The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (168 page)

So the black kids can have a dirty face at Easter.

A half-Jewish, half-black lad asks his mother, “Mum, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?”

“That’s a silly question,” she replies. “Go and bother your father, already.”

Off he goes to his father and asks: “Dad, would you say I’m mostly Jewish or mostly black?”

“You’re just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?”

“Well, my friend’s selling his bike for ffty quid and I don’t know whether to Jew him down to twenty-fve or just wait until dark and steal it.”

How do you confuse a
Daily Mail
reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

Why don’t black people go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that one again.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in London’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He’s very taken with the sculpture so he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Five pounds for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and five hundred pounds more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The purchase complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the road outside, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked a couple of blocks, at least three dozen rats are at his heels. He quickens his pace and breaks into jog as multitudes of rats emerge from sewers and basements. By now hundreds of rats are at his heels, and, as he sees the Thames embankment just ahead of him, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, by now in their thousands. By the time he comes running up to the river’s edge he has London’s entire rat population behind him. Making a mighty leap towards the water, he grabs a lamp-post, and hurls the bronze rat into the Thames as far as he can. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges into the river, where they drown. Shaken and dazed, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you have come back for the rest of the story,” says the shop owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze banker.”

How many rednecks does it take to grease a combine?

Only two if you run them through real slow.

What do you call a redneck at college?

The cleaner.

How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?

She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time and know what to spit and what to swallow.

What’s the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?

Nice tooth!

A lucky guy had three girlfriends on the go but wasn’t sure which one to settle down with. So he decided to give each one £500 to see how they spent it. The first girlfriend went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought herself clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and pedicure. When she came back she told him, “I spent the money so I could look gorgeous for you because I love you so much.” He was very touched and quite aroused and they had lots of great sex.