The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (106 page)

I was in the middle of an asthma attack the other day when I got an obscene phone call. Half way through the call, the guy at the other end paused and said, “Er . . . just remind me. Did I call you, or did you call me?”

A man is sitting in a pub one evening on his own when he catches the eye of a beautiful woman at the far end of the bar. Eventually he musters the courage to go over and speak to her. “Hi, what brings a gorgeous lady like you here?” he asks

“I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, so I’m just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom.”

“Believe it or not, I’m here for the same reason. My girlfriend has just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!”

They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening. As she is about to leave, she asks if he’d like to come back to hers; he accepts. When they get back to her place, she motions to the sofa and says, “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable.” She goes into the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp mask and a leather dominatrix outft.

When she returns she sees the man heading towards the door. “Where are you going to?” she asks.

“Well,” says the man, “I’ve fucked your dog and had a shit in your handbag – thanks, I’m off.”

My wife’s back on the bottle. Apparently fisting just isn’t the same.

My friend was placed on the sex-offenders’ list for simulating sex with a bicycle. He was bike curious.

Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife is dead.

Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were having a coffee and chatting about the state of their rather stale relationships. They decide to surprise their men that night, by wearing bondage-style leather bodices, stilettos and masks. A week later they meet again to compare notes.

The engaged girlfriend says, “The other night when my boyfriend came back home he found me with the leather bodice, six-inch stilettos and mask. He took one look at me and said: ‘You are fantastic, I love you’ – then we made passionate love all night long.”

The mistress says, “Me too: the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, huge stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say much . . . but we had wild sex all night.”

The married woman says, “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s. I got myself ready: leather bodice, six-inch stilettos, mask, the works. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: ‘Okay, Batman, what’s for dinner?’”

My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our sex lives.

Unfortunately “Guess who I shagged last night?” didn’t go down very well.

A lawyer woke up in the middle of the night to find the devil standing at the foot of his bed. “What do you want?” asked the lawyer.

“I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you ever take for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends, and I want to have anal sex with your twelve-year-old daughter.”

“Okay,” said the lawyer after a moment’s thought. “So, what’s the catch?”

A lawyer walked into a doctor’s surgery with a frog on his head. “That’s a nasty looking growth,” said the doctor.

“I’ll say,” replied the frog. ‘It started out as a small pimple on my arse.”

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished badger in the road?