The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (104 page)

“Ssh!” hisses the other, looking over his shoulder. “It’s not till next week.”

They meet in the street again six months later. “Well, Abraham, how’s your new warehouse business going?”

“Oi vey, it’s not going so good, we had a food last week.”

“So,” whispers his friend, “how do you start a food?”

What is the definition of a Jewish dilemma? Free ham.

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town. The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”

The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.”

Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”

“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.”

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”

The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said ‘Jesus Christ’?”

The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

Because Jewish women can’t resist anything with 10 per cent off.

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler?

The rottweiler will eventually let go.

How do you say “fuck you” to a Jew?

“Trust me!”

What’s a Jew’s defnition of embarrassment?

Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert and have been wandering for days.

The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have some wine.”

The German says, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty. I must have a beer.”

The Jew says, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Why do Jews have double-glazing?

So their kids can’t hear the ice-cream van.

An old Jewish guy has been hoping for years to win the lottery. One week, he goes to the synagogue and he prays: “Oh lord of Heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with the money if I won the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Please Lord, help me win the lottery and I will use the money selfessly!”

The next week, he returns to the synagogue again and says, “Oh, lord of Heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last week! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with the money from the lottery! Please Lord, help me win the lottery!”

The following week, he goes to synagogue and prays again in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: “Help me, help me!”

The old Jew replies, “Lord of Heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?”

“Buy a ticket, motherfucker.”

How do you know if a family of Jews are living next door? There’s wet toilet paper on their clothes line.

A Jewish guy is run over by a car. The paramedic arrives and says, “Are you comfortable?”