The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (119 page)

His prick was so long,

So pointed and strong,

He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

There was a young man from Racine

Who invented a knobbing machine. Concave or convex,

It would suit either sex,

With attachments for those in between.

There was a young girl with angina

Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock

(With the proper sized cock)

Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

There was a young man from Cape Horn

Who wished he had never been born.

He wouldn’t have been,

If his father had seen

That the end of his condom was torn.

There once was a girl from Lahore

Who’d lie on a rug on the foor.

In a manner uncanny

She’d wiggle her fanny

And drain your balls to the core.

There once was a plumber from Leigh

Who was rodding his girl by the sea.

Said she, “Please stop plumbing,

I think someone’s coming!”

He replied: “I know love, it’s me.”

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles

Came a scream that resounded for miles.

Said the vicar, “Good gracious

Has Father Ignatius

Forgotten the bishop has piles?”

There was a man from Bhoghat

Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat

. They had to be parted

Whenever he farted,

And propped wide apart when he shat.

There once was a lady from Hitchin

Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.

Her mother said, “Rose,

You’ve got crabs I suppose.”

She said, “Yes, and the fuckers are itchin’.”

There was a young man from Nantucket,

Whose cock was so big he could suck it. He said with a grin,

As he wiped off his chin,

If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

A bather whose clothing was strewed

By breezes that left her quite nude

Saw a man come along,

And unless I’m quite wrong

You expected this line to be lewd.

A very flat-chested woman goes shopping in search of a bra in her size. She goes into an upmarket department store and approaches a sales assistant in the lingerie department, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”