The Map of True Places (31 page)

M
ATTEI CALLED AND ASKED
Zee to meet her for lunch at Kelly's in Revere.

“I can come in to Boston,” Zee said.

“I'll meet you halfway,” Mattei said.

 

T
HEY SAT IN THE PAVILION
and looked out at the ocean.

“Want some?” Mattei asked, offering a bite of her roast-beef sandwich. Zee had ordered fried clams and was waiting for the order to be called.

“I know you love Kelly's, but what's the real reason you wanted to meet me here?” Zee asked.

“We had a visit from Adam the other day,” Mattei said.

Zee stared at her. “Adam was at the office?”

“He didn't come in when I was there, but he evidently gave our new receptionist a scare, saying you'd have to answer for what you'd done to Lilly. I've alerted both the Marblehead and the Boston police.”

Zee stared at her.

“I don't think he'll bother us again,” Mattei said. “But I think it would be better if you stayed away from the office for a while.”

“And here I was afraid you were about to fire me for being away
for so long.” Zee was trying to keep her tone light, but she was having a hard time of it.

“No such luck,” Mattei said. “So how's Finch doing on the new meds?” she asked.

“Besides trying to drown himself in the harbor, you mean?” Zee replied.

“How's he doing now that he's been on them for two full weeks?” Mattei asked.

“Actually, he seems a little bit better,” Zee said.

“And what about you, my friend?”

“I'm fine.”

“Yeah,” Mattei said. “You look fine.”

Zee tried to smile.

“Are you going to tell me what else is bothering you, or do I have to ask you pointed questions? You know I'll get it out of you eventually. I'm even more pushy as a friend than as a therapist.”

Mattei listened while Zee told her the story of Hawk, the whole story: from the dream to her walk to the
Friendship,
to the night on the island, to pulling Finch out of Salem Harbor and their breakup.

“Interesting,” Mattei said.

“Textbook,” Zee said.

“In what way?”

“Isn't it obvious?”

“Enlighten me,” Mattei said.

“The unfulfilled dreams of the mother. I'm acting out my mother's story,” Zee said.

“Her story, maybe. I don't know if it was her unfulfilled dream.”

“Of course it was,” Zee said.

“It's a pretty dark story,” Mattei said. “Not the part you've been acting out, but the rest of it.” Mattei thought about it for a minute. “I would have thought that your mother's unfulfilled dream was rescue. First by a man, and later, when it was clear that it wasn't going to work out, by you.”

Zee just stared at her.

“Any chance you just really like this guy?”

Zee sat silent.

“It's okay if you do,” she said. “I never thought you were right for Michael.”

“You were the one who fixed me up with Michael,” Zee said.

“That was before I knew you very well.”

Zee was frustrated. “Were you ever going to tell me that?”

“Of course not. And remember, you and Michael were speeding down the track to marital bliss. I wasn't going to derail that based on a vague hunch. But now that you've split up, I'd urge you to consider the opposite.”

“What are you saying?” Zee asked.

“I'm asking you to consider what
you
want for a change. You have a pattern of doing what is expected of you, what other people want you to do. It's not an unusual pattern for women, but it's more extreme in your case, first with your parents, then Michael, and even with me, with this job. You go along and go along, but then you begin to act out. Stealing boats, sabotaging your wedding plans, not telling me everything about Lilly Braedon. All little acts of rebellion that lead to big consequences you blame yourself for. But I would argue that the acting-out part might just be a natural aspect of you that needs expression. You were a pretty willful kid, from the stories you told me. You did what you wanted until events in the family changed the situation. Then you stopped choosing things for yourself and just did what you thought other people wanted you to do. Until now. This time you mutually initiated the relationship. That might not mean it's the right relationship for you, but it does indicate a change.”

“Doesn't it occur to you that maybe I didn't choose, that I was just acting out my mother's story?” Zee said, frustrated.

“I don't think so,” Mattei said.

“It matches.”

“It seems to match by coincidence. You didn't
ask
Hawk to climb up the side of the building, or to let you into a house you'd locked yourself out of.”

“I knew he could climb.”

“You didn't go to the
Friendship
that first time looking for him. You went to Mickey looking for a carpenter. Again coincidence.”

