The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (109 page)

She can only give you lip once.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A leper combing his hair with a potato peeler.

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?

Stew.

Did you hear about the leper who failed his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.

A leper wins a ticket to see the men’s final at Wimbledon. When he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and faking off and he’s deeply embarrassed. The leper wanders around centre court, looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an end-of-aisle seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, “No problem, mate. Just sit down and watch the game.”

The leper sits down and says, “As you may have noticed, I have leprosy. If it bothers you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fifth game, the man suddenly throws up.

Undigested strawberries and cream are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for letting me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to be ill. I will look for another place to sit.”

The man finishes spewing up, wipes his mouth and says, “Look, mate, It’s not you, I promise. Just sit down, shut up and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the second set the man begins to projectile vomit: a powerful blast of puke and bile emanates from this mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied. At this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you some distress. I will find somewhere else to sit.”

“Honest, it’s NOT you. Just shut up and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the third set, the man begins to throw up again. This time it is dry heaving of the most painful variety. The leper feels terrible at the sight of this man’s obvious suffering and once again he offers to leave. But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so ill, what is it?”

“It’s that bloke behind you, pal. He keeps dipping his Doritos in your back.”

Why was the leper unable to speak?

The cat got his tongue.

Why do lepers make such good neighbours?

They’re always willing to lend a hand.

What’s a leper’s favourite chocolate bar?

Flake.

What’s small, green and falls apart?

A leprechaun.

How do you know if a leper has been using your shower?

The bar of soap is bigger.

What is the defnition of confusion?

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?