The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (118 page)

     Julia Dehning was all her life resisting any changing in attacking. She was always resisting not attacking and so she was an obstinate one not hearing what any one was saying. She was always listening to every one who had a way of doing anything, and had nervousness in doing it then, she was always all the time then resisting being any kind of an attacking one that she had not always been in all her living, she was harshly doing everything that she knew about from hearing any one who was doing anything and she was all her life resisting any changing in her attacking. She was then the daughter of Mrs. Dehning and Mr. Dehning as I am saying.
     I know so well the kinds there are in men and women. I know so well the kinds that are connected and the way they are connected with other kinds in men and women. Julia Dehning was one having attacking being and she was completely a stubborn one to not hearing anything that was something to be a changing in any way anything in her attacking. As I was saying Mrs. Dehning had sense for living. As I was saying Mr. Dehning had sense for living. Julia Dehning was not one really failing in living, Julia Dehning was one not having really sense for living. Julia was one having really to every one courage for living, Julia Dehning was of the independent dependent kind in men and women, she was of that kind of them and having power over those who were already loving with her, who were already overwhelmed by attacking being in her, she was one who was in a way certain that always some one would be there to hold her when the last end of failing came so that it would not touch her, to herself and to every one she was one not having any such dependence in her, she was one always fighting whether to winning or to losing, always courageous to be fighting, and in a way this was true of her and always there was there in her that some one would be there holding her when the last end of fighting was in her, though to herself and to every other one this was not in her as a thing she was needing for living, really though she could be not knowing she was not fighting by the strength of herself in her when the last end of fighting was in her and to herself then she was keeping going on fighting by courage in her in every one near her; really as I am saying of her she had not sense really for living in her, really she had not really feeling in her whether she was fighting for winning or for losing, realty she had not faith in her that she was fighting for winning, really she did not have any feeling that was independent dependent one in living, really she had not really sense in her for living, really it was a very difficult thing to know this in her, to know she was not having any one do what she needed of them, that she was not ever doing anything any one needed that she should be doing, for really she was not failing in living, really she had much support and loving in living, really she was some a loving one in living, really she was all her living fighting and winning a good deal in fighting, always she was learning everything, always she was really living to herself and to every one. And yet she was completely not hearing, feeling, seeing anything that was in any way changing any attacking being she had all her living in her. She married Alfred Hersland whom I have been already a good deal describing, this is to be a history of the living and the being in her and of the slow learning her that was in very many knowing her. I will be telling now of how a good many different ones felt about her.
     She was to mostly every one a completely honest one. She was to mostly every one an earnest, an excited and an ambitious one, she was to mostly every one one fighting to be successfully a winning one by steady fighting all her living, by courage in resisting being worn out by any one else's attacking, she was to every one one being one leading in all fighting she was doing all her living, she was one having complete conviction that thinking and working and being an interested one in everything was something giving meaning to her being in all of her living. This is to be now some description of the way some were realising being in Julia Dehning.
     Many women like their children, some like children being as babies, some like children being young ones, some like children being older ones, some like their children being young men and young women, some like their children being young men, some like their children being young women. Julia Dehning liked her children as little babies which was surprising to very many who knew Julia Dehning quite well in her living, knew quite well her being. She liked children all their living, she used all energy to learn everything, she liked them completely as being little babies and this in a way was surprising, not really surprising perhaps but all the same somewhat surprising. Some women then are of the attacking kind in living, some are of the resisting kind in living. Julia Dehning was of the attacking kind in living. I have said sometime that it is the resisting kind that need to own those they need for loving. Now many of the attacking kind of them need to own those they need for loving but they need to own them by attacking them to hold them, attacking them to seize them and they can be doing this completely with a little baby being with them. Some resisting ones are completely loving children when they are little babies because then they are completely owning them by possession, by the baby being of them to them some of them. Some of the attacking kind of them being of the dependent kind of them like the little babies as then they are together dependent ones being together completely a dependent being. Julia Dehning was of the independent dependent kind in men and women. Sometime much later I will tell something of women and children with them. Now I will only tell about Julia Dehning loving and marrying and what some knowing her thought of her as she was then being.
     It is a very difficult thing to really let one's self be certain that they are not sorry when every one is thinking they should be sorry, that they are not glad when every one is thinking that they are going to be a glad one, that they are not liking to be doing something for some one they are loving when that one is thinking they are glad to do that thing, that they are not pleased to see some one when it is a natural thing for them in their living to be glad to see such a one, that they are not moved by some one being suffering when they being reasonably tender-hearted should be moved then, that they are not remembering their own little needs when it is not a decent time for them to be mentioning them. It is a very difficult thing, some from superstition, fearing something bad will happen if they let themselves know that they are what not any one not having bad things going to be happening to them would be in feeling, some from natural conviction that they are feeling always what is right for them to be feeling, some from the sentimental feeling that it is such a nice feeling feeling the right way in living, some from not being really certain that to be a dead one is to be really entirely a dead one, some from being quite certain that to be a dead one is to be not at all a dead one, some from having a fear in them that then something will happen badly to some one, some from generous loving, some from enthusiasm, some from being really that kind of a one one having some such feeling, it is a very difficult thing to very many in living to let themselves be saying feeling thinking what they are thinking feeling saying when something happens to them happens to some one. I am saying this long thing because I am feeling that this is a necessary thing to be realising in learning knowing any one and yet it does very much happen that one is having very really much more feeling the way any one naturally is supposing they are having about anything about everything than they themselves are thinking they are having. I have been learning in my living all the being in many men and many women, in Julia Dehning. I am always wanting to be realising the whole being in each one of them, by feeling, by thinking, by knowing by talking, by remembering. I am going to be telling very soon now what very many felt in knowing Julia Dehning, what Julia Dehning felt in living, what being what kind of being Julia Dehning was inside her.
