The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (23 page)

FRIENDLY

Being friendly means helping other people feel comfortable, so you have to be friendly to women. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between being friendly and making friends. Although being friendly is, of course, a necessary part of making friends, many males have the problem of being unable to differentiate between being friendly to a woman and becoming her friend.

Males may want to sleep with all their female friends, which is often why they became friends with them in the first place, but females are different and more practical since it is behavior that they are attracted to more than bodies. To get the best sex
and
the best emotional support, they maintain different relationships with different people who fulfill different roles in their lives. They do not mind if their sexual partners literally come and go, as long as they are very skilled in the bedroom, and when they get their hearts broken, they will cry on the shoulders of other people who are more empathetic than sexual, more emotional than confident, more feminine than masculine, more kind than attractive.

Fear of strangers is a quite normal occurrence among humans, because strangers are unknown and therefore their behavior is harder to predict and perceived as potentially dangerous. Thus, friendliness with a new woman is crucial so that it is obvious that you are harmless to
her
. You have to demonstrate that you will never hurt her without appearing vulnerable, weak, and incapable of protecting yourself or her. When she has been convinced of this
nonconsciously
, she will be able to relax in your presence and eventually be comfortable enough to be alone and naked with you.

However, to reach that point, you do not have to take up activities together or help her out by solving all her problems, regardless of whether they are mechanical, digital, financial, or emotional.
To do anything like that before you have had sex will severely diminish your chances of ever having it, because you will seem more interested in friendship than romance. This is something that “nice guys” have to learn, along with how to show women
proper
respect.

Respect

All women say they want a nice guy. Of course they do! No one in their right mind would say that they want to spend their time with someone who is not nice. Yet many women, especially the most attractive ones, enter relationships with men who
appear
not to be nice to them, while there are tons of males that
seem
really nice, and they always finish last when it comes to getting the girls. This superficial observation has led to the misconception that “nice guys finish last,” while a deeper and more accurate analysis would reveal that it is feminine, unconfident, uncharming, and irresponsible males who finish last. At the end of the day, the problem is not that “nice guys” are too nice; it is that they are not actually nice.

The classic definition of being nice is the so-called Golden Rule: Treat other people as you would like them to treat
you
. This is idiotic and makes no sense. To be nice, for real, means to treat other people as
they
want to be treated. That is my definition of being nice, and just like my definition of masculinity, confidence, and charm, it is a lot more effective and makes more sense because it is based in reality. Thus, to be nice to women means to understand what women want and give it to them.

This is not how “nice guys” treat women, however.

“Nice guys” tend to be “nice” to a woman by the classic definition because they want a woman to be “nice” back. They shower her with gifts, fix her car and computer, run her errands, drive
her around, and allow her to stand them up without getting mad. They do favors for a woman because they think such behavior will encourage her to treat them the same way, as they believe that a woman’s company and sex with her is a favor that women are “nice” enough to do males. They are stuck in the traditional mindset of believing that sex is a one-way transaction that you can owe another person and that sex is something only males want.

This is not being nice, however; this is being naïve and misled.

“Nice guys” usually feel afraid of women and therefore hide their true romantic and sexual feelings for the woman they want, at least at first, and appear to be just like one of her girlfriends — someone to go shopping with and someone who listens to all their problems. Then when these guys finally have the courage to reveal their sexual interest in her, the woman will of course give them the famous line, “Let’s just be friends” since she thought that they
were
.

This is not being nice, however; this is being afraid and deceptive.

“Nice guys” also tend to listen to women’s complaints about the men women
do
date, lamenting that they are egotistical, insensitive, and not very romantic, for instance, but then draw the erroneous conclusion that women do not want these qualities in a romantic partner.

This is not being nice, however; this is being irrational and foolish.

A more effective and more rational strategy would be to listen to these women’s complaints and then
adopt
those traits, not avoid them. Sometimes you have to give women (and men) what they want by not giving them what they ask for.

