The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (43 page)

“This here is a very special occasion,” he informs the receptionist. “We done got married today and we need a good room with a strong bed.”

The receptionist winks and asks, “Do you want the Bridal?”

The cowboy thinks about it a while and then replies, “Nope, I guess not. I’ll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.”

A young cowboy wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the American West. He practised every minute of his spare time but knew that he wasn’t yet first rate and that there was room for improvement. He was sitting in a saloon one night when he saw an old gunslinger at the bar who had once been recognized as the fastest gun of his day. The young cowboy sat himself down next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, son, you’re wearing your gun way too high. Tie the holster lower down on your leg.” The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

“That’s fantastic!” said the young buck. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man, “cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the cowboy. “Even better! Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that tin of grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-timer. “You’ve gotta smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp over there is done playing the piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your arse and it won’t hurt as much.”

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. They are chewing tobacco and swapping tales of bravado for which cowboys are famous. The first cowboy says, “I reckon I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy on the prairie.”

“You reckon, dude? How come?” asks the second.

“Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second cowboy says: “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a twenty-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and came straight at me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp.”

The third cowboy said nothing. He just sat there, chewing his tobacco, slowly stirring the coals with his cock.

One day the Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick Tonto were out riding through the prairie when the Lone Ranger had to stop to take a piss. So he dismounted his horse Silver and went over to a bush and pulled down his pants. Just then, Tonto heard a scream. The Lone Ranger staggered out from behind the bush and said, “Tonto, I’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake on my dick! Go to town and ask the doctor what to do!”

So Tonto rode to town and went to the doctor. “Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a rattlesnake. What do I do?”

The doctor replied, “You take a knife and make a small incision on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom.”

Tonto thanked the doctor and rode back to Lone Ranger.

“Tonto!” said the Lone Ranger, mightily relieved to see his friend. “Well, what did the doctor say?”

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and replied: “Doctor say you going to die!”

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whisky a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well,” he replied, “I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding and branding cattle, mending fences and so forth, so I guess I am. How about you?”

“I’m a lesbian,” the woman replied. “I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I take a shower I think about women. While I watch TV or even eat I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I always thought I was,” he replied, “but it turns out I’m a lesbian.”

Two cowboys walk into a saloon to wash the dust from their throats. As they stand by the bar drinking their beers and chewing the fat, a woman at a table near to them starts to choke. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in distress. One of the cowboys asks her, “Ma’am, can ya swaller?”

No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

“Can ya breathe?” asks the other.

The woman shakes her head again, by now beginning to turn blue.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers and slowly runs his tongue up and down her arse. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and takes a swig of his beer. His partner says in admiration, “You know, I’d heard about that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”

A woman who had recently lost her husband had him cremated and brought his ashes home. She picked up his urn and poured him out on to the kitchen table. Then, tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to her deceased spouse. “Colin, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Colin, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money.”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, said, “Colin, that diamond ring you promised me? Yep. Bought it with the insurance money.”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Colin, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.”

Shortly before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband? “ he asked.