The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (154 page)

He replied, “What do you think I am, a fucking teddy bear?”

A man went to the pharmacist’s to buy some condoms. “I wonder”, said the pharmacist, “if I might interest you in our very latest product, the Artificial Vagina.”

The customer couldn’t believe his ears, so the pharmacist took one from behind the counter and showed it to him. “It looks just like the real thing!”

“It certainly does,” replied the chemist. “Why don’t you give it a real test, just smell it.”

“Christ! It smells just like one!”

“A final test, just feel it.”

“I can’t believe it, it feels just like a real one, I’ll buy it!”

“Should I wrap it up?”

“Don’t bother, I’ll eat it here.”

A little boy went to the pharmacist’s for some condoms. He walked up to the counter and said, “Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?”

The pharmacist replied, “Son, do you know what condoms are used for?”

“Yes,” replied the boy. “They keep you from catching venereal diseases.”

“All right,” said the pharmacist, “but do you know what the ribs are for?”

The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, “Well, not exactly, but they certainly make the hair on my hamster’s back stand on end.”

Socrates was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his great wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon a friend, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, guess what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Stop right there,” Socrates replied, raising his hand. “Let’s think this through. Before you tell me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“The Test of Three?”

“That is correct,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

The man thought for a while, then shook his head. “No,” he replied, “actually I just heard about it from someone else.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary—”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test because there is a third test – the flter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of any use to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was ashamed and said nothing more.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Why do so many Polish names end in “ski”?

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

What is long and hard, and a Polish bride gets it on her wedding night?

A new surname.

What do you get if you cross a Pole with a Scouser?

Someone who steals all the jobs.

What game do policemen’s children play?

Pin the rape on the darkie.

What’s the definition of “police intelligence”?