     As I was saying she was of the attacking, the independent dependent kind in men and women. As I was saying she was all through her living resisting having any changing in her being one doing one way of attacking. As I am saying she had in a way not really a lack of successful living, really though she had not really sense for living. That is what any one now certainly can be realising.
     Each one is certainly like some one, having something in them of the father and the mother of them. Mrs. Dehning was a stupid one in being one attacking harshly and not for any winning, and not for any winning of anything, not for winning excitement or sensation or feeling or power or religion or good or bad anything or anything. Julia had stupid being in being completely one completely resisting any changing in her attacking. Mrs. Dehning was a nervous one as I have been explaining. Julia was a nervous one as I have been saying. Mrs. Dehning had really sense for living. Julia had not really sense for living. Julia then was a young woman. This is now to be a description of Julia Dehning, of what others were feeling in Julia Dehning.
     Some are knowing in living by their feeling that they are liking something. Some are not knowing by their feeling what thing they are liking. Some have so very much feeling that the feeling covers anything to liking, some have so much excitement in living that that thing covers everything. Some can need everything for anything can be food to them. Very many, quite a number are living and not telling by their feeling what they are liking. A good many are living and are telling by their feeling what they are liking. As I was saying Julia Dehning came to the marrying of Alfred Hersland. This is the way they came to be loving, the way I have told once, the way I am now telling.
     Some liked very much the being and the living in Julia Dehning, some did not like at all the being and the living in Julia Dehning; to some it was, the living and the being in Julia Dehning, not a pleasant not an unpleasant thing. Julia Dehning was not a harsh one in attacking without winning as her mother was in her feeling. Julia was a stupid one in resisting any changing in her being as attacking. Julia was a crude one then and in such a way a stupid one but not really a harsh one. She was one to herself and to every one having complete courage for living. Really as I was saying she had not really sense for living and so really then she had not really courage for living, she had completely courage for resisting any changing in her being in her way attacking, not really complete courage for this thing, she was of the independent dependent kind of them.
     I am feeling attacking kinds a little harshly just now in me, I am now beginning again to have in me complete feeling of attacking being in men and women.
     Attacking kind are often very sweet ones to very many, poignantly sweet ones and generous ones in living. Attacking kind often have it in them to be as bad, as harsh, as crude as they feel in them to any one because they know in living they are generous ones needing to be attacking some one to have them love them. I know this as certain. This gives to them the right to be harsh or crude or eager as they have it in them that they have it in them for living that they are generous in emotion, as they certainly are, in poignant feeling, the need of attacking to win what they are needing for living. Those having resisting being have it in them very often to be afraid if they are too completely resisting not any one will attack them enough to win them and they are uneasy then in them. This is certainly not true of all attacking and all resisting, these things I have been saying of attacking kind in men and women of resisting kind in men and women, it is true of quite a number of them. So then many of the attacking kind in men and women feel it in them as a completely natural thing to be as harsh as crude as active as eager in attacking as they feel it to have it in them. Many of the resisting kind in men and women have it to be very dubious about the doing all the resisting they have in them to be doing. Many have attacking being have sweetness and courage in attacking, and harshness and crudeness and eagerness in attacking. I am now thinking about men and women having it in them to be certain they are right in living.
     As I am saying some knowing Julia Dehning like completely the being and the living she had all her living, some did not like it at all, some liked it well enough as I was saying. Some liked it and then liked it well enough and then did not like it. Some liked it very much and then liked it well enough. Some as I was saying did not like it.
     To mostly every one Julia had complete courage for living. Slowly some came to understanding that really she had not sense for living, that she had almost complete courage for not changing any kind of attacking being she had in living. She had real courage in her, that is certain. She had sweetness in her that is certain. She had stupid being in her that is certain.
     I will tell now more about attacking being, about enthusiasm, about being certain in living, about what other ones are feeling, thinking, saying.
     I know Julia Dehning. Certainly I know Julia Dehning. Yes of course I know Julia Dehning. Have I not certainly come to know Julia Dehning. I certainly have come to know Julia Dehning, I know Julia Dehning, I have known Julia Dehning, I am thinking I will know Julia Dehning. How do I know Julia Dehning, I know Julia Dehning as one at the end of her beginning living, at the beginning of her middle living, at the middle of her middle living. I know Julia Dehning as one having in her living marrying Alfred Hersland. I know Julia Dehning in the Dehning family living, I know Julia Dehning some as Mrs. Dehning, some as Mr. Dehning, some as George Dehning, some as Hortense Dehning, as each one of them, as each one of them then knew her in their living, in her living. I certainly do know Julia Dehning. How do I know Julia Dehning '? I know Julia Dehning as a kind of a one, as one of a kind in men and women. I know Julia Dehning having her being in her in her living. I know Julia Dehning being certain that she was a really living one. I know Julia Dehning being certain in being living. Yes I do know Julia Dehning. I certainly can say I do know Julia Dehning. Julia Dehning was one having being in her all her living and being quite an important one in living. Julia Dehning came to marry Alfred Hersland, that is certain. Julia Dehning was one always being one having completely courage for living in being one having completely living being in resisting being one having changing from sensitiveness in ways of attacking, in having changing from hearing, seeing, feeling anything in the attacking being in her.