The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (60 page)

“Paul.”

Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”

“Hashish from Morocco.”

A few minutes later there is a second knock. “Who is it?”

“It’s Mark.”

Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Mark?”

“Cocaine from Colombia.”

Another knock. “Who is it?”

“It’s Matthew.”

Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Matthew?”

“Heroin from Afghanistan.”

This continues for a while, until eventually there is a twelfth knock on the door

“Who is it?”

“It’s Judas.”

Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Judas?”

“The FBI, motherfuckers!”

My doctor warned me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a ffteen-foot straw.

Naomi Campbell and Jeremy Clarkson met at a celebrity bash.

“I’m a model,” says Naomi. “What do you do?”

Jeremy replies, “I do
Top Gear
.”

“Cool,” says Naomi. “I’ll have an eighth.”

What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?

Drool.

A guy is out on the lash with the lads and gets wildly drunk. By the time he staggers home he is covered in vomit and, sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him. The following weekend he’s out again with his mates, but avoiding the booze. When one of his friends asks why, he explains that he is still reeling from the almighty bollocking his wife gave him last time he got home drunk.

“No problem,” says his mate. “When it happens again, make sure you have £20 in your shirt pocket so you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and put the money in there for the dry cleaning!” Emboldened by this brilliant plan he proceeds to get completely pissed.

Much later that evening he falls through the front door, again covered in vomit. Predictably, his wife completely freaks.

“I can explain!” he protests. “A guy threw up over me and gave me £20 for dry cleaning! Check my pocket!”

His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, “There’s £40 here.”

“Yeah,” her husband replies. “He shat in my pants as well.”

How do you know when you’ve had enough to drink?

When you see a mop and don’t understand why you’re getting an erection.

A man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A policeman pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

“Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yes, sir, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, “Thank God. I thought I was a cripple.”

A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the foor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers.

“Here’s your husband!”

“Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”

What do you call an Pakistani alcoholic?

Mustafa pint.

A drunk comes staggering into the park blind drunk and sits himself down on a bench next to some other drunks. “Where have you been all night?” asks his friend.

“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.”

“Bollocks! There’s no such place!” snorts his mate.

The drunk says, “Sure there is! The joint’s got these huge golden doors and a golden foor. Fuck, even the toilets are gold!” His mate doesn’t believe his story, so the next day checks the phone book, and, sure enough, there is a place across town called the Golden Saloon. He calls up the place to check his mate’s story.