The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (87 page)

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re catching herpes, which is precisely why I came here in the first place.”

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who decorated his house through the letter box?

Why do they call it a cervical smear?

Because if you called it a cunt scrape, nobody would turn up for one.

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

A genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

A woman walks into a gynaecologist’s office for an examination. She gets up on the stirrups and the doctor peers between her legs. He says: “You have a really enormous pussy. You have a really enormous pussy.”

The woman replies: “You didn’t have to say it twice.”

The doctor says: “I didn’t.”

A woman in her seventies goes to a gynaecologist to see if there is any remote possibility that she can have a baby. The gynaecologist tells her to lift up her skirt and pull down her panties. After a close inspection, he says, “Madam, you are seventy-five years old. Your vagina smells kipperus, which is a condition to describe the breeding ground for kippers.”

“Pardon?” says the old lady.

“Okay, I’ll make it simple for you,” says the gynaecologist. “You have a kipperus vagina and if you have a baby it will be a miracle.”

The old lady thanks him and goes home to her husband.

“What did the doctor say?” asks her husband.

“Not good news,” the old lady replies. “I have a kipper as a vagina and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

What do a near-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

A six-year-old boy says to his best friend, “Yesterday after school, my mum caught me playing gynaecologists and nurses with the girl next door.”

“No shit! – I bet YOU were in trouble,” replies the friend.

“Not really, it was Wednesday so we were playing golf.”

Defnition of a gynaecologist: a spreader of old wives’ tails.

What happens if you stick your hand up a gypsy’s skirt?

You get your palm read every twenty-eight days.

How many gypsies does it take to pave a driveway?

It depends on how thin you slice them.

Why are cigarettes like gypsies?