The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (125 page)

You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

A husband and wife go to visit a marriage guidance counsellor. First, the counsellor asks if he can talk to the wife alone. “You say you’ve been married for twenty-two years, so what seems to be the problem?” asks the counsellor.

The wife replies, “He’s driving me mad! I’m going to leave him if he carries on!”

“How does he drive you mad?”

“Well, for twenty-two years,” she says, “whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s embarrassing.”

The marriage counsellor is bemused: “Is that it?”

“No. He keeps picking his nose all the time. Even in public.”

“Anything else?”

The wife continues, “Whenever we’re in bed, he never lets me be on top! Just for once I’d like to be on top!”

“I see,” says the counsellor. “I would like a word with your husband now.”

So the wife leaves the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her mad. She might leave you.”

The husband looks genuinely shocked, “What? For twenty-two years I’ve been a loving and considerate husband and I’ve always given her everything she wants! I don’t understand!”

The counsellor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her mad. For example, you’re always acting strange in public, looking at the foor and never going near anyone else.”

The husband replies, “Okay, it’s something I swore to my father I would do on his death bed.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”

The counsellor shakes his head. “I think you’ve probably taken your father’s words a little too literally. I think you will find that what he actually meant was that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”

“Oh, really?” says the husband.

The counsellor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”

“Well, that’s another thing dad specifcally told me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”

The counsellor bites his lip. “I think you’ll find that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”

“Oh, right,” says the husband, looking very sheepish.

“Also, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

“This is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing,” says the husband, gravely.

“What did he say?”

The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said ‘Don’t screw up.’”

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. “What’s that for?” asks his wife

“It’s for your headache,” replies her husband.

“I don’t have a headache!”

“Gotcha! Fancy a fuck then?”

Who says men can’t multi-task? I can shag my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.

My wife and I do it doggy style for at least half an hour every time. Or four minutes human time.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s for his check-up. Afterwards, the doctor called the wife into his office. He said, “I need to speak to you alone. Unfortunately your husband is suffering from a very severe stress-related illness. If you don’t follow this strict regimen, your husband will certainly die. Each morning, fx him a healthy breakfast. Be nice to him and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.”

The doctor continued: “Whatever you do, don’t burden him with household chores because this could stress him. Try not to discuss your problems with him – that will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

“Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next nine months to a year I think there is an excellent chance that your husband will regain his health.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die.”

The local vicar was having a crafty wank in the bath. While happily tugging away and humming “Jerusalem”, he realizes that he is being watched from the bathroom window by his window cleaner, his jaw agape at what he’s just seen. A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings and it’s the window cleaner. The vicar is too embarrassed to look the man in the eye and mumbles, “How much do I owe you?”

“Fifty pounds,” comes the reply.

“That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” blurts the vicar.

“Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you disgusting old pervert.”

The vicar hands over the cash and the window cleaner goes on his way. A week later the bishop pops round to the vicar’s house for a cup of tea. While the vicar is making tea, the bishop is admiring his home.

“Lovely clean windows you have there, vicar, who does them for you?”

“A man from the village does them for me,” replies the vicar.