The Making of Matt (21 page)

“So…it’s going well between you?” she asked with a smile faker than Pamela Anderson’s tits.

“We’ve had some hurdles, but yeah. It’s perfect.
He’s
perfect.”

“Hurdles? Already?” She sounded a little too relieved for my liking.

“Alex is HIV positive. He-” Before I could finish, Ashley ripped her hand away again. She had the same look on her face that she had when I snuck a spider into her lunchbox in third grade. “You can’t catch it through holding my hand.” I couldn’t prevent the sardonic tone to my voice.

“So
you
…” she choked out.

“No. But if I did you wouldn’t need to look so damn terrified.” I took a moment to compose myself, deciding I was being unfair. I knew from experience that it was a scary word to hear and I shouldn’t blame her for not knowing the facts. “I’m sorry,” I relented. “I didn’t mean to snap.”

“I should go,” she said, looking at her watch. “Adam will be wondering where I am.”

She stood from her chair and so did I. “Ashley,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. I tried to ignore the slight flinch of her body. “We’re gonna be okay, right?”

Sighing, she looked at my hand on her shoulder and then at my face. “Sure,” she said, only mildly convincing. “You’re my cousin and I love you. I just need a little time to get my head around it.”

“So, I’ll still get to see this little dude?” I asked, feeling a flutter of nerves as I rubbed her belly.

“This little dude could well be a dudette.” She bypassed my question and I hoped it wasn’t intentional.

“Be sure to call me as soon as you find out.”

“I’m starting to think he or she will never make an appearance,” she complained, arching her back and wincing in discomfort.

“You should play some Souls’ albums to him.”

“Or
her
.”

“This chick at one of our gigs in Vegas a few years ago went into labor after the first track. Gave birth back stage. She named it Sawyer.” That pissed me off. It was clearly the beat of my drums that set her off. Fucking Sawyer got the credit for everything.

“I don’t think that quite matches Adam’s taste in music.” Ashley laughed so I forced a lopsided smile, failing to see the amusement.

So what, you only listen to what Adam tells you to now?

She appeared genuinely oblivious to how unhealthy that sentence was. How the hell could she allow someone to have that kind of control over her? Maybe I was reading too much into an innocent comment, but having met Adam, I doubted it.

Ashley gave me a hug which, on my part at least, felt forced and awkward, like she couldn’t bear to hold me too close in case I accidentally infected her with gayitis.

“I’ll call you when…
oh
…” She broke off. “Whoa.
”

“What is it?” I urged, panic trickling down my spine. “Is it the baby?”

“I’ve been getting these weird twinges all day,” she explained, massaging her stomach and blowing out a poof of air.

“Do you need me to call the hospital? Adam? An ambulance?”

“Calm down, Matty,” she said, seemingly amused that I was freaking the fuck out. “It’s settled now. Fingers crossed it’s a sign that I won’t be pregnant for much longer.” She anchored the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “Call you soon.”

“You better,” I said, saluting her as she walked away. There wasn’t a great deal of truth to my words. Feeling deflated and maybe a little hurt as I hid behind my sunglasses, I was in no rush to repeat the last hour of my life.

I’d entered the restaurant earlier feeling like the tallest, luckiest man on earth and I walked out two hours later with my shoulders slumped and my head down.

Heading to my car, I didn’t notice the small group of girls, no older than fifteen, following me until one patted my shoulder. “Hi,” she sang, her voice timid. “I’m Leanne and these are my friends. Can we have a picture with you?” she asked, holding her breath, her expression eager as she awaited my answer.

“Not today, kid,” I said, continuing to walk on. The patter of footsteps ceased and I turned back, feeling guilty for dismissing a fan.

The girl introduced as Leanne and one of her friends stood few steps away. “Told you it was true!” the other girl said. “He doesn’t want a photo with you because he’s a fuckin’ faggot!”

How the hell does she know?
I thought, deciding she must’ve been in the restaurant eavesdropping while I talked to Ashley.

Snapping my head back, I looked the mouthy bitch up and down. “You even old enough to be talkin’ like that?”

Hands on her hips, she swished her ponytail. “I talk how the fuck I want.”

Expelling a humorless laugh, I went to turn around but stopped when I saw the girl who first approached me looking to the floor, her cheeks burning.

“You still want that photo, Leanne?” I asked, silently praying I’d remembered her name correctly.

“No she fuckin’ doesn’t,” Mouthy Bitch yelled. I felt sorry for the kid, Leanne, for not having the courage to stand up to her stupid ‘friend’.

Ignoring Miss Delightful, I stepped up to Leanne. “Gimme your phone.”

Mouthy Bitch continued to yap in the distance but my ears tuned out of her frequency. With shaking hands, Leanne passed me her cell, never taking her eyes off my face.

Bending to her level, I pressed my cheek against hers while I pulled up the camera. “Say cheeeeese,” I said, holding the phone out in front of us.

“T-thanks,” she stammered, gazing up at me like I really meant something to her. It frustrated me. I’d done nothing to deserve her admiration. She adored me, I saw it in her eyes, and yet once I got in my car I’d probably never think of her again. She should save those emotions for
real
people. People she
knew
. People who would feel them back.

“Hope you’re gonna delete that, Leanne.”

I just hoped she knew better people than the one she was currently hanging out with.

“Later,” she whispered, nodding weakly to her bitch friend. It seemed to appease her and she strutted away.

“Hey,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. Her anxious gaze flipped between me and her asshole friend. “Don’t ever value
anyone
more than you value yourself. You matter. Remember that.”

