The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (119 page)

     I am remembering, really I never do forget one having being in her, attacking being in her and always to every one this one was one not having attacking in her but resisting being in her because this one had this being in her as being so like, soft not set jelly in her that this one was one by her skin cutting her off from any other one and this one had attacking being that never did more than just wobble in her and any one moving at her was sticking in this being in her and so she was to every one a resisting one but really this one was of the attacking kind in men and women. Now I was telling how Martha Hersland had attacking being that was in her indeterminate nervous excitement inside her. Now I am telling of Julia Dehning that she was one having complete resisting to any changing in her attacking, as stubbornness then to mostly every one realising this in her in her living, and was one not having really sense for living, one having really courage always in living, being one that needed everything for anything can feed her and now I certainly understand the relation in being between her and these two I have been just rehearsing as being and I am certainly certain I am certainly knowing being in Julia Dehning.
     I wish every one was feeling being the way I am telling it now in my writing and that not any one could understand it without hearing me tell it as I am now doing. I could like that very well I think now when I am not remembering listening, when I am not remembering loving everything, loving being and repeating in even one. I think it would be so very nice if every one knew how completely it is a necessary thing to realise being the way I am realising being, and then I am explaining this thing, and then I am being one really explaining everything. I really do like being in every one and so I am very happy even with not every one really realising the important thing that I can explain being in every one, with hardly any one realising this thing. I am telling now the history of the living in Julia Dehning, a description of the being in Julia Dehning, and what I know of her being, what many know of being in her in her living.
     I am thinking about how any one feels anything, learns anything. I am thinking about Julia Dehning. I am thinking about dependent and independent being, dependent independent, independent dependent being.
     I am thinking about attacking being. I am thinking about how the attacking kind in men and women react to anything, I am thinking about the way they have sensitiveness in them. I am thinking about how I am going to be telling about the being in them, the attacking kind in men and women.
     I have been describing some of the attacking kind in men and women. I must now I am thinking tell about being in some more of them.
     I am knowing very well, I am knowing very many men and women having attacking being in them, independent dependent being. I am feeling some of them. I am realising many of them. Now I have it as something I am doing, describing being in the independent dependent kind, the attacking kind in men and women.
     Sensitiveness to anything, to something in any kind or the attacking kind in men and women, the independent dependent kind in men and women is something I am now beginning describing. I know certainly in daily living sensitiveness in the attacking kind in men and women in independent dependent kind in men and women. I can certainly know what I am meaning by sensitiveness in them, I am now beginning giving what is in me as realising sensitiveness in being and independent dependent kind in men and women.
     Sensitiveness is in men and women of the independent dependent kind in men and women, in those having it that they can have it in them that reaction is complete and poignant and quick in them so that they can have emotion as poignant in them as a sensation. This is in a way the foundation of my explanation. I am beginning again telling everything.
     How has any one sensitiveness in living? They have it in them as their way of being. Now let me see, I who am realising now sensitive being in the attacking kind of them, let me see if I can say this thing now in the time I am living. Each one I have been knowing having attacking being, having their kind of sensitiveness in them is remaining in my feeling, they are crowding now in my feeling, they all have it in them to have sensitive being of the attacking kind of being of the independent dependent kind of being in them. They have then sensitive being some of them of independent kind of independent dependent being, they have sensitive being in them some of them of dependent kind of the independent dependent kind of being. Some have sensitiveness in them that makes of them that they are to themselves and to every one possessed by each one ever coming near to them. Some have with this kind of sensitiveness in them emotion, some passion, some practical desiring, some fear, some depression, some exaltation, these then are such having it in them that they are completely and always responding to any one coming near to them in the way of sensitiveness of complete reaction of realisation of the being of some one being near them. Some as I am saying have this with passion, some with emotion, some with intention, some with desperation, some with much lying, some with conviction, some with religion, many with feeling of knowing everything coming to be happening, some have it thickly in them, some thinly in them, some with much independent attacking, some with almost not any attacking, some with gladness in them, some with the desire of being an important one in living. These then have it in them that sensitiveness is complete and always in them to everything coming near them, it may be thick or thin, or stupid or dull or timid or aggressive in them, or fairly intelligent in them. These are then many of them very full of wanting always having new things in religion. These are very often having it in them to be very interesting to quite a number knowing them, Some are very sweet with this thing, some are very gentle with this thing, some are wanting to make money, or position or win something for some one with this thing. Mostly these then are not really succeeding in living. Some have with this thing sense for living in them, mostly they have not in them most of such of them very much sense for living in them. These then are not those having sensitiveness in them to mystic religion as being really in them. Those wanting to have mystic religion in them those of the attacking kind of them are those having it in them to be attacking complete emotion to be in that thing. Such have it in them to have complete sensitiveness in them to something they are realising as a complete thing to be attacking by a complete effort of being in that thing by the attacking by them of that thing. Such as these have it in them mostly not to have poignant passion in them but complete attacking in them and very many of them have not attacking in them only for religion, they have it for pure reason, for pure affection, for much succeeding in living, and mostly these then too very many of them though being very successful indeed in living have not really in them much sense for living. I know a whole lot of these in living. I hope I will be seeing that I am rightly realising the being in them and that it is as I have been describing and as I will be going on sometime describing.
