The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (166 page)

“The thing is,” says Quasimodo, “I’m afraid I’m only good for a ten-franc fuck.”

“Okay, for ten francs you get the white lady through the door to the left.”

Quasimodo pays his ten francs, goes through the left door and comes out again moments later, completely satisfied.

Several years later, after being up in the bell tower on his own again, Quasimodo comes down through the shadows in to the town centre. “You know what?” he thought to himself, “I could do with a proper good shag and this time I have fifteen francs.” So off he goes to the same whorehouse he went to several years earlier.

On his way there he sees a young boy, hideously disfigured with a hunch on his back, dragging one of his feet behind him. Quasimodo goes to the boy and says to him, “Excuse me, young man, how old are you?”

“I’m almost five years old, sir,” replies the boy, as he looks Quasimodo up and down. “If you don’t mind me asking, sir,” says the young boy, “is it possible you could be my father?”

“I suppose so, it was around five years ago that I last came down from my bell tower.”

“How could you do this to me, father? Look at me: I’m hideously ugly, I have a useless leg, I have a hunchback and all the people point and shout names at me. How could you bring such a creature into the world?”

“Well, think yourself lucky, son. If I had another five francs you would have been black.”

A man is troubled by the thorny question of whether or not sex on the Sabbath was a sin. He is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to the priest and asks for his opinion on this theological question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thinks: “Fair enough. But then, what does a priest know about sex?” So he goes to a minister, who, after all, is a married man and more experienced in this matter, for a second opinion. Having queried the minister he receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.

All the same, he is not entirely happy with the reply, so he seeks out the local rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question, then announces, “My son, sex is definitely work.”

The man replies, “Rabbi, how can everyone be so sure it is work?”

The rabbi replies, “Sex is work, which is why my wife won’t do it, which is why the maid has to.”

One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. He dug a little hole under the fencing of the compound, and, as he scampered away, he felt grass under his little feet for the first time. He looked up at the sky and saw dawn breaking. “My!” he thought to himself. “What can that be? It’s amazing!”

He came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight. There were lots of other bunny rabbits, running around free, capering in the sunlight and nibbling at the lush green grass. “Hello!” he called out to them. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you rabbits too?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. The little rabbit hopped over to his new friends and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike the bland, tasteless food he had been fed all his life in the lab.

“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field over there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” The little rabbit spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots he had ever eaten in his life. They were amazing. A bit later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that allotment over there? It has cabbages growing in it. We eat cabbages as well.” The cabbage tasted fantastic, even better than the carrots.

“Brilliant!” said he little rabbit. “Is there anything else you rabbits do?”

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and said in a low voice. “There is one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits over there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and give it a try.”

Well, our little rabbit spent the rest of the morning banging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the other rabbits.

“That was incredible,” he panted.

“So, are you going to live with us then?” one of his new friends asked.

“Sorry, I had a great time but I have to get back to the laboratory”.

The wild rabbits all stare at him in amazement. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I did – loved every minute of it,” the little rabbit replied. “But I’m dying for a fag.”

I gave an elderly rabbit a Viagra tablet but it died. I guess the moral of the story is, old rabbits die hard.

A little rabbit is running merrily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it away and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit again says, “Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the lovely forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his liner of coke, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!”

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and mauls the rabbit to death. The giraffe and elephant look on in horror and ask: “Lion, why did you do this? He was only trying to help you.”

The lion replies: “That little twat . . . he makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he takes a tab of ecstasy.”

A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. He panics, so he takes the dead chewed-up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts it back into the cage in his neighbour’s garden, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks him, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”