The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (130 page)

His mate replies: “No way, that isn’t hair, she’s wearing black knickers!” So they make a £100 bet and ask a passing waiter to fnd out for them. The waiter fnds an excuse to go over to her table, then comes back to report.

“Neither of you is right. She had her period and there are fies on her.”

Why don’t men trust women?

Would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn’t die?

Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?

Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

My grandfather used to get up at 5 a.m. every morning and deliver milk to people’s doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart. He wasn’t a milkman, he was clinically insane.

“Hello, thank you for calling the NHS Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for

you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you

want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred

to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice

will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number

you press, because no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and the third and fifth letters of your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

A man walks in to a mental hospital and says to the receptionist: “Excuse me, is there anyone in room 30?”

The receptionist leaves the desk to check. She comes back and says, “No, sir, there’s no one in there.”

“Ah, that’s good,” says the man. “I must have escaped.”

I like to dress up like a white arctic bear and I have sex with men and women. I think I might be bi-polar.

A man is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. “Excuse me”, he asks him. “What are you doing?”

“I’m driving my car!” says the guy excitedly. “Beep beep!”

“You are not in a car, my friend, you are in a bed in a mental hospital.”

A voice comes from the bed opposite: “Mate, shut the fuck up, will you? He’s paying me twenty quid a day to wash it.”

A large group of punters enter a bar and order a huge round of drinks. When they come to pay they give the barman milk bottle tops. “What the hell is this?” says the barman.

The head of the group comes over to explain. “It’s the annual outing from the mental institute down the road. Just humour them, keep a tab and, at the end of the night, I’ll settle up with you,” says the guy.

“Okay,” says the barman with a big wink.

The night rolls on and it’s a roaring success. The barman hails the group leader. “That was a great night! Not one of them is sober, and no trouble at all!” he says, amazed. “That will be £473.82, please.”

“No problem. Have you got change for a dustbin lid?”

I’ve been taking steps to combat my kleptomania. Now my window cleaner can’t reach the windows.