The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (42 page)

“Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replies the boy, thoughtfully. “I think I’ve heard about that at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this pack?”

“Those are for students, son. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks, “Then who are these for, dad?”

“Those are for single men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” says the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

With a sigh, his dad replies, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for . . .”

A young guy goes into a pharmacist’s to buy some condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine or twelve and asks which pack size he wants.

“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this bird for a while and she’s really hot and I’m pretty sure tonight’s the night. She’s invited me to have dinner with her folks – a bit of a bummer! – but after that we’re going out and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get lucky. Once she’s seen my dick she isn’t going to want anyone else, so you’d better give me the twelve-pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer: “Lord, for what we are about to receive . . .” then continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.”

A man approaching his fiftieth birthday decides to have a facelift. He spends £5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes. Before leaving, he says to the vendor, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About thirty-five,” is the reply.

“I’m actually forty-nine,” the man replies smugly, feeling really good about himself.

After that he goes into a Starbucks for a coffee and asks the young girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about twenty-nine.”

“I am actually forty-nine.” By now he’s feeling fantastic.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks a really old woman the same question. She replies, “I am ninety years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there is no one around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants.

The old lady rummages around for ten minutes and says: “Okay, it’s done. You are forty-nine.”

The man is stunned. “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was standing behind you in Starbucks.”

A defendant was on trial for murder at the Old Bailey. There was strong circumstantial evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse. In his closing statement the counsel for the defence, realizing that in all likelihood his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all did likewise. A minute passed and nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked at the door to see if someone walked in. I put it to you, therefore, that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was actually killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired in confusion to deliberate. A few minutes later, the foreman of the jury returned and told the judge that they had arrived at a unanimous verdict. “We find the defendant guilty.”

The lawyer’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “But how?” he enquired. “You must have had some doubt: I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did. But your client didn’t.”

Did you hear about the two gay judges?

They tried each other.

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge adds, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The man in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, your honour. But for ffteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t fucking have one.”

A cowboy and his brand-new bride check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband goes to the front desk and asks for a room.