The Mandates (14 page)

PART IV

Marking the Milestones of Gay Dating

Each step along the way is an important part of dating, whether it's meeting his friends for the first time or throwing a party jointly. As you climb
The Mandates
ladder of dating, remember that each step can take you higher or lead to your fall. Therefore, pay attention to what happens at each of these stages.

Here are tips for handling each new phase with strength, smarts, and insight. In this section,
The Mandates
explores the dos and don'ts for the first time each of the following occurs:

PART V

Testing Your Understanding of the 25 Mandates

Are you ready to test your understanding and mastery of the twenty-five mandates? Everyone knows that dating can really test your patience. Before you go on one more date, take the following quiz and see how you react to common dating situations.

Add up the points accompanying your responses and then check the key at the end of this section to see how you rate!

1 You're at a bar and you run into the guy you've wanted to date for months now. Twice he has asked for your phone number. Twice you have given it to him. Twice you have gone home and perched yourself next to the phone like Pavlov's dog, waiting for him to call. Twice you have ordered pizza as a reaction to no phone call. He is friendly and solicitous. He looks great. He asks for your number again. He makes vague excuses for why he couldn't call. You:

Pull out yet another card and hand it over to him.

In a whiny voice, ask him if he's “really going to call
this time. Really? You promise?”

Ignore the stack of cards in your right pocket and tell
him you don't have any. Then ask him for his card in
your most seductive voice. At the end of the evening,
excuse yourself to the men's room and tape his card to
the mirror.

Feel your pockets and then shrug. You ask for a pack of
matches from the bartender. You ask to borrow a pen.
You write down the name and number of the liposuction
doctor whose name is on all the subway ads. You smile,
pat his shoulder, hand him the card, and whisper in his
ear that the third time is fate, before going to talk to
someone else.

2 You're introducing the guy you're dating to friends for the first time. They bring up the weekend party last summer when you went a little wild and threw yourself at some hot man on the dance floor who ended up totally blowing you off. Before they can go further, you stop them by:

Pleading with them in a whiny, tiny voice to stop it.

Giving them a sharp look, but then you blow it by
laughing nervously.

Circling the table with a pointed finger, telling
something embarrassing about each one to cut them off
at the pass.

Making light of it, acting nonchalant, and firmly
changing the subject to something personally neutral
yet provocative that will turn all attention on you.

3 It's the second date and the guy starts whining about his ex, droning on about how much he loved him and how awful it was to get dumped. You respond:

Oh, that must have been rough. Lean on me. Let me be
your strength.

The same damn thing happens to me. All the time. Men
suck, don't we?

Remind me again, what does this have to do with me?

You've obviously got some issues to work out. A first
date isn't the place to do that.

4 Before your dinner date with a hot, promising new guy, you meet him at his place for a quick drink. While he's getting drinks in the kitchen, you scan his CD collection. He has thirty-seven Barbra Streisand CDs, placed in alphabetical order, from
A (All About Barbra)
to
T
(Timeless: The Last Concert).
Superstud comes out of the kitchen with your vodka and cranberry and sees you rifling through his music. You quickly try to cover up your snooping by saying:

I just
love
Babs's songs from the seventies the best!
“Stoney End” rules!

I don't care what anyone says. Barbra may be better in
the studio, but Liza wipes the floor with her onstage.

All I see for miles here are dance music and divas.

, Mary, are you gay?
d. Okay, so how sacred is Babs before I admit to having
seizurelike symptoms when I hear “You Don't Bring Me
Flowers”?

5 Your boyfriend of one month unexpectedly shows up for an overnight date with two duffel bags' worth of clothing and toiletries, which he dismisses as “just a few things I want to leave here in case I ever need them.” This is the first time either of you has brought extra clothes and supplies to a date. What's the best thing to do?

Immediately clear out a closet as you weep with tears of
joy.

Totally freak out and start flinging his undies and shave
cream out the window.

Start packing
your
bag for
his
house.

Ask yourself how comfortable you feel with this, then
respond honestly. Talk about what this means exactly in
terms of your relationship.

6 You are about to have sex with a guy at his place, you both share your HIV-negative status, then he insists on barebacking with you. What do you say?

Sure, sounds fun. Last time I barebacked was at Camp
Rancho Big Fun in Montana when I was eight.

Barebacking seems a little risky, right? But you are so
cute and I am so lucky to have caught your eye!

No, doofus, I am not interested in risking my life for you
or giving in to your demands.

Saddle up and trot on outta here, cowboy.

Your ex invites you to his commitment ceremony.
7
What's the best gift?

Something from Tiffany! After all, it's his special day.

Your support and presence, showing how you have
made peace with him and the cruel way he left you for
this younger, insipid man he's now marrying.

Why are you going?!

Tabasco and Ex-Lax slipped into the au jus prior to
delivery of London broil entrées prepared for the
reception.

8 After six months, you and your boyfriend decide to be monogamous, only for you to find out after one year that he meant “as long as we're both in the same state.” Your reaction?

