The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (11 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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(5.2) Divergent Sex Ranks Lead To Relationship Failure

 

For both genders, the sexual competition to be at the top of the pecking order never stops. A woman who was an 8 at age twenty-three when she married, but then packs on the pounds, smokes, drinks and generally ages very badly may turn into a worn out 3 by age forty. A women who was a 4 at age twenty-three may lose some weight, get her teeth fixed, dress better, exercise consistently and advance a career, and turn into a solid 5 by age forty. It’s all about your sexiness relative to the average sexiness of your gender regardless of your age. In terms of raw sex appeal, it takes a beautiful forty-year-old woman to match a quite plain twenty-year-old woman.
If the Sex Rank within a couple starts to diverge, then stress is placed on the couple. Consider what would happen if two 6s marry and the woman becomes health focused and dresses to impress consistently, and blossoms into a 7. At the same time her husband starts as a 6 and then struggles to work and turns into a couch potato, hits 350 pounds and falls to a 2. What was a balanced male 6 to female 6 relationship is now a badly imbalanced male 2 to female 7 relationship. No one is going to be surprised when the woman falls for another man that is a 7 and leaves her husband without much fanfare.

 

As a critical point - the more divergent the Sex Rank, the greater the relationship stress. A male 5 with a female 6 relationship may be an "imperfect marriage” but can survive if the couple has a strong moral basis. A male 4 with a female 6 marriage is likely to just fold, or be only tolerable to the wife if she has affairs on the side. A male 3 with a female 6 relationship is doomed, as other men will brazenly approach the wife for a relationship knowing they are far more attractive than the husband.

 

One of the classic examples of divergent Sex Rank leading to relationship failure is when a wife suddenly starts aggressively working out and makes serious progress towards weight loss. As the weight loss is progressing the husband is usually excited and acts as a cheerleader for her…after all, he’s getting a sexier wife because of it. But when the weight loss gets coupled with a new hairstyle, sexier clothes and perfect makeup, she starts pulling the attention of men with a higher Sex Rank than her husband. Once she makes a serious connection with one of them, she announces to her husband that
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you”,
right before she leaves him.
(5.3) Displays of Low and High Value

 

A Display of Low Value (DLV) is any display of behavior that would indicate that the male has a low Sex Rank, or would indicate that he should now be perceived as having a lower Sex Rank. A male DLV can be a display of lack of income, bad dressing, physical weakness, social clumsiness and fear. A male performing a DLV reduces sexual interest in observing females. For a female, a DLV is looking bad.

 

A Display of High Value (DHV) is any display of behavior that would indicate that the person has a high Sex Rank, or would indicate that he should now be perceived as having a higher Sex Rank. A male DHV for a male can come from such things as a display of wealth, good dressing, physical fitness, achievement, social skills or dominance. A
male performing a DHV is what creates sexual interest in observing females. For a female, a DHV is looking hot.
(5.4) Preselection

 

Female Sex Rank as I have said is fairly quickly assessed; most men can assess a woman’s physical sexiness in less than two seconds simply by looking her over. It takes far longer for a woman to assess a man’s Sex Rank as unless he hands her his resume, she would have little idea about his earning power, social status and occupation. So as a time-saving measure to fill in the blanks, women rely on the prior assessments made by other women of the quality of the man. This is the Preselection effect that I covered in the Alpha Trait chapter and as it’s a key effect on Sex Rank it is worth returning to it for a moment.

 

A woman looking at a man standing by himself sees
just a man
. A woman looking at a man standing with another woman sees a man who has enough latent attraction to pull the interest of another woman, so she assumes he has some additional value. A woman looking at a man surrounded by women sees a man that has attracted multiple women and
she just assumes
he must have very high value.

 

Having women with a high Sex Rank being interested in you adds greater fuel to the Preselection effect. A quite unattractive appearing man with highly attractive women hanging on him would still be perceived as highly attractive to other women looking at him.

 

Preselection is a very strong effect and confusing to many men. It’s often surprising to newly married men how frequently women approach them or show greater interest in them now that they are married. The explanation is simple, before they had a girlfriend, but now that they have a wife, they have greater evidence of Preselection and hence greater pull on female sexual interest.

 

Using Preselection does lend itself to dark tactics. A husband who can clearly pull the attention of other women will demonstrate a high Sex Rank to his wife. She may be acutely unhappy that he can do so, but she will nevertheless be highly emotionally engaged with the obvious Preselection her husband is achieving.

 

(5.5) Female Sex Rank Is More Fluid

 

Because so much of a woman’s Sex Rank is appearance based, it’s possible for her to swing her Sex Rank up and down on a day to day basis. Tabloids love showing glamorous movie stars all dressed down and without makeup. What looks like a perfect 10 on the big screen suddenly looks like a frumpy 5 trying to nip into a convenience store for cigarettes in stained sweatpants.

 

The other way a woman can alter her Sex Rank is by increasing and decreasing her sexual response. Men have markedly reduced sexual interest in women who dislike or respond poorly to sex. So a woman who clearly sends out the vibe that she has low sexual interest will reduce her Sex Rank. The opposite is also true and if she makes it clear that she likes sex and has a high sex drive, she will increase her Sex Rank.

 

Within a marriage the frequency of sex acts is a primary measure of sexual interest. Simply turning up the sexual response can net a woman an extra 1to 2 points at will. The same woman who is a 6 with sex once or twice a month becomes a 7 when she ups it to once or twice a week, and becomes an 8 at being willing whenever hubby wants it. It may only be his perception of her Sex Rank – others may see a 6 or a 7, but if he’s being laid like tile he probably sees her as an 8.

