The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (83 page)

“I see,” Frank replied. He looked down at the table, as though deep in thought, then he nodded, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed and getting ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big deal in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “I’ve only been with one other guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was he?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“You mean Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the husband. “He’s very rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are through the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” says the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry. I’m going to call room service and get something sent up.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” replies his wife.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and fuck me again.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they have finished, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she says.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and fuck me again.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his wife one more time.

When they finish, he's absolutely knackered. He drags himself out of bed, staggers over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No,” replies her husband. “I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this hole.”

A man arrives home from a round of golf, looking shattered. His wife says, “You look terrible, what happened?”

He replies, “Well, everything was going great until we got to the third tee. Then Bob got up to hit his tee shot and he collapsed with a heart attack.”

“Oh God, that’s awful, but why do you look so tired?” the wife asks.

“Well, for the rest of the round, it was like, play the shot, drag Bob, play the shot, drag Bob . . .”

A father, son and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just as the son is about to tee off, a really fne-looking woman approaches them, carrying a bag of golf clubs. “Excuse me,” she says. “My partner hasn’t shown up. Would you mind if I joined you”. Naturally, the guys all agree. Soon afterwards the guys begin to realize that perhaps it wasn’t such a great idea after all because they really have to work hard to mind their language in her presence. The lady gets wind of this and turns to the three of them and says, “Listen, boys, I don’t care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, swear, smoke, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on my game.” She then proceeds to tee off.

All eyes are on her arse as she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three men, shooting par or better on every hole.

When they get to the eighteenth green she has a six-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, “I want to thank you gentlemen for not trying to coach me. But I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never, ever shot par on this hole before and I want your opinions on this putt. If you can help me sink this putt I’ll give each of you a blow job.”

The son steps forward, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, “Madam, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left twelve inches from the hole and will go into the cup.”

Then the father steps up to the green. “Don’t listen to the kid. Aim twelve inches to the right and the ball will break left two feet from the hole and fall into the cup.”

At this, the grandfather looks at both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

A dwarf walks into a pub, throws a £5 note on the bar and says to the barman, “Give me a double shot of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight?”

The barman pours the dwarf a double shot of Jack Daniels and says, “Well, in my opinion, sir, I’d say the large chap at the end of the bar is the toughest son of a bitch in the premises this evening.”

The dwarf knocks back his Jack Daniels in one, walks to the end of the bar and smacks the big fellow in the teeth, knocking him out cold, then walks out of the bar.

“Well,” thinks the barman, “that’s something you don’t see every day.”

The following evening the same dwarf walks into the bar, throws down a £5 note and says to the barman, “Give me a double shot of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of bitch in this bar tonight?”

So the barman pours him his double whisky and says, “Well, sir, I’d say that big old biker sitting by that table over there is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

The dwarf knocks back his shot, walks over to the biker, punches him square in the jaw, knocking him out, and walks out of the bar.

Well, by this time the barman is getting a mite cheesed off about having this little fellow hitting his customers. So, the next day he goes down to the local zoo and rents out a very large gorilla, then hides him in the men’s toilets. Sure enough, the following evening the dwarf returns. He walks in the pub, throws down his fiver and says, “Give me a double of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

The barman pours him his shot and says, “You know, sir, there really isn’t anybody in here tonight quite up to your standard of toughness, but I gather that there is a gentleman in the men’s toilets who is, as it were, the baddest son of a bitch in the premises this evening.”

The dwarf knocks back his drink and heads for the men’s toilets. From the bar everyone hears the toilet door slam and the beginnings of a right royal ruckus. Suddenly it goes quiet, the dwarf walks back into the bar, brushing himself down. He says to the barman: “Oi, barman. Tell the black guy in the men’s when he wakes up, his fur coat’s in the wheelie bin out the back.”

In the jungle there lived a gorilla and a rhino. They had been best mates for several years and they did everything together. One spring day the gorilla was feeling a bit randy. It had been monthis since he had been able to pull, and he was starting to get a bit desperate for a shag. As he was walking down to the waterhole he saw his mate the rhino bending over, having a drink. This was too much for the gorilla who saw the rhino’s arse right there in front of him swaying gently from side to side as he drank. The gorilla couldn’t contain himself any more and ran straight at the rhino and buggered him senseless for a good half-hour. All the time the rhino was screaming, “Get off me, I’m going to kill you, you bastard!” but he couldn’t do anything because the gorilla was holding on too tight.