“
Leanne!
”

“S-sorry. I gotta go.”

Offering a saddened smile, I clapped her shoulder and she scurried away, turning back just briefly to mutter a silent
thank you.

Sliding into my car, my head collapsed onto the wheel. I felt like shit. The bubble I’d been cocooned in with Alex had well and truly burst.

**********

It was evening by the time Alex returned from the club. I stopped by after my lunch with Ashley but ended up driving away without getting out.

He found me outside, perched at the pool bar. “What’re you doing?” he asked, surprising me by snaking his arms around my waist.

“I
was
building a tower,” I grumbled as the ice cubes collapsed in front of me.

“Hey,” he said, his tone concerned as he palmed my cheek and turned my head to face him. “You okay?”

Blowing air through my nose, I frowned. “Sure. Think I just expected too much.”

“Is this about Ashley or today’s paper?”

“What’s the paper got to do with anything?”

“Oh,” he mumbled, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. “I came straight here, but Sawyer said he was going to call you.”

I pulled my phone from my pocket and noticed four missed calls. “It’s on silent. What’s going on?”

Anxiety danced on Alex’s face, knitting his eyebrows together as he tapped and swiped on his phone. “Please don’t freak out,” he begged, hesitating before handing it to me.

He’d brought up some online celebrity magazine and staring me in the face, under the headline
Another Soul of the Knight Comes Out as Gay
, was a photo of Alex and me in the ocean.
That explains Mouthy Bitch shooting her mouth off earlier
, I thought, remembering the girls outside the restaurant
.
I scrolled down a little and found a whole freakin’ gallery of photos taken last night. Pictures of us kissing, hugging, laughing…

Shrugging, I passed the phone back to Alex.

“You don’t seem as upset as I thought you would,” Alex said, his eyes assessing my reaction.

“That’s ‘cause I’m not.”

“It’s not just that site,” he added, almost as if he was trying to provoke some kind of emotion out of me. “They’re everywhere.”

“I stopped reading those things years ago. They’re always exposing some shit or another about me. Most of it true.” I winked, a weak attempt to lighten the mood.

“So…you don’t care?”

“They’re strangers.” I shrugged. “Why would I give a rat’s ass what they think?”

“Right,” Alex said, followed by a heavy sigh. That’s when I realized what the real issue was. I was used to living in the public eye, existing in a world where people thought buying our music meant they got a free backstage pass to our private lives. But that was
my
life, not Alex’s.

“I’m sorry,” I said, standing up to his level. “I didn’t think. It’s upset
you
, hasn’t it?”

“I don’t want it to. I know this is part of your world and I wish I could ignore it. I just…” His voice cracked and he shook his head. “I just hope my parents don’t see it. They won’t take it well.”

Alex never talked about his family and I’d never thought to ask. There was still so much I didn’t know about him and that made me feel bad for only a second, because then I realized how far we still had to travel together, and I couldn’t wait.

Alex had always been open about his sexuality so his reaction puzzled me. “They know you’re gay, right?”

“Oh, yeah. They weren’t overly thrilled about it but they accepted it. They struggled more with the HIV. It was like telling them I only had days to live. I’ll never forget the look on my mom’s face. Now, we just don’t mention it. We talk around it. But they’re the keeping up with the Jones’ type. If they saw the photos, they’d think I was trying to embarrass them in front of their friends.”

I didn’t like them already. “I’m sorry. I should’ve listened when you suggested having our date here.”

“Matt, no,” Alex said, draping his arms over my shoulders. “This isn’t your fault. Last night was perfect. Whatever the consequences, I’d never change that night with you.”

I sighed, settling my hands on his hips. “You’ve said a few times that we can stop this at any time if I can’t deal with it, with being with a man, the HIV…” I sucked in a breath. “Maybe if I was a better man I’d say the same to you. But I’m not strong enough. I’m too selfish to let you go even though I hate that you’re getting dragged into all the crap that comes with me being famous. I can’t offer you a get out card, Alex. I need you.”

“And you’ve got me,” he whispered, his nose touching mine. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Gripping my hair, Alex pulled my mouth to his. The foul mood I’d been fermenting in dissolved in his kiss as I held his body close to mine, squeezing him as if I wouldn’t survive if I let him go.

“Take a bath with me,” Alex said against my lips. “And tell me how it went with Ashley.”

Breathing heavily, my dick throbbing in my pants, I nodded.

**********

“Don’t be too hard on her. Not everyone finds it so easy to accept. Doesn’t mean they never will,” Alex reasoned as I ran a towel up and down my legs.

After hanging up my towel I walked, naked, through to the bedroom. Alex followed. “It was the look on her face,” I countered. “So…disgusted. At first I felt angry, but now? Well now I just feel like shit.”

Alex jumped on the bed, sitting upright against the headboard as he patted the spot next to him. I crawled up beside him, resting my head on his chest.

“I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants you to feel. Everyone takes the news differently, especially when there’s religion involved.”

“She didn’t step foot in a damn church when we were growing up. Even helped me paint
Jesus sucks dick
on the side of one when we were thirteen. She’s changed.”

“People do. It doesn’t make her a bad person.
Bad
would be if she told you she wanted nothing more to do with you. She’s trying, Matt.”

“Maybe. Doesn’t matter. I feel better now anyway.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m with you.”

Alex slipped down the mattress, forcing me off his chest as he lay down. His curls had continued to grow and I twisted one around my finger.

“I love you,” he breathed, taking my hand and grazing my knuckles with his lips.

“You better. I watched porn for you.”

“You did
what
?” he quizzed with a lopsided grin.