The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (151 page)

“I’m a turtle,” the man replies.

“Sounds like a load of bollocks to me,” replies his host. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?”

“Well,” the bloke replies, “that’s Michelle.”

A man was in bed with his new Thai bride. After a couple of hours of fantastic, steamy sex, she spent the next hour stroking his penis while he enjoyed a smoke.

“That’s nice,” he says. “Why do you like doing that?”

She replies, “Because I really miss mine.”

Bert was happily married except for one very important aspect. His dick was so large that his wife was unable to accommodate him without it causing her great pain. One night, this frustration boiled over and he headed out to find a brothel. Surely, if he was to find a woman who could ft him, it would be there.

As he walks into the reception he sees a woman behind the counter. “I’m Helga, the Headmistress,” she says. “How can I help you?”

He walks over to her and tells her his story. Money exchanges hands, and he’s directed down the hall, first room on the left. Bert has never actually been with a prostitute before so some awkward conversation occurs before intercourse. In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts screaming in pain. He quickly withdraws, apologizes profusely and goes back to the Headmistress.

She’s a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution – second door, right side. The man is a more than a little frustrated by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it. A third goes in. Then half. She screams. He dismounts and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on, and demands a refund.

She tells him that she has one last option for him – if it doesn’t work, she will gladly refund every penny. Last door on the left. He goes in, and the room is very dark. A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him. He mounts her – a third of the way, half-way, and all the way in. She offers no complaint. Gleefully he begins thrusting, when, to his horror, he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth. In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress.

“That girl is frothing at the mouth! I need you to call a doctor!”

The Headmistress rolls her eyes. “For fuck’s sake!” she turns and shouts behind her. “The dead girl is full again!”

My last girlfriend used to call my penis “Weapon of Mass Destruction”. I was fattered until I found out what she meant was it was really hard to find.

Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

His pants ft like a glove.

A paperboy is doing his monthly round collecting money from his customers. He knocks on a door and is greeted by a rather voluptuous lady, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee that leaves nothing to the imagination.

“Hello, madam,” says the boy. “I’ve come for the paper money. You owe £5, please.”

“Young man, I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a sultry voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something.” So the boy enters the house and the woman throws herself on the freside rug. Opening her negligee to reveal a pair of pendulous breasts, she says, “You can have me instead.”

The boy takes off his bag, and then when whips out an unfeasibly large penis that would be more in place on a stallion. The woman can’t believe her eyes. He then produces a series of big rubber rings from his bag and starts to stack them on his massive cock.

“What are you doing?” asks the woman.

“Oh these – they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you,” replies the boy.

“No way!” says the lady, “I’ll take all of you!”

The boy replies, “Not for five fucking quid you won’t, lady!”

A Canadian, an American and an Australian were on a cruise ship, enjoying a bullshitting session. The Canadian said, “In Canada we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The American said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Australian replied, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” He then stretched his hands so wide that it would do a fisherman justice.

“Jesus. How the hell do you screw them, then?” asked the American.

“They stretch.”

A man walks into a lift and finds himself alone with an attractive woman. As the lift ascends, he asks, “Excuse me, miss, can I smell your fanny?’.