The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (114 page)

     Loving being, I am filled just now quite full of loving being in myself and in a number of men and women. Loving is to me just now an interesting, a delightful a quite completely realised thing. I have loving being in me more than I knew I could have in me. It was a surprising thing to find it so completely in me. I am realising loving being in quite a number now of men and women, completely realising for them, completely realising in them loving being. I am loving just now beautiful loving, I am loving nice loving, I am loving just now every kind of loving. I am realising just now very much and quite some kinds of loving. I am thinking now that it is a difficult thing to be knowing without very careful waiting and then a little more waiting besides the waiting that was pretty nearly enough waiting how much any one is, what kind there is in any one of loving. A very great many have very many prejudices concerning loving, more perhaps even than about drinking and eating. This is very common. Not very many are very well pleased with other people's ways in having loving in them. Some are very much pleased with some ways of having loving and not with other ways of having loving. Some are wanting people to be very nice in having loving being in them. Some are pretty well ready to let most people do the kind of loving they have naturally in them but are not ready to let all people do the loving the way loving naturally comes to be in them. A very considerable number of men and women have different ways of having loving in them. I have different ways of having loving feeling in me Î am certain; I am loving just now very much all loving. I am realising just now with lightness and delight and conviction and acquiescing and curious feeling all the ways anybody can be having loving feeling. I have always all along been telling a little about ways of loving in different kinds in men and women. I will tell now a little more about specific loving in some specific men and women.
     Some are never really knowing how much or how little they can be loving. Some are never really knowing how much they are loving. They are looking at some one they are loving and they are thinking they are not really completely loving they could very easily be forgetting the one they are loving, and then they are completely full up then with loving, and they never at any time can be realising that really they are loving more or may be less than they are thinking they are loving. I can understand this thing, I cannot really ever be really realising that I can really be having really loving feeling. This is perhaps more common in the resisting than in the attacking kind in men, at least it would be a very natural thing if it were a common thing with those having resisting being as their way of having loving feeling. There are then kinds in men and women and each kind has a way of loving that in a way is common to each one of that kind of them. As I was saying, now as I am saying some know very well the complete feeling of being a loving one inside them. It is a very wonderful thing when one is not certain with loving to be seeing some one completely certain in having completely quivering, complete loving feeling, to be all loving and certain that they are really all loving. There are then attacking and resisting kind in men and women. There are sensitive attacking, and trembling attacking, and quivering attacking, and obstinate attacking, and rushing attacking, and piercing attacking, and cowardly attacking, and withdrawing attacking, and steady attacking, and enthusiastic attacking, and mystic attacking that is attacking to lose itself in complete emotion, and narrow attacking that is destroying everything that is not to be there as an object to be attacked to exaltation, and ambitious attacking, and sullen attacking, and quick attacking, and planned attacking, and necessary attacking, and sudden and intermittent attacking, and confused attacking, and dutiful attacking, and troubled attacking, and slow attacking, and stupid attacking, and wobbling attacking and then there are engulfing resisting and simple resisting and vacant resisting and surface resisting and yielding resisting and stubborn resisting and solemn resisting and earnest resisting and seductive resisting and fiery resisting and intermittent resisting and attacking resisting, and confused resisting and dulled resisting, and emphatic resisting and sympathetic resisting, and fearful resisting, and very timid resisting and trickly resisting and suspicious resisting, and embracing resisting and in short there are very many kinds of ways of having loving feeling in men and in women.
     As I was saying some are not ever really certain they are really loving and they are looking at one they are loving and they are thinking they could easily be forgetting that one any one they are loving, that not any one is really loved by them, that they are really not having loving feeling that is real ever in them and such then are wondering, and adoring one really having certain loving feeling. It is a very wonderful thing to such a one, one not being certain that some one can have complete energy complete certainty in loving, that some one can have emotion to have poignancy like a sensation. Such a one, one never really believing that the feeling in them is really loving feeling can perhaps come to believe it of themselves by experiencing that always they are spontaneously acting as if they were completely loving, and repeating in them of such action sometimes does convince such a one. They know they are loving because they are doing what some one who is loving would naturally be doing and this gradually brings conviction to them. Some turn it then into a sentimental feeling so as not to lose it out of them, a few keep it as really needing to be constantly repeating to keep them in their conviction. This then has been a description of some loving.
     As I was saying a great many have prejudices about people being loving. Some say alright all but one way of loving, another says alright all but another way of loving, some say not very many kinds of loving are right loving, some say all ways of loving are really ways of having loving feeling. I like loving. I like mostly all the ways any one can have of having loving feeling in them. Slowly it has come to be in me that any way of being a loving one is interesting and not unpleasant to me. That came very slowly to be in me. I like loving then as I am saying. I will tell now then a little more about loving in women and in men.
     Sometimes it is very puzzling that so many are certain that they are really loving some one. Sometimes I am wondering about how they can be so very certain. And then they have so many ways of thinking out the loving in them. And then they have ways of beginning loving and ways of ending loving very many men and very many women and ways of marrying and not marrying that certainly are puzzling and believing that they can and cannot bear to be loving and not living, they can and cannot be learning loving, and ways of being brave and being cowardly with loving and with those that they are loving that are very complicating. Sometimes some one who is always ready to be fighting and ready to kill and be killed by any one when he thinks it right for him to be an angry one sometimes then such a one being really wanting to be completely dominating in loving, being an attacking one gets frightened and has a feeling of loathing when one who is not any longer loving him though he is still loving that one threatens to really injure him. How should that one knowing that the other one is not any longer loving be so afraid when the other one threatens to really injure him. Is it that until then he could never, he being an attacking one, could never really realise that the other one was not loving him. Why should a courageous one be afraid when one who has once loved him threatens to hurt him when he would not be afraid earlier or later of that one. Is it vanity or the bitter feeling of being really an abandoned one lonely and suffering because some one is really positively not loving that one. I think it is in mostly every one, in certainly a good many women and men a kind of the last one left on earth all alone feeling when they are realising even when they are not any longer loving that one that some one really truly completely actually does not any longer love them. But all this is just something that is happening. Now I am telling a little more about loving.
