The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (172 page)

“Hello,” said the doctor standing next to his bed. “I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but I’m afraid you were in a terrible pile-up on the M1. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again, but there is a bit of bad news and I’m going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your penis was lost in the wreckage and we were unable to find it.”

The bloke groans but the doctor continues. “We’ve checked your insurance and you’ve actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you, and the good news is that we have the technology now to reconstruct your penis and it will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come cheap. It will cost you £1,000 an inch.”

The man brightened up a bit at this news. The doctor goes on. “It’s your decision. You need to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. If you had a fve-inch dong previously, and you decide to go for a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand of you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a fve-incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it is very important that you consult with her to help you make the correct decision.”

The doctor returns the next day, and asks: “Have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have, doctor.”

“And has she helped you to make the decision?”

“Yes, she has.”

“And what is the decision?” enquires the doctor.

“We’re having a new kitchen.”

A coach full of handicapped people has crashed in the Lake District.

Rescue workers say it will be days before they can pull the coach from the wreckage.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a used dildo fies out and thumps against the windscreen, causing the car to veer off the road into a ditch. Fortunately the occupants escape the accident unscathed.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, that was an insect.”

Her son replies, “Funny. I’m amazed it could get off the ground with a cock as big as that.”

One day the vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I would like to say something. Two monthis ago, my husband Arnold had a terrible motorbike accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was agonizing and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

At this point there was an audible collective groan from the men in the congregation as they visualized Arnold’s mangled scrotum.

“My Arnold was unable to hold me or the children,” she continued, “and every small movement caused him excruciating pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very diffcult and delicate operation and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Arnold’s mangled scrotum and wrap surgical wire around it to hold it in place.”

By this time all the men in the congregation were writhing in their seats, with tears in their eyes, as they visualized the operation performed on poor Arnold.

“But now”, she announced in a shaky voice, “the good Lord had delivered Arnold back home to us and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

“I’m Arnold,” he said. The entire congregation held its breath. “And I just wanted to say that the word my wife is looking for is sternum.”

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Prince Charles and, as the day wore on, they became increasingly tight around her feet. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their honeymoon suite, she fopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!” The Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

“Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!”

Charles yelled back, “I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!”

“Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.

Finally the shoe was released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God, that feels so good!”

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, “See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!”

Meanwhile, Charles was working hard to remove Camilla’s other shoe.

“Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!”

Prince Philip said to the Queen: “That’s my boy. Once a navy man, always a navy man!”

The royal family is out for a drive in the Rolls Royce when they are fagged down by a highwayman. Prince Philip tells the Queen, “Quick, hide all the jewels in your snatch.” The highwayman pokes his head in the window and seeing no valuables, tells everyone to get out of the car and drives away.

Standing beside the road, the Queen turns to Philip and says, “That was quick thinking. At least we saved one’s jewellery.”

“What a pity Camilla hadn’t been here,” says Philip. “We could have saved the Roller.”

The Queen was being shown around her new hospital by the matron. In the first room in the ward she sees a man furiously masturbating in bed. “Good grief!” says the Queen. “Why is one masturbating in bed?”

“Well,” the matron explains, “that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn’t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode.”

“Oh, I see. That poor man,” says the Queen.

Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse. Clearly shocked, the Queen gathers herself and says: “This is terrible, what’s one’s explanation for this?”

“He has exactly the same condition as the man in the other ward,” replies the matron. “Fortunately, however, he has private medical insurance.”

What did Princess Diana and the Queen Mother have in common?

They both died pushing 102.