The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (169 page)

The second girlfriend went out and bought him a new fat-screen TV. “I bought this gift for you with the money you gave me because I love you so much,” she said. He loved his new telly!

The third girlfriend took his £500 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, gave him the original £500 back and reinvested the rest. She told him, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” She made enough money to buy him a new car.

After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Patient.

Two guys and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”

The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”

They then asked the woman, “What are you?”

She replies: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

I used to think I was the world’s greatest lover, until I found out that my girlfriend had asthima.

I met this girl in a bar and I said to her: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”

She replied: “If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

I said: “That works for me, as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.”

The other day I told my girlfriend that she was like Marmite. She said, “What, you either love me or you hate me?”

“No,” I replied, “you’re black and you smell.”

What’s the funniest thing about one-night stands?

Leaving a note on the fridge telling them you have AIDS.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was quite upset. My mum reassured me, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.”

I replied, “Yes I know, but it isn’t just the smell I miss.”

Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public?

If they let go then the bitch might start shopping.

I met this girl last night and she was a right ugly cow. I said to her “What’s your name?”

“Wednesday,” she replied.

“That’s a very unusual name,” I said.

“She said, “Yes. Apparently when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, ‘I think we’d better call it a day.’”

Why is sex like paintballing?

Because you play hard for thirty minutes and when it’s over you’re all hot and sweaty and glad that you’re not the one taking a shot to the face.

How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?

When you open her legs a light comes on.

When I was fourteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

When I was sixteen, I finally dated a girl, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I got to date this really passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was a drama and she cried all the time and threatened to kill herself.