     Now there are some having attacking being in them having sensitiveness in them as passion in them and these can have it in them to be successful, to be failing in living, to be wise or foolish in living, to have sense for living, to have not too much sense for living, to have much, to have little sensitiveness in them, to have it thinly, thickly, intermittently in them, to be using it in every way in living, to have it very delicately in them, to have it fairly coarsely in them, but mostly these having it in them although they may be succeeding although they may be failing, are not really without some sense for living in them. They can be anything, some practical, some religious, some earnest, some careless, some ambitious, some critical, some very weak in living, some very intermittent in doing anything, all having passion in them as sensitive being.
     Then there are some having attacking being as sensitive being as emotion in them, these can be quite melancholy often in living, these can be quite aggressive in living and to every one can be content and energetic in living, and self-satisfying and these can have it in them that they have trouble in having it as being that sensitiveness is in them as emotion, they can have it that they have not in them any power of resisting when they have it not in them to be practical in living. I know now some of such of them. I will certainly sometime tell more of such of them. Two of such of them are just now in my feeling every minute in my living.
     Then there are some having attacking being that have sensitiveness in them as being really excitement inside but mostly these then do not have it in them to have sensitiveness really in them. Perhaps they have spots of sensitiveness in them, times for sensitiveness in them.
     Now I will begin telling a little about how some come to learn or not learn in living. Always I am telling of the attacking kind in men and women. Always now I will be keeping on telling of the attacking kind in men and women until I have given a good description a really good description of Julia Dehning and what every one who knew Julia in living thought about the being she had in her all her living.
     Surely every one has a way of learning something. This is now to be very little description of how some connected in being with Julia Dehning learn what they do learn in living, this then is connected with sensitiveness in them as is of course a natural thing as any one ever thinking about learning can certainly be understanding.
     I am now understanding all the ways the attacking kind in men and women have sensitiveness in them. I am feeling some having attacking being in them having sensitiveness in them and I am not understanding what way sensitiveness is in them.
     I have been seeing some, I have been knowing some some, I have been hearing about some having attacking being in them and I am not realising of them the way sensitiveness is in them. I have not been loving any of this kind in men and women, I would like to be loving some one some, of this kind in men and women, I would like to be knowing certainly the way sensitiveness is in them in this kind of the attacking kind in women and men. I am feeling some one of this kind in men and women. I know some thing of the character in them, something of the way they do some things in living, but they are a kind of them that are really different from these kinds I have been describing. I will not now be telling my troubles to every one. It is enough that I have been saying that I am not understanding all the ways sensitiveness is in the attacking kind in men and women.
     I am realising some sensitiveness in some who have attacking being in them. Soon I will tell complete histories of each one having sensitive being in them. That will certainly be helping to make a long book interesting. I could tell it very completely now of some. I will not just now be beginning this thing. I am certainly now writing a history of being in Julia Dehning being living.
     As I was saying some having attacking being in them, having independent dependent being in them have it in them to have sensitiveness in them as passion in them. I was telling about one having attacking being and having it as wobbling, having it as being in this one as a soft jelly mass making of this one an individual one by the skin of this one separating this one from any other one. I have been telling about attacking being in Martha Hersland, in Mr. David Hersland in Redfern. I have been telling something of attacking being in some others because I was telling then about such other ones. I am remembering pretty completely everything I have been telling. I am always thinking I am not remembering what I am going to be telling what I have been telling but really I am remembering pretty well what I have been telling, what I am telling, what I am going to be telling. Now I am telling about some ways of having sensitiveness and learning in some having attacking being, independent dependent being in them.