Think of this issue in the same way many men with attractive girlfriends tend to complain about how their ladies spend so much
time getting ready, applying makeup, and shopping for clothes, for instance. If a female who wanted to improve her attractiveness to such men took these complaints as a warning of what not to do, she would become a lot
less
successful than if she simply mimicked the behaviors that these sexy women display.

Sadly, women are not particularly good at helping asexual and emasculated males become less wimpy and girly by discouraging their unattractive manners. Instead, they will tell them what a “nice guy,” what a “good boy,” and what a “perfect gentleman” they are — while the same women are having sexual relationships with men who have few of these qualities, men who are often the complete opposite of how they describe their ideal partner.

This is not being nice, either; this is being unhelpful and cruel.

Women fall for “bad boys” because they are only “bad” in the eyes of our traditional socialization, the same way men actually love “naughty girls.” But some women even fall for convicted criminals, much to the embarrassment of other females and the confusion of many males. What these lowlifes have going for them, though, is that they possess the character traits that women are instinctively attracted to — confidence and responsibility — so they are nice to women per my definition by giving women what they want. Their confidence is noticeable in the way they put themselves first, even above the law, in the manner in which they believe themselves to be able to get away with extremely bad behavior, and their responsibility is evident by the fact that they take action despite a lot of risk. The fact that some of them, such as con artists and sociopaths, also have a great deal of charm makes them even more appealing to women.

However, breaking the
law
to get girls is definitely unnecessary and not recommended, but do not be afraid to be a “bad boy” and break the norms. You should always try to make women feel
good about themselves and leave them better off than you found them. Be charming, but never at the expense of yourself. Never allow anyone to walk over you, not even a woman that you like or are in love with. You are not nice to
yourself
if you do, and if
you
are not nice to yourself, no one else will be. If this means that you are a “bad boy,” so be it.

When with a woman, feel free to perform the gestures of a gentleman, but do so for your own sake primarily as it provides excellent opportunities to kill two birds with one stone. With these gestures, you make a woman feel attractive and you seem charming as you show that you care about her, while at the same time giving yourself additional chances to admire her wonderful body. When you hold open the door for her, check out her ass as she walks in front of you, and when you pull out the chair for her, check out her cleavage as she sits down. If you like what you see, feel free to tell her so too, instead of just thinking it to yourself.

Be nice!

While successfully flirting with a woman, you will make it clear that you are not interested in friendship, but you still need to make her feel comfortable
without
sacrificing the sexual tension that flirting creates. To do so, you have to be comfortable yourself; you need to be calm, happy, and unaggressive — as such strong emotions are contagious. Allowing her to get to know you, at least somewhat, will also make her feel more comfortable because she will think that she can predict your behavior. And the better she gets to know you, especially the more she discovers in common with you, the more she will believe that. People we have things in common with appear easier to predict since they seem to be thinking the same way we do. Keeping these elements in mind will help you build or assume rapport with a woman.

Rapport

During longer conversations with another person, you often discover commonalities: similar interests, hobbies, and experiences and common friends, beliefs, values, and ways of thinking. Usually all of your personal friends are people you have things in common with, and the more you have in common the stronger your bond is. This is called rapport, and it is something that you want to create, or at least assume, with the woman to whom you are attracted.

When you make a strong connection with a woman, she will tell her friends that the two of you are suited for each other or that you are soul mates. While achieving that kind of rapport is great, it is definitely not necessary to get women into bed or even to form a long-term relationship. They will like and be interested in a male if they are attracted to him, not because he also loves pink and shoes like they do.

Simply spending time with someone increases rapport, because when you accumulate experiences together, you gain more things in common, but you can speed up the process significantly by discovering commonalities during conversation.

While it is good to stick to topics that you do have in common when you talk to women, you should not
change
your opinions just to match theirs. It is okay to have different views, and you do not have to agree about everything to get along. If you force it, pretend, or change too many of your ideas to match a woman’s, you will only shoot yourself in the foot by coming off as too weak to have your own ideas and convictions. You will not seem very confident when you are not sure of yourself, when you yield to her ideas, and that is not what you (or she) want. If she is attracted to you, it is normal that
she
will seek out rapport with you anyway
by asking you many questions until she finds some similarity, making your life even easier, or simply not caring whether you have much more in common than mutual attraction as long as she is comfortable with you.

