none to be really important to him in him or for him, he was different inside him at different times in this living, sometimes more sometimes less to himself inside him in him, but always then he had his being in him and always then in a way the whole of him was part of being, and always then he was doing everything he was doing with those living near him and mostly he was doing everything they were doing in living, and sometimes he was quite sometimes not so much important to himself inside him, and always in a way he was never in being in living cut off really from rich American living. He knew at this time as I was saying Olga who was Ida the sister of the first governess the Herslands had had living with them, Ida was then a school-teacher, Alfred laughed at her, he liked her, Arragon liked her, there was not much history of this liking for her. Sometimes Alfred saw a good deal of her, once he wrote her a real love letter. She was in a way angry then and told him he was not a good man and should not come to see her. Arragon thought there would be some history of a feeling in himself for her, he found out for himself and from what Alfred told him about himself and her that there was not being really a history in either one of them knowing her. She was in a way a queer one to mostly every one knowing her that there was not a history in any one's knowing her. I will try now to describe her.