The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (124 page)

“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.

“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for £500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”

“How about mine?” asks the wife.

“That’s where they were holding the auction.”

I met my wife at a singles bar. Strange – I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

Wife: “Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?”

Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are comparing their love lives.

The Englishman says, “Before we make love, my wife and I drink a glass of wine. Then, after several hours of energetic sex, my wife tells me that she feels like she’s foating a foot off the bed.”

The Scot says, “Before we make love, me and the wife have a shot of whisky. Then, after hours of sex, she tells me that she feels like she foating three feet above the bed.”

The Irishman says, “Before having sex, I get completely pissed. I fuck my wife for five minutes, wipe my cock on her nightie, burp in her face and fall asleep. She hits the fucking roof!”

My wife said to me, “I need more space.” So I extended the kitchen.

My wife spends a lot of time on eBay. I still haven’t had a single bid for her.

A man took his wife to the county show. Among the exhibits were several breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that read, “This bull mated fifty times last year.” The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See that? He mated fifty times last year.”

They walked a little further and saw another pen, with a sign that read, “This bull mated 100 times last year.” The wife hit her husband and said, “See that? That’s more than twice a week. You could learn something from that bull.”

They walked a bit further and came across another, with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife hit him really hard and said: “See that? That’s once a day. You could really learn something from this one.”

The husband replied, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

I was banging the wife last night and I asked her if she wouldn’t mind moaning a bit just to get me in the mood. She replied: “When the fuck is this ceiling going to get painted?”

I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday. She said she wanted one of those big-screen TVs. So I moved her chair closer to the one we already have.

My wife makes love like a chess player. Every twenty minutes, she moves.

A married man keeps telling his wife “Darling, you have such a beautiful bum.” In fact, all of his friends and everyone in the neighbourhood agrees that she does indeed have a very beautiful bum.

As her husband’s birthday is coming up, she decides to celebrate her perfect rear by taking a trip to the tattoo parlour and having the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her perfect rear. She walks into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful bum. The tattooist can’t help but agree. “You do indeed have a beautiful bum” he tells her. She then explains she wants the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her arse. The tattooist tells her: “I’m afraid I can’t fit that on your arse, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and you and your husband will know that it stands for ‘beautiful bum’.” She agrees and has the work done.

On her husband’s birthday she decided to surprise him as he comes home from work. She stands at the top of the stairs wearing only a robe. When her husband opens the door, she says, “Look, honey.” She then takes off the robe and bends over.

Her husband yells “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”

What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?