The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (113 page)

     He was himself inside him, of course he was, all his living. Always he was not realising that not any really different thing could come out from him. You see one has to be very careful about being certain what is being in any one. A great many are certain about what is being in some one and although they may not be altogether wrong about that one they mostly always are not realising all the being coming out of each one. You have certainly to be very fond of waiting, very fond of realising each repeating, very fond of understanding each one is always really repeating, very fond of waiting to be hearing, seeing, feeling a great deal of repeating out of each one to be at all ready to be realising the complete being in each one, to be realising what will not be coming out of some one. Mostly each one is repeating but mostly each one is not realising their own thing as repeating in them. It is a queer thing to me who am really entirely loving repeating that mostly not any one is seeing feeling hearing themselves as doing repeating. Perhaps it would not be pleasant to most of them, indeed very many of them are quite certain they do not at all love repeating. So then a very great many never can come to be realising what can and what really cannot come out of them. As I am saying one must be very fond indeed of waiting, of hearing, seeing, feeling repeating to be really certain about any one what can and what can really not come out of them. Sometimes one can be fairly quickly certain about some one and sometimes it takes quite a considerable time to be really certain but always it is quite well to be waiting a considerable time to be really certain from realising the repeating coming out of some one, what can and what cannot come out of that one. As I am saying very many a very great many are always beginning having a completely new thing coming out of them to themselves inside them or waiting to have something coming so completely out of them that it is really in that quality of being a complete thing to be a new thing to be coming out of them, and this is very common. It is really extraordinary that all the repeating coming out of them all their living is not discouraging but then mostly not any one is really loving being repeating and so each one can never be really certain about what can and what really cannot come out of them. Each one has their own being in them, each one is of a kind in men and women. Alfred Hersland as I am saying had his own being in him, he was not to himself all his living repeating, that is not quite true of him, he was to himself a good deal repeating all his living, mostly every one are to themselves a good deal repeating all their living but not really completely repeating, not repeating so that they can sometime quite soon even be considerably certain what can and what cannot really come out of them. Some are quite certain, quite a number are quite certain, a very great number are never really inside them certain. And mostly not any of them are to themselves all their living always repeating, some are of course to themselves all their living repeating, but mostly not very many are to themselves loving repeating of themselves all their living. So then very many are living, very many are aspiring, very many are arranging, very many are telling the being to be coming out of them in their living that can never be coming out of them and I am not now telling about young ones or about those who are failing in living, I am telling now about a great many who are living. Being always repeating the whole being all of one's living is such a lovely thing to my feeling. Mostly every one is saying they do not love repeating. I am realising the being in very many men and women, I am realising what can and what cannot come out of them each one and always I am loving all repeating, repeating all the being in each one over and over again is such a lovely thing for me to be realising. And yet mostly every one is telling that they do not love repeating, they do not think it at all a lovely thing, they are not repeating their whole being always all the time in living, something will soon be coming out of them to show every one what more being there is in them. And here I am almost all alone in really completely loving repeating, loving it that each one all his living is repeating all his being. I am now completely realising all the being Alfred had in him, I will now tell how in repeating it all came out of him. And always too now I will be beginning describing Julia Dehning.
     Every one is always knowing the reason why they themselves are failing in succeeding. Each one is knowing certainly each time why he is not succeeding in living. Each one is always knowing why she is succeeding in failing. Mostly not any one has much of such a feeling about other ones why they are failing to be succeeding. Always each one is repeating in telling each time the reason for not then succeeding. Mostly as one gets used to hearing it from any one they get a little tired of that one. Each one then has their own steady complete reason for each time of not succeeding. Very many as I was saying are not learning about themselves in living. They are not learning about themselves from themselves in their living. The reason for not succeeding comes out each time freshly from them; to very many then that one is always going on repeating; that one then is always making a bright finding a discovering of the reason that one is not that time succeeding, that one is always fresh in discovering what is to every other one then an inevitable repeating not having really any meaning. It is a thing a great many are not doing, learning about themselves from themselves in their living. It is very satisfying to very many who are living who were living who will be living that there are reasons always then explaining each failing in succeeding. As I was saying Mr. Hersland's children told it to him later when they were a little tired of the impatient being always in him and when they were then not any longer at all afraid of his doing anything to scare them. He did not then really hear them, he was always fresh then as he always had been in discovering a reason for each failing of succeeding. Mostly of every one each one finds it of them that they are repeating discovering a reason for each failing. To themselves each one it is a specific thing each reason each time of failing to be succeeding, to mostly every other one sometime the reason each one is giving for each time of failing is repeating a completely feeble one. As I was saying there are quite a number always living, quite a majority in men and women who are not learning themselves in failing, from themselves in their living. I am now realising Alfred Hersland to himself inside him. Alfred Hersland in a way was not failing in his living in a way was not succeeding in his living. Alfred Hersland was not really learning anything from his being in his living but then really that was not an important matter in him, Alfred Hersland was not really a learning kind in living. He learned something that is certain, mostly he was aspiring in living, mostly he was not succeeding, mostly he was not failing in living. Repeating and repeating and repeating and beginning and ending and being a young one and then an older one and then an old one and then not any longer one one; I am sometimes inside and sometimes including this realising. The relation of content and reflection, the relation of being and living, the relation of learning and stupid being, this is in me in my feeling, certainly in me now and I will be now doing expecting.
     Alfred Hersland married Julia Dehning. They were not successful together in their married living, this is to be now a complete history of them and of every one connected with either of them.