“On some level I must be playing out the story. The one my mother wrote and that the psychic told her belonged to me,” Zee said.

“Is that how you feel?” Mattei asked.

“It's what I sometimes think.”

“I'm not talking about thinking, I'm talking about feeling,” Mattei said.

“I don't know what I feel,” Zee said.

“Sure you do.”

“I feel that there's something wrong with this whole scenario, but I don't know what it is,” Zee said.

“Stick with that.”

“My Aunt Ann told me to watch out for Hawk, that he's not who I think he is,” Zee said.

“Ann the witch?” Mattei made a face. “Psychics, witches…”

“Good point.”

Zee went back to her original statement. “I
feel
that there's something wrong here, but I don't know what it is.”

“It's uncomfortable for you,” Mattei said.

“Yes.”

“Why do you think it's uncomfortable?” Mattei asked.

“Because I can't figure out who he is,” Zee said.

“What do you mean by who he is?”

“I can't figure out what he wants. I mean, besides the obvious,” Zee said.

“And can you usually figure out what people want?”

“Probably not,” Zee said. “I'm not sure anymore.”

Mattei nodded. She paused for a moment before continuing. “I think what's uncomfortable for you is not this guy. Let's set him aside for a minute. I think what's getting to you is not that you can't figure out Hawk's motivation, but that you can't figure out your own. You just broke off an engagement. You're faced with caring for an ailing father. You started something up with someone new. In every scenario you have to think about what you want, and it makes you very uncomfortable. Because you don't
know
what you want. How could you? For a long time you've been doing what other people wanted. So when you actually wanted Hawk, it was a first. It doesn't really matter how authentic the relationship is, or where it goes. What matters is that you went after something that
you
wanted, and then you couldn't handle it.”

Zee sat for a very long time. “You're right. ‘Simple, simple, case closed,'” she said, quoting Mattei.

“You, my friend, are far from simple.” Mattei smiled.

Zee tried to smile.

“Of course there's another possibility we've neglected to talk about,” Mattei said.

Zee was surprised. Mattei had so clearly nailed it that there didn't seem to be any other possibility. “What's that?”

“There's the possibility that the psychic your mother dragged you to was right, that the story Maureen wrote was really your destiny. That you and Hawk were the young lovers in the story.”

Zee stared at her. Never in all her time with Mattei had she heard anything so out of character. “You don't believe that for a minute,” Zee said.

Mattei threw her a “gotcha” smile. “Of course I don't.”

Z
EE DIDN'T KNOW HOW
she felt about her lunch with Mattei.

She was tense and confused. Still, she knew that something had changed. She felt the way people often feel immediately after a breakthrough in treatment, more at odds and more vulnerable than ever.

And, if the truth were known, all she could think about was Hawk.

It took several days before she decided to do something about it. She was hoping the urge to see him would go away. Or that he would call. When neither of those things happened, she decided she had go to him.

She was nervous boarding his boat. What was she going to say to him? That she'd made a mistake? She wasn't altogether sure that she had. But the fact was, she wanted to see him again.

She let herself onto the boat and started down the steps when she came face-to-face with Hawk's friend Josh. She recognized him from the
Friendship.

“Is Hawk here?” she asked.

“No,” Josh said. “He quit. He rented me his boat for the rest of the season.”

“Do you have any idea where he is?”

“I know,” Josh said. “But I'm not so sure he wants me to tell you.”

“Please,” she said. “I really need to talk to him.” She took a breath and tried to compose herself. “I made a mistake.”

He thought about it. He looked around and found the address. Still skeptical, he copied it down and handed it to her.

“Thank you,” she said.

 

A
S SHE DROVE TO
M
ARBLEHEAD,
she tried to figure out what to say. He had every right to hate her, but she hoped he didn't. Maybe she would say that, she thought. She tried to figure out what she wanted from the relationship, but it was too early to know. If he asked her, she'd have to admit she had no idea. All she knew was that she couldn't stand the prospect of never seeing him again.