Keep in mind, though, sometimes when we disagree over something with someone or do not first appear to have common interests, taking a step back to explore what lies behind our specific beliefs or opinions sometimes reveals that we in fact
do
have something in common. You can for instance share an interest in sports, but cheer for different teams, or both of you may appreciate people with personal drive, yet one of you see it on the football field while the other see it in artwork.

However, you should definitely avoid getting into a heated argument if you disagree on a major issue if it would make you or her uncomfortable. Simply avoid digging deeper into any topic that feels like a sensitive, loaded subject.

Once a woman is comfortable with you, the only thing in common that is necessary is a mutual sexual interest in each other, something that mere friends do not have. You can spend many nights and even have lasting relationships with women you have nothing in common with other than being happy and horny to see each other. It does not need to be more complicated than that, and it can definitely be accomplished without dating a woman for
weeks
. A few hours are often enough, and sometimes less than one hour is.

However, if
you
want a long-term relationship and think it is important to share activities and hobbies, for instance, feel free to spend the time needed to find extensive and deep rapport, but otherwise realize that it is unnecessary. In the end, women are looking for a
man
, not a twin sister, and you do not want to wake up next to a clone of yourself wearing women’s lingerie either.

Chapter Eight

BODY LANGUAGE

Body language encompasses all of the nonverbal cues that we present to each other, both when we are silent and while we are talking. It is more than merely the way one gestures with one’s arms, but it also encompasses other elements, including the way one walks, sits, and stands and one’s posture, breathing, and eye contact. It is a universal means of communication that is automatically understood in all cultures and has developed and evolved over millions of years, with its origins from our ancestors, primates, and other mammals. It was used among our species long before mankind even had its first verbal language, and we are born to instinctively and nonconsciously use it and understand it. It is hardwired into our primal brain on a level that is deeper than our verbal faculties, much like attraction itself, which is why it matters a great deal during the seduction process.

However, before we delve deeper into the facets of body language, I want to say a few words about
voice
, as one’s voice serves as a bridge between one’s verbal and nonverbal communication.
Yet we rarely pay much attention to our voice itself, even though it says so much about us, and if a male ignores the weight of this element, his neglect may have a negative impact on his success with women even if he is saying the right
things
. Your tone, tempo, and volume could reveal, for instance, that you are nervous and insecure, despite your confident words, just as it is not enough to say all the right things with perfect timing if you are speaking too fast or so quietly that women cannot even hear you.

Whenever we feel uncertain of ourselves, it is normal for our voice to suffer if we do not pay attention to it. Some people start to stutter, some lower their voices so they become inaudible, and others speed their speech up as if they are afraid that no one will bother staying long enough to listen to everything they have to say. Hence, a male has to avoid these common pitfalls so that whenever he is talking to a woman his voice sounds the same as if he were talking effortlessly to his little sister. He has to be relaxed, take his time, breathe deeply, and not hold back the quality of his voice.

It is not at all necessary for you to contort your voice in any way, and if you try to adopt a slower, deeper, more seductive so-called bedroom voice, before actually being anywhere near the bedroom, you only risk coming across as phony. All you have to do is maintain your regular, everyday voice that you use automatically whenever you are comfortable. This is enough, as long as you do not have any speech impediments that hinder your ability to make yourself understood or your pitch is so high that you sound like a girl even under those circumstances. You will have to seek professional help to sort out such issues.

Women love male singers, as they are able to express themselves
freely
with their voice, at least on stage. You can tell from their voices that they are more confident, less socially inhibited,
and unafraid to raise their voice without having it crack or sound stifled. These are skills they often have had to take classes to develop, and the best of such vocal classes teach what I teach — more natural behavior, like the way we were before social inhibitions were introduced: As young children
none
of us held back our voices when we sang or spoke.

