The Mason List (17 page)

Jess
smirked at me, “Why do you always have to be such a pain in my ass?” 

“Let me
go!”

“If
you’re so bored, I should haul you right back over there and toss you in the
pond.  Let you dig ‘till you find my phone.”

“You
wouldn't!” I spat, feeling a little panicked.  He
would
do something
that crazy, thinking it was so damn funny.  I tried to pull