     Alfred Hersland and Julia Dehning came to have some loving feeling and then they came to marrying. I am beginning again a history of them.
     I was seeing one to-day who reminded me very much of another one I have seen doing very much loving and both of these certainly are in a way in living that is a natural way to feel about the being, the acting and the living in them. These were in a way quite different ones these two in their complete living I am certain but they both being of the resisting kind in men and women were and are and will be so completely on fire always every minute in existing that they are not really ever resisting anything and being of the resisting not of the attacking kind of men and women the fire of it is burning any one besides being just burning is burning that one by accident of conflagration, are burning themselves by accident of being themselves in a fire that is burning. I know just now two of such of them, one of such of them I know quite well in all loving, the other one I am just seeing sitting, standing, running, looking, a little in talking, breathing and I will not be seeing any more in living, I have not been seeing any more in living. The loving in such of them is naturally from the being of them what any one understanding now the being in such can be realising. All the ones in between these and engulfing ones, between these and completely resisting ones are existing. I have seen quite a number of them. I am seeing these days very many kinds of men and women. Sometimes now I am tired out and irritated and not at all amiable about them because they are not some of them like any other one I have been knowing. Sometimes then now I have a very irritable feeling in looking and sometimes some one these days and I am looking steadily at them are very completely illuminating a kind in men and women. I am these days seeing men and women. I am these days looking and looking and looking at them and then I am all worn out and irritated by being wearied with seeing and not seeing being in them. I see a very considerable number just now of men and women. I am wearied and not weary with my learning always more and more and then not being really ever certain. I am a happy one, that is quite reasonably certain. I am quite a very happy person. I am quite completely a very happy person seeing very many men and women.
     I am listening just now to many women loving one, a resisting one who is not burning. This one certainly is not burning, not burning himself or any one by conflagration. This is one of the resisting kind of them I have been describing not having any weakness in him and all the romantic strength of intelligent and active genius to very many knowing him. This gives in him some appearance of burning to some. One having as I was saying being like wood cut and excellent and hard and sometimes made into shapes very fanciful and delicate and perhaps symbolic but always being solid wood cut and not sensitive to being a weak thing by being a thing having sap flowing. This one then as I am saying is always being one having many loving him, insisting upon loving him, clinging adoring, following, needing him. He is having very many kinds of women always loving him. He is a very nice man really in his loving. He is sentimental a little and solid and firm and gentle and complete in loving and not any longer loving.
     Sometime I will describe very many who are loving in their living. I have now described some, and I am feeling very many loving everywhere in living. I am feeling a very great many men and women, I am feeling a very great many men and women doing loving. More and more I will be satisfied with every kind there is in men and women of being, doing loving. Now I am really beginning again about being in Alfred Hersland and in Julia Dehning.
     Alfred Hersland as almost any one can tell now by remembering was of the resisting engulfing kind in men and women, not a very complete one in being, fairly aspiring in being and in living, not really failing not really succeeding in the whole of the living in him, not completely certain that to be dead was to be really a dead one, not quite completely entirely utterly certain that to be dead was not to be really a dead one. Julia Dehning I am just beginning describing. Julia Dehning was of the attacking kind in men and women. Julia Dehning was of the kind of attacking kind who mostly are spending their living resisting being at bottom changing in their way of doing any attacking. They are attacking with some excitement everything to mostly every one seeing them, really they are resisting all their living any changing in their feeling of attacking. In a way then at bottom they are mostly all their living not having any stimulation. Mostly to every one they are excitedly every minute being stimulated by something. I am going to tell a good deal now about attacking being. I am beginning preparing myself now to be courageous to do this thing. I am feeling a little weak now in courageous feeling as is quite common in my living. I am remembering and remembering attacking being. I am a little realising this thing. I am beginning again now remembering realising attacking being in men and women, in Julia Dehning.
     Hopefulness is to me very interesting. Any one expecting anything to be coming out of them, being fairly certain in being a hopeful one is to me fairly interesting. There have been in me feeling very nearly to being a completely miserable one in having another one fairly certain of having something coming from them, of being fairly completely a hopeful one. There are very hopeful ones having resisting being or engulfing resisting being in them, there are hopeful ones having attacking being. I will now soon be describing hopeful being in men and women having attacking being in them. I have been pretty miserable sometimes seeing them, hearing them, feeling them. I have been quite very miserable hearing, feeling and seeing some, some are having complete hopefulness of enthusiastic or excited or passionate attacking being. I have not had a miserable feeling from seeing or hearing or feeling attacking hopeful ones who are completely fighting ones or pushing ones or winning ones in living. I have not been miserable about them, not at all, I have not been miserable for them the excited or enthusiastic or passionate ones, not at all, I have been a miserable one because I have been always a little pretty nearly certain that I would be ending failing and every one enthusiastic or passionate or sensitive or excited in attacking would then make me a jealous one, a miserable one having a sad and sombre feeling, being certain that to be dead was to be really a dead one and that I pretty nearly certainly would be always being nearer and more nearly a completely dead one. I had very much such being in me and I was a sad resisting depressed jealous one then and now I am telling this thing.