His apartment was on a busy part of Pleasant Street. She couldn't find a parking space on the right side of the street, so she turned around in the bank's parking lot and parked in front of the Spirit of '76 Bookstore. She waited for the light, then crossed in front of the Rip Tide and walked down a few houses until she found the number Josh had written on the paper. There was a seamstress shop on the first floor of the building and an outside staircase leading to an apartment on the second floor. Hawk's van was in the driveway. The upstairs windows were open. He was home.

She told herself to calm down as she climbed the stairs and rang the bell. The name on the mailbox read
MOHAWK
.

She couldn't tell if the doorbell had rung—she couldn't hear it. She waited. When no one came to the door, she decided to knock. Her heart was pounding.

Hawk opened the door and stared at her. “What are you doing here?”

“May I come in?”

He held the door open, and she walked into the room.

“I went to your boat…. You weren't there.” It was probably the stupidest thing she had ever said.

He looked at her. He said nothing.

“I'll go, if you want.”

“No,” he said. “Just give me a minute.” He walked to the other room and finished a phone call. “Have a seat,” he said, gesturing to a plush green couch against the back wall.

She took a seat. The couch was more comfortable than it looked. She sank into it. She sat there, looking around the room, surprised by how familiar it seemed to her, how it made her feel. Though she was nervous about what she was going to say to him, she felt something different here. Safe, she thought.

A few minutes later, he came back and took a seat across from her in a straight chair that looked anything but comfortable.

“I wanted to apologize,” she said.

“You don't need to,” he said, shrugging it off.

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He looked at her.

“I'm really sorry,” she said.

“Okay,” he said.

She had no idea what to say next. She looked around the room. “I feel as if I've been here before,” she said. Then she searched for something else to say. “I thought you lived on the Salem Harbor side of town.”

“I grew up there. My mother lives there now.”

She nodded. “I have the weirdest feeling I've been here before.”

“So you came all the way over here just to tell me you've been here before?”

“I came to apologize.”

“No need,” he said again.

“You want me to leave?”

“I don't know what I want,” he said.

“I don't know what I want either,” she said.

They sat for a long time. “I'm lying,” she said. “I do know.”

“And what is that?”

“I want to see you again.”

“You sure about that?”

“I'm not sure about anything,” she said. “I'm just trying to go with my feelings here. Forgive me, it's all rather new.”

A sound from outside interrupted the conversation: something slamming, metal on metal followed by the sound of breaking glass. Hawk rushed to the window. “Damn,” he said, running to the door. “What the hell are you doing?” he yelled down the stairs.

“Stay here!” he yelled back at Zee as he rushed down the front stairs.

By the time Zee got to the doorway, Hawk had someone pinned against the van. His passenger-side window was smashed, and his tools were scattered in the driveway. A crowd from the Rip Tide was gathering to watch.

Her heart began to pound, and she had to hold on to the doorframe to fight the dizzy feeling that was overtaking her.

The soothing music from the ballet school across the street was the wrong sound track for what was happening in the driveway.

Hawk released the man he had pinned against the car.

The man cursed. “You owe me a fucking hammer,” he said, swiping one out of Hawk's tool kit and starting down the driveway.

“Nice,” Hawk said. “Very civilized.”

As the man left the driveway, he paused and looked up at Zee.

It was Adam.

He spotted her before she had a chance to step back into the shadows. He stared up at her, then looked at Hawk. Then he started to laugh. “That fucking figures,” he said, slamming the hammer against the side of Hawk's van as hard as he could, leaving a huge dent in the door. He looked up at Zee one more time and pointed the hammer at her to make sure she had understood the threat. Before Hawk had a chance to get to him again, he was out of the driveway.

Hawk rushed up the stairs. “Are you okay?”

Zee nodded, stunned.

“He knows you,” he said.

“He came to my office and made some threats,” she said.

“His name is Adam.”

Hawk looked at her strangely. “His name is Roy,” he said.

She looked at him. “What?”

“
My
name is Adam.”

 

T
HE GREEN COUCH. THE SIGN
in the window. The music from the ballet school across the street. The safe feeling she'd had a few minutes ago, the one she realized now had been the feeling of safety that Lilly had described when she talked about this room, had completely disappeared. Safe was the last thing she was feeling now.