     Very many have it in them that they are throwing always off from them the little too much they are always having of everything. Some are not having really too much of anything, of everything, some are forgetting whether they have been having too much or not enough of everything in getting another thing, some are responding with complete excitement to each thing, some have enough excitement in them to be responding to that thing and being in a state of having excitement in another thing, some have it that they are always aspiring to be completely full up with a thing. Alfred Hersland had one way of being in him, Julia Dehning had her way of being. Alfred Hersland had aspiring in him to be completely full up with something. Julia Dehning had very much excitement in being interested in each thing and continuing and being interested in some more thing. Julia Dehning had very much excitement in being an interested one. They both of them were not failing in a way in the whole of their living each one, they not either of them were really succeeding in their being either of them. This is now to be a history of each of them and of every one.
     Loving is a thing a great many are doing. Marrying is a thing a great many are doing. There are very many degrees of having loving in men and women. Loving is a thing each one is sometime doing in a way natural to them to be doing. Just at first I am thinking about six or seven who are doing loving. Alfred Hersland and Julia Dehning were doing loving and were marrying. I could give descriptions of lists of men and women who are sometime doing loving. I have just been explaining to one how one I am knowing just now is doing loving. I am feeling very much just now how two I am knowing are feeling in being loving. I am letting myself go into Alfred Hersland and Julia Dehning and the loving being they had in them when they came to be thinking of marrying. I will tell now a little about loving.
     It is a simple thing for very many men and women for some of their living, for very many men and women for a good part of their living, for a good many men and women for all their living to be believing, to be certain that each one is really a quite nice one, every one is a nice one. This is really very very common. In a way it is a natural way of feeling for after all for very many women and for very many men it is not a reasonable thing that any one they can come to be knowing could be not a nice one. It is such a very simple thing really to be certain that each one in a way is a nice one, perhaps one can be certain of a way of loving that one has that is not a nice way of having loving and yet really one can not be really believing it in the way of knowing that that one is not a nice one. Yes it is true the way of loving in that one is not a nice one but then that one is a nice one and any one having that way of loving is not a nice one and very many are then completely content in them that all this is a true thing, that that way of loving is one making that one not a nice one, that that one is a nice one, that that one has the way of loving that not any nice one can have in them and very many find it inside them completely satisfying to be completely certain of these three things being all true of some one they are knowing. This is quite simply common. I have been hearing some one saying this again and again and I have been explaining the kind of loving being the one had in her that made that one not a nice one and it all is completely satisfying. And it is quite an easy natural way of feeling in very many women in very many men this way of feeling about men and women. Some men and Some women have very much suspicion in them about mostly every one and these can have in them do have in them these simple ways of being certain of niceness and not niceness and not possibly niceness and quite niceness all in one. There are some who are really completely certain that each one is a nice one, sometimes such a one is really certain that some are really not at all nice ones and some then have confusion in them for they can never come to be really understanding how any one can come to be really not a nice one. Thinking every one really quite a nice one is really quite common. This is a very important thing in a way in having loving feeling and now I will be describing a little some loving feeling some I have been just knowing have in them. I will be describing just now some loving so as to be realising the relation of feeling each one, some one, a nice one to feeling loving for each one, for some one. This will bring me on then to describing Alfred Hersland Julia Dehning loving and marrying.
     There is one that is certainly a nice one. This one is certainly a very nice one. I am knowing this one. I have been explaining this one to some one who was and is and will be certain that this one is a nice one and is certain that this one has a way of loving that is not a way a nice one could have loving in them. This one then is really seriously a nice one. This one is certainly a nice one. This one has a way of loving that not any nice one could have in them. This one is certainly a very completely nice one.
     Mostly those who are complete ones in living have it in them that content is at least as full as thinking, realising, questioning, loving, dreaming, talking, aspiration, beginning, ending, quite completely as full in them and very many have it that this is not true of them and those these then are sentimental or virtuous or finicky or enthusiastic or aspiring and reflective or temperamental or eager or sudden or intelligent or a number of these things in living. This is very common as every one knows of very many women and men. Alfred Hersland was aspiring in living.
     The thing in one that may come and may not come to be loving feeling in that one is sometimes concentrated, sometimes very diffused in them, sometimes in lumps in them and sometimes in different ways in them. Sometime I will be describing pretty completely ways of loving, ways of liking oneself and other ones, ways of eating, ways of drinking, the liking some kinds of eating and not other kinds of eating, liking or not liking drinking, being wearied or not wearied with liking anything in all the kinds I can come to know of men and women. Always ways of eating, and things to eat different ones are liking are to me quite concentratedly exciting. Now then I am describing a little and pretty feebly in a good deal of confusion a little about ways of having loving feeling. As I was saying the one I am now describing had not had loving to come out of this one as really feeling wanting to be loving. This one as I was saying was a nice one. I know now a fair amount about feeling loving, quite a good deal now, of that some are now quite certain. I will tell now a little more about one. This one as I was saying was quite well known for being a very nice one, a very nice one in dressing, in getting ready every day for living, in being an engaged one who was not yet a married one. This one then was quite known by being a very nice one, a quite delicately nice one. This one as I was saying was seeing everything not nice ones were doing when she was walking or travelling. She was a little vacant in a way, this one. She had as I was saying being that was made up by adding little pellets together which were never mingling. Each little pellet had part of seeing everything not nice ones were doing. Being made up of little pellets made this one a delicately nice one, an engaged one who was not a married one. When this one made jokes about loving, about not being a nice one and this one did this quite often, it was done with that part of each pellet that was always seeing whenever this one was travelling or walking what not nice ones were doing. This one as I was saying was really quite certainty a recognised delicately nice one. This one was certainly convincingly a quite completely delicately nice one.