To speak normally also means that it is perfectly okay to speak with an accent if you have one. Actually, we all speak with an accent; we just might not be aware of it unless we are far from home.

Women sometimes say that a male with an accent (that is different from their own) is more attractive for it, probably because it is an indication of travel, and you need confidence to handle the uncertainty of leaving your home to travel. However, you definitely do not need to speak with an accent (other than the woman’s) to sound confident, but if you do already, do not waste any time trying to hide it.

Body language is not really a language, so the term is slightly misleading. It provides direct communication, unlike actual language, and thus is much more effective in certain circumstances. While all
verbal
communication has to be interpreted, nonverbal cues have an immediate impact on our emotions by bypassing the conscious stage of interpretation. If ever there are mixed messages and the verbal message delivered does not match the nonverbal communication being expressed, other people will be more likely to trust your body language as a more reliable and honest portrayal of your meaning.

Nonverbal cues will reveal your true personality and how you are really feeling if you are not consciously in control of it, and this is why it becomes a crucial component during seduction, particularly for males. A male’s verbal and nonverbal messages
must be congruent and consistent for him to be believable and attractive to women. Thus, you need to be aware of and in control of your body and what messages it is sending out.

All of us already know how to
read
other people’s body language, since we do it every day. However, you have probably not given it much active thought. You can usually tell if someone is upset or disappointed despite their words to the contrary, just as you can tell if someone is in a good mood or woke up on the wrong side of the bed even before they have
said
a word. We jump to these kinds of conclusions every day, often based only on split-second observations, as nonverbal cues are considered to be very trustworthy.

While women cannot really read a male’s mind, they believe they can by reading his body language, and they can usually read his body language very well, probably far better than he can himself. They have honed this ability of reading subtle cues much better than males as part of their more “sensitive” style of communication, and this is part of what is referred to as “female intuition.” Even if a male cannot tell if another male is walking confidently, all women can. Thus, a male has to know what he is telling the rest of the world about himself, including what he says when he is not talking.

People perceive one’s posture, the way one sits, the way one walks, the way one holds one’s head, and so on as a reflection of what has happened to a person in his or her life, much the same way people perceive one’s current level of body fat to be a reflection of how one’s eating habits have been in the past — and then assume that is still the way they are
today
. Despite the potential inaccuracy of such an assumption, it requires little effort and comes close often enough to make economic sense from an evolutionary perspective. This is why body language interpretation
is hardwired into humans.

Awareness of one’s body language is also important for another reason, as one’s body is linked to one’s mind. For example, if you adopt a proud posture even if you do not
feel
proud, your mind will catch up and feelings of pride will emerge. So rather than waiting for such feelings
before
you straighten your back and hold your head high, it is much better to adopt the posture straight away. Society preaches that a male should achieve something great before he can allow himself to act great, but there is actually nothing stopping him from doing it right away other than these societal influences on him, which he could choose to ignore, and which you should ignore.

During seduction, a male must understand his own body language and be aware of the messages that he is conveying with it, and leverage them for his best interests, rather than paying all attention to women’s body language. Males without much confidence tend to focus too much on
women’s
nonconscious signals and only feel comfortable approaching the women they believe are already interested in them, and then they lose their confidence much too quickly if they believe that they spot signs of disinterest from women during the conversation.

Happy ignorance is a better attitude in this case.

A woman who is interested in a man does send nonverbal signals to him nonconsciously, but no such signs are necessary to spot
before
you approach a woman, and only males who feel inadequate for women would look for an excuse to approach them — and that includes nonverbal signals. Hence, I will not list any of these female cues.

There are no nonverbal cues whatsoever that you need to see from a woman before you approach her, and once you are standing in front of her talking, the only sign of interest that you should care
about is whether or not she is smiling, maintaining eye contact, and staying near you. Obviously, you do not want to waste your time talking to a woman who is not interested in you, but you cannot truly tell if she is interested until after you have approached her, and no one really needs me or anyone else to tell you that if a woman is not smiling, avoiding eye contact, or walking away, you have seriously messed up and she has no interest in you. You have understood such basic nonverbal cues since birth.