     Julia Dehning as I have been saying was always resisting changing the attacking way she had had, was having, would be having all her living. As I was saying she had not really then sense for living. As I was saying she was not really an unsuccessful one in living. As I was saying Mrs. Dehning was stupid in attacking when she was attacking and not for any winning. This was in her always in her daily living. As I was saying Mrs. Dehning had some sense for living. As I was saying she was an important enough one in daily living.
     There are very many who are wanting to be learning in their living. Some as I have been saying of Julia Dehning are wanting anything because they are feeling that anything can feed them. Some something like Julia Dehning can feel having teaching, some something like Julia Dehning can feel a little the thing some one has been teaching them, some something like Julia Dehning can be feeling giving teaching, some something like Julia Dehning are every minute feeling teaching to them feeling teaching from them, either feeling teaching being given to them or being given by them, always then feeling teaching, always then feeling teaching being given, this is very common with many having in them not really any sensitiveness to the teaching itself that has been given, that they are giving. To begin again. There are many having sensitiveness in them to some one teaching, to there being one teaching some one, to their teaching some one and have in them the very least possible sensitiveness to the teaching that is being taught then. This is very common. Some have not any in them sensitiveness to the thing taught by any one and these have it in them to have really sensitiveness to there being teaching done to them, by them, to some one, by some one. Now this is certainly quite common and this is bringing this writing always nearer to Julia Dehning. As I was saying Julia needed anything because in her feeling in her being everything could be feeding her in living. Now as I was saying Julia had being that was one resisting, being stupid in resisting anything that could be touching her in relation to her always being in her way persisting in attacking. Really then Julia had not in her any way of learning anything. Really she had it in her that she was being an excited one in seizing everything, seizing anything to learn that thing and always then she had it in her being that she was a stupid one in not being able to not be a resisting one in a stubborn way to anything teaching her in any way to be an attacking one. This then is being in her and as any one can see it would make of her one not having really sense for living, one having not necessarily failing in living, one being one interesting to some, one being one certainly in a way having courage in living. As I was saying she was of the attacking, of the independent dependent kind in women and men. She had dependent being in her of the independent dependent kind of being but this really was in her only when rarely it did happen to her some one did tell her she had not really any way of learning in her. Then she had it in her as the dependent independent dependent attacking kind in women and men have it in them, she had it in her to be certain that not the last end of a bad thing could happen to her and then surely some one did have it to be certain that she certainly could learn something and so then she had it in her this not as a religion but she had in her then the certain feeling of right conviction. And see then every one reading this thing that this one Julia Dehning had conviction in her that she was one to be an attacking one resisting any one changing any attacking in her being and she was one seizing being one learning and always then really she could not be learning anything. It is a clear thing then that she had not in her anything of religion. It is certainly a clear thing this thing that she did not have in her with dependent independent dependent being in her anything in her of religion, she could and did and would have and mostly must have conviction, she must be having the sensation of certain feeling to be going on attacking, having courage really in all of her living. She was completely then a stupid one in being a resisting one resisting any changing in her being in a way an attacking one having courage in living. She had then certainly not sense for living. She was then certainly in living not one failing in living. She was one seizing being one learning anything, learning everything, she was one feeling being one needing anything, needing everything because not anything was teaching anything in her being. She was one seizing anything that was teaching because she was one having it in her feeling that everything was feeding her in living. She had courage in living, she had not sense for living, she had dependent being in her being of the independent dependent kind as I have been saying, she was not really failing not really succeeding in living. She was one quite interesting to some, quite unpleasant to some, quite irritating to some, quite stimulating to some, quite stupid to some, quite unusually bright to some, quite loving and pathetic to some, quite cold and self-seeking to some, entirely generous and courageous to some, quite failing in really attacking to some, quite entirely honest to some, quite failing in being honest in knowing that sometimes she was lying to some, quite earnest and sensitive to teaching to some, quite impenetrable to anything to some, quite really nice to quite a number knowing her in living, quite open-minded to some, quite completely obstinate to some, quite nervous and fairly excited to every one. This is to be now a history of living in her, of being in her, of what each one knowing her felt in her, what those living with her felt about her, how one can know her, how one can come to know any one, of being in every one.