 

Once you throw in effort with clothing and general fitness, the ability of a woman to swing her Sex Rank up and down can become quite impressive. A female 6 can probably turn herself into a 4 just by dressing badly and holding out on sex, and turn herself into an 8 by sexing it up with her dressing and being playful good fun in the sack on a frequent basis.

 

(5.6) Male Sex Rank is More Stable and Can Grow Over Time

 

A man on the other hand, has sexiness based on factors that are harder to develop and maintain. Since these factors are external and social status based, there is more effort involved to perform them. Men get Sex Rank points for stuff like becoming a lawyer, or earning $100,000 a year. But if a woman puts on a red dress and announces she wants to be ridden hard she gets lots of male attention instantly. In the last few decades the physical appearance of men has become more of a factor as has the wealth and status of women, but overall the stereotypes still hold.

 

Men tend to have a particular Sex Rank and then have to work extremely hard or totally slack off to change their number. A guy might go from a 7 to a 9 by becoming a doctor, but that takes seven years of work and usually a mountain of debt. A woman might do the same simply by hitting the gym hard for a few months, wearing makeup with more finesse and showing a little more skin. What a woman can achieve with a dazzling red dress, men can only achieve with a Ferrari.

 

The good news for men, though, is that once they attain Sex Rank positive factors they tend not to lose value over time. If you’ve created a large business that influences your Sex Rank positively, unless that business folds you’re going to maintain that Sex Rank. Women however are slowly going to lose Sex Rank with the fading of their beauty and once out of their fertile years their Sex Rank will plummet even further.
(5.7) Female Calibration to Male

 

Women's sexual activity can increase or decrease based on their attraction to a male. So the same woman "with a low sex drive" with her low Sex Rank husband might suddenly discover her “sex drive just increased somehow" if Brad Pitt started asking to screw her.

 

For men complaining about wives who have low sexual interest in them, some of that drop in her sexual interest may reflect the drop in the husband’s Sex Rank. He got fat, or laid off, or sick, or weak and he’s less attractive to her, so her sexual activity with him drops.

 

The woman will generally tend towards calibrating herself to the man's Sex Rank. So a female 6 with a male 8 will "turn it on" and spruce up to her best and find that she feels horny. But stick the same female with a male 4, and she'll "turn it off" and just feel a low libido. It’s important to note that this calibration is unconscious in nature and she is likely unaware of her behavior changing. Of course if she does become conscious of her behavior changing towards her husband, her Rationalization Hamster will come up with several perfectly good reasons for it. Something like being unhappy with his inability to stack the dishwasher right, thus ruining her mood for the evening would be ideal.

 

(5.8) Orbiters

 

Often high Sex Rank people attract large numbers of people to themselves, and often those that are attracted have a lower Sex Rank. An Orbiter is someone that has a low Sex Rank who attaches themselves to a higher Sex Rank person of the opposite sex, in vain hopes that they will one day return their sexual interest in them. They rarely do.

 

A nice example of orbiting is Taylor Swift's
"You Belong With Me.”

 

“
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time”

 

In the song the cheerleader girlfriend is a 10 and the focus of the song is the boy who is probably an 8. As he is two ranks below the cheerleader girl, she craps all over him in their relationship. He's crazy about her, but it's just painfully one-sided. The boy is supposedly the cheerleader’s boyfriend, but she treats him as her Orbiter.

 

Taylor's character in the song is a 6, and she’s just crazy about the boy who is an 8. Unfortunately she has about as much chance with him as he has with the cheerleader. Consequently he craps all over her by not even realizing she could have feelings for him, and simply uses her to prop him up to sustain the emotional battering he gets from the cheerleader. Taylor’s character is the Orbiter of the boy.

 

Of course all three of them have no way of knowing that high school Sex Rank doesn't always equal real world adult Sex Rank... but try telling teenagers that.

 

(5.9) Individualized Sex Rank via Biology

 

This is all very unromantic, but there is at least one special exception that does seem romantic with Sex Rank. We’ve all experienced meeting a lot of what appear to be very similar people with the same general attractiveness, but sometimes individual people stand out from the crowd and just hold our attention.

 

A whole team of people might agree that ten women standing in a line are all a 7, and you might agree. Except one of those ten women just doesn’t seem like a 7, well objectively yes, you can see a 7, but you can’t really look at her objectively…
there’s just something about her…
to you she’s a
de facto
9.

 

What’s happening in these cases is that there is an unconscious awareness of a positive match up of each other’s DNA for making healthy babies together. There have been studies done showing that women can assess a man’s immune system compatibly with hers by sense of smell. Women can literally sniff out good mates. Among other things, this sense of genetic compatibility is a trigger to experiencing feelings of being in love.

 

As an example of this effect, let’s look at my wife. Jennifer is very pretty, but very short and as a rule I didn’t really feel attracted to short women before I was married. I really strongly preferred women in the 5'7" to 5'9" range and Jennifer is just 5'0". (Step stools are a sex toy at our place... true story) Also she is a brunette and I have a strong preference for blondes. As an aside she had bleached blonde hair when I met her and I was totally unaware of this when I asked her to marry me. Thankfully she highlights it blonde still and it’s a point of humor for us now.

 

On an objective level, I would peg Jennifer as a natural 8, but
I experience her
as sexier than that. I can’t “just cuddle” in bed for example. Oh I can try and “just cuddle”, and I really do mean to just cuddle and we start off just cuddling… but I’m pretty soon doing the “rearrangement dance” and then I'm lightly glazing her ass with pre-cum as we spoon. Then she starts giggling and yada yada yada you’re welcome baby… you are welcome. I can't help it with her. She just smells so damn good.

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