The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (153 page)

The next day on her way to work she passed by the pet store again, and the parrot once more said, “Oi! I’m taking to you, you fat ugly cow!”

She was really upset by now, so she went into the shop and complained to the owner. She threatened to sue them and have the bird put down. The store owner apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot would not offend her again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Oi! I’m talking to you,” the parrot shouted after her.

“Yes?”

“You fucking know!”

A woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful Norwegian Blue. “What about this one, madam? A beautiful bird, and an absolute bargain at only £25.”

“Why is it so cheap?” the woman asks.

“Well,” replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel, and as a result its language is a touch ripe.”

“No matter,” says the woman, making her mind up. “I’m broad-minded and it’ll be a laugh having a potty-mouthed parrot.”

She buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once inside his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, “Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam.”

The woman laughis awkwardly. “I’m not a madam and this is not a brothel.”

A little later, her two teenage daughters arrive home.

“Fucking unbelievable,” says the parrot when he sees the two daughters. “A new brothel, a new madam and now two new prostitutes.”

“Mum, tell your parrot to shut up!” complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home.

“Fucking incredible,” says the parrot. “A new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How’s it going, Nick?”

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around for a while she found that all the pets were very expensive, so she had a word with a sales assistant and explained that she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the assistant, “I have a very large bullfrog. Apparently it has been trained to give blow jobs.”

“Blow jobs? Are you sure?” the woman asked incredulously.

“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold thirty of them this month,” he said.

The woman thought it would be a great joke gift and, besides, what if it’s true . . . no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she got home and explained the frog’s special abilities to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, dreaming that maybe, just maybe, she had performed oral sex for the last time.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans fying everywhere, banging and crashing around the kitchen. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. “What are you two doing up at this hour?” she asked.

The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re gone.”

A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asks: “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”

“Aaaah,” the shopkeeper thinks to himself, so he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says: “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”

The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “To be fair, I weally don’t fink my anaconda gives a toth.”

A married couple are arguing constantly. The wife suggests that perhaps they would get along better if they have a pet for company. So the husband goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. Upon closer inspection the parrot doesn’t have any feet or legs. The man says out loud, “Bloody hell! I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a disabled parrot.”

The man laughis nervously: he could have sworn it sounded like this parrot actually understood what he said and had answered him.

“In case you’re wondering, I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, well-educated parrot.”

“Really?” the man asks in disbelief. “Then answer me this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is slightly embarrassing, but since you asked, I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot dick around this here wooden bar. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the man, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I can hold my own in intelligent conversation on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. Actually, I’m an expert in ornithology. I also speak fuent French. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.” The man looks at the price tag. “Two hundred pounds!” he says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the man closer with one wing.

“Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for £20. Just make an offer.”

The man offers £20 and walks away with the parrot. The new pet is sensational. He’s witty, he’s great company and the man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The man goes up close to the cage. “There’s something you ought to know,” says the parrot, “it’s about your wife and the milkman.”

“What?” says the man.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the milkman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer negligee and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the man.

“Then the milkman came into the house and lifted up the negligee and began putting his hands all over her,” reports the parrot.

“Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the negligee, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her neck and slowly going down and down . . .”

The parrot pauses for a long time.

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic man.

“Buggered if I know,” says the parrot. “I fell off my perch.”

A man went into a pharmacist’s and asked for a vial of cyanide. The assistant asked him what he wanted it for. The man answered calmly, “I want to kill my wife.” The pharmacist was shocked but kept his professional composure. “I’m sorry, sir,” he replied, “but you will have to understand under the circumstances that I am unable to supply you any cyanide.”

The man reached into his wallet and produced a photo of his wife. The chemist studied it for a while and returned it. “I see, sir. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

A man went into a pharmacist’s and said to the assistant, “Excuse me, do you have cotton wool balls?”