Understanding. After all,
you
never clarified, did you?

Questioning. How could you have misjudged his
intentions?

Unforgiving. He should have said what he wanted up
front. He's backpedaling now to save his ass.

Resigned disappointment. Tell him that as far as you're
concerned, he already is in another state. It's called
denial. And that you are now in another state as well.
It's called single.

9 You respond to a personal ad written by a guy who describes himself as six feet two, 185 pounds, brown hair, blue eyes, athletic, and thirty years old. He shows up for your date, but is gray-haired, wears Coke-bottle glasses, is bony and soft, and at least fifty. What do you say?

Hi, it's okay that you lied through your teeth. I am sure
you are a nice person. Coffee?

You aren't exactly what I was expecting, but I guess these
on-line dates are all about keeping expectations in check.

It's not that you're twenty years older than you said, or
that you look undeniably different. It's that you lied to me.
That's no way to begin either a friendship or a romance.
Ciao.

Yo, Daddy! Where's your son, the one I was looking
forward to meeting?

10 After a particularly bad affair, you decide to lower your standards so that the next one will last. Next thing you know, a mincing, bitter, frosty-haired manicurist named Irwin has moved in with you, filled your home with tacky, bejeweled tapestries, gilded International Male clothes, and cheap Target furniture. After three months, you:

Accept things as they are. Relationships are about
compromise.

Tell him that you're cutting the Target credit card off if
he doesn't ask you next time he charges $2,000 worth
of crappy lawn chairs. Then you renege and make up
with him.

Go into therapy ASAP. Keep asking yourself, “Who am
I?” until the small, still voice within says, “You're an
idiot.”

Kick his mangy, tired, taste-free butt o-u-t.

11 You are on date with a guy who keeps popping little white tablets he calls “special breath mints” onto the tip of his tongue after dinner, as he gets increasingly more loving, friendly, and ethereal. He offers you one. You say:

Oh, thanks. A breath mint that makes me extra happy
would be groovy.

That doesn't look like a Tic Tac. It's too round.

Do you want to watch the
Valley of the Dolls
video
again?

Lying to me about your ecstasy pill-popping is so
nineties.

12 You respond to an on-line personal and, after viewing a few pictures and talking a few times by phone, decide to meet the guy. But his pictures don't do him justice; in person, he looks like Brad Pitt. Yes, you found the one-in-a-million guy who understated his attributes on-line. All of a sudden you feel panicky, so you:

Get really defensive and insecure while you're talking
with him. You quickly excuse yourself, head to the men's
room, and inject yourself with Botox.

Fawn, drool, and genuflect at his feet. Yep, that'll make
you look so sexy.

Stop listening to what he says and imagine the two of
you living on your dream ranch. You'll have plenty of
time to get to know him later once the ranch is built and
you've moved in together.

Treat him like you would anyone. Anyone you think is
hot, that is. But keep your pride as you lose your
hormonal balance.

13 It's been three blissful dates with your dream guy, but you've been placing all the calls, making all the exciting plans, and feeding your friends a minute-by-minute account of the romance that's blossoming in your mind. Meanwhile, you only see him in public places, there's been nothing physical between you, and he's canceled twice at the last minute for vague reasons. Your next move?

Just keep making the moves. Not everyone is as
organized as you!

Excuse his behavior by rationalizing to yourself that
he's superbusy and has a really important career and
social life, much more important than yours.

Realize that you're driving your “streetcar named
desire” down a one-way, dead-end track.

Stop calling and making plans, then see what happens.
As obvious as it seems, remind yourself that you only
want to be with someone who likes you.

14 Everything is going great in your relationship until one day, after you've begun to feel comfortable with each other after a few months of dating, you are bored with him and the relationship for the first time. Your immediate reaction is to:

Wonder what it is that you've done wrong. Feel terrible
about yourself.

Bolt out the gate like a Triple Crown winner.

Take a little time alone to examine the relationship and
determine if there's something you want to (and could)
change.

Tell yourself that it's natural in a healthy relationship to
have an ebb and flow of desire. Trust that if things are
generally good, this will pass.

15 On your eighth date with a guy you met at the gym, you discuss the whole “out” issue. Mr. Gym guy says that, yes, he's out at work “to a guy on the second floor.” Asked if he's out just “in general,” he responds, “Yes, definitely. I mean, I think so, I don't discuss it but I don't hide it. It'd probably surprise a lot of people. They know about the women but not the men.” Finally, when you mention meeting some of your friends for dinner in the gay section of town next weekend, he avoids answering. What do you do?

Whisper that you'd be happy ordering in Chinese food
alone with him forever, just the two of you.

Think to yourself how cool it is that he skipped being
gay and went right to being the trendier “postgay.”

Wonder if you should curb those burgeoning romantic
feelings because you cannot deal with dating another
“straight as a circle” confused case.

Tell him he's more closeted than last week's dry
cleaning. Ask him if he agrees that a healthy
relationship eventually needs to be integrated with
family and friends.

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