The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (120 page)

The assistant replies in the negative, so the woman leaves the store and finds another department store where she is rebuffed in a similar manner.

After a third unsuccessful attempt at another department store she decided to try another approach. She walks into the Anne Summers lingerie store, marching up to the sales counter, lifts up her top and demands: “Do you have anything for this?”

The assistant looks closely and replies, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

Two men finish showering in the gym when one puts on a pair of lace knickers.

“Since when do you wear women’s underwear?” the other asks.

“Oh, since around the time my wife found them in the glove compartment.”

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went to play a round of golf with their respective wives tagging along as caddies. While they are walking around the course the Englishman’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Deeply embarrassed, the Englishman stormed over and demanded a reason for her state of undress.

“Well, darling,” she explained, “you give me so little housekeeping money that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.” With that the Englishman fumbled for his wallet and said, “Here’s a tenner, go to Marks and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further on, the Irishman’s wife was caught by a gust of wind, lifting her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either. The Irishman ran over and demanded a reason for her lack of underwear.

“Well, darling,” she explained “you give me so little housekeeping money that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.” With that the Irishman put his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a fiver, go to Primark and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scotsman’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn’t wearing any knickers. The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well, darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.”

With that the Scotsman put his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb, go and tidy yourself up, woman!”

A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a joyless sex life. She puts them on, together with a very short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband while he’s watching the football. At the appropriate moment she crosses and uncrosses her legs.

“Are you wearing crotchless knickers?” he asks.

“Yes,” she answers, seductively.

“Thank fuck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

A lad from a very poor family wins £5 million on the lottery. He goes home and hands his dad £500. His dad looks at the cash and says: “Thanks son. This money will mean a lot to me. We’ve never had much in this family, we’ve always been poor. In fact, we were so poor I couldn’t even afford to marry your mother.”

“What!” exclaims the son. “You mean I’m a bastard?” “Yes, son,” replies his dad, “and a fucking tight-fisted one at that.”

Did you hear about the gypsy who won the lottery?

They paid him with travellers’ cheques.

A man says to his wife, “What would you say if I told you I’d

won the lottery?”

She says, “I’d take half and then leave you.” “Excellent,” the guy says. “I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here’s a fiver, now fuck off!”

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”