The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (45 page)

A man walks into a police station and says to the duty sergeant, “I live just down the road. You arrested a burglar breaking into my house last night. I’d like to speak to him, please.”

“Sorry, sir, but you’ll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the fucking house without waking the wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.”

A hoodie goes into a Manchester library. The librarian tells him, “In order to borrow a book, you need to prove that you are a resident of Moss Side.” So he stabs her four times.

The credit crunch has seen elderly women get hit the hardest. The old slags should learn to just let go of their handbags.

Another indiscriminate shooting spree in America has left fifteen dead, this time in a nursing home for the elderly. During the shooting the gunman was offered a cup of tea twenty-eight times.

What did Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?

They were both bumped off by dodgy seamen.

What did Rod Hull and Emu have in common?

Neither could fly.

What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

Rod Hull’s television.

What’s the difference between Vanessa Feltz and Rod Hull’s roof?

One is big, hard to get on top of and covered in green slime, and the other is Rod Hull’s roof.

Why didn’t Jill Dando drink much alcohol?

One shot went straight to her head.

What’s the difference between Jill Dando and a white shirt?

The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

What did the war in Kosovo and a bullet have in common?

Jill Dando couldn’t stop either of them.

Jill Dando’s fiancé wanted to paint the front door red. She was dead against it.

What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain’s mind as he pulled the trigger?