The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (113 page)

Two - one to unscrew the light bulb and the other to fuck my stepmother, sorry, hold the stepladder.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends if the bulb owns any oil reserves or not.

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to change it and one to hold a white fag just in case.

How many Essex girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Chavs don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in pools of their own sick.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

You won’t fnd a lawyer who can change a light bulb. However, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.

A man walks down the street and on the way he meets a friend, who happens to have only one arm. “So, what are you up to?”

“I’m going to change a light bulb.”

“Won’t that be diffcult, with just the one arm?”

“Not really. I’ve still got the receipt.”

There was a young widow from Kent

With a cunt of enormous extent

And so deep and so wide,

The acoustics inside

Formed an echo whenever you spent.

There was a young fellow called Howell

Who buggered himself with a trowel.

The triangular shape

Was conducive to rape,

And easily cleaned with a towel.

There once was a man from Bombay

Who made a fake cunt out of clay.

He stuck in his dick

But the thing turned to brick

And chafed his foreskin away.

There was a young man from Harrow,

Who had a dick as big as a marrow.

He said to his tart

“Try this for a start.

My balls are outside on a barrow.”

There was a man from Mauritius

Who said his last fuck was delicious

But the next time I cum

It’ll be up your bum

Cos that scab on your clit looks suspicious.

There once was a young man from Sparta