Some people use nonverbal techniques that are supposed to increase their rapport with other people by mirroring the other person’s posture, gestures, and breathing patterns, for instance. However, this is nothing that you should waste your time
intentionally
doing. Such behavior is not going to improve your success with women, as it does not work that way, but there is also a big risk that this will even
decrease
your chances if you focus too much on updating your poses to match hers instead of moving like an attractive male. You risk becoming too self-conscious or even appearing feminine. Do yourself another favor and avoid it, and instead use your body to send the same message your mouth is sending.

When a male talks to a woman, he wants her to feel attraction toward him, attractive to him, and comfortable with him. Thus, his nonverbal communication should convey the exact same message.

To be attractive, a male has to be masculine, confident, and dominant by
expanding
his body and moving
spontaneously
and
proudly
. To make his woman feel attractive, he has to be
curious
and
protective
, which demonstrates both his charm and responsibility. He must do all this while remaining
cool
, to show that he is comfortable himself, but also confident and charming, by not desperately clinging to women.

You will find that the body language I describe in this chapter is quite natural. For instance,
all
young children sit and stand with great posture, their backs are always straight, their heads are balanced perfectly on the tip of their spine, they look fearlessly into other people’s eyes, they approach strangers without inhibition, and they move without hesitation. They act this way not because they have been told to do so, as this is before they are old enough to understand verbal language, but because what we call
good
posture is just natural posture. However, as children become more and more socialized, their body language deteriorates. Their posture falters, their heads fall forward, their eyes become lowered, etc. They are told to make room for others on the bus, not to stare, not to put their feet on the table, not to talk to strangers, and to cower over a non-ergonomically designed school desk while sitting on a cheap chair with no lower back support every single day for a decade.

EXPANDING

As a male, you should expand your body. This means that you should spread out, keep your knees far apart, keep your elbows far apart, and keep your hands far apart. This presentation is masculine; as it
exposes
the most vulnerable body parts — the chest, wrists, and genitalia — it clearly demonstrates that you have a pair of balls between your legs that you would crush otherwise, plus it is dominant to take up more physical space. Women do the exact opposite; they contract their bodies because it is feminine to
cover
oneself, as it signals that they are more vulnerable, that they are submissive, and that they have no testicles between their legs. They tend to contract their bodies by keeping their knees together, by standing with their feet close together, or by sitting with one leg crossed over the other, and they take up even less space by
intentionally sitting in corners, sometimes pressing against the window of buses and trains or at the far end of benches.

Women also usually keep their elbows close to their waist instead of sticking them out, which is quite apparent in the way they carry their purses. Typically they do so by sticking their arms through the handles and clutching the bag close to their bodies, or by bending their arm 90 degrees and hanging their bag over it instead of grabbing the handles with their hand.

Anyone who contracts his or her body will seem more feminine — more vulnerable, more afraid, and more submissive. They will communicate that they lack masculinity, confidence, and dominance. The lack of these traits makes
females
appear more attractive. However, it does not make males appear more attractive, but less so.

When
males
do it, they seem gay. Those males who typically and intentionally use contracted body language are usually homosexual, and that is probably how you have been able to guess their sexual orientation right away, even from afar. We effortlessly spot these particular males by the way they move and gesture, because they copy women’s body language, especially by keeping their knees close to each other and their elbows close to their waists, often gesturing exaggeratedly by waving their arms around while still keeping their elbows tucked in.

When males move like women, we instantly pick up on it, and many people treat those who do very differently
solely
on their different appearance. Being aware of this fact is a good way to really understand that the way we use our bodies (including our tone of voice, how we sit, the way we walk and gesture, etc.) instantly alters other people’s perception of us and that altered perception alone is enough for others to treat us differently, sometimes even stirring up strong emotions of love or hate.

Most heterosexual males have masculine body language, but to different degrees, just like most heterosexual females have feminine body language to different degrees. The women who are the most attractive are the ones who not only have the best bodies, but also have the most feminine body language, which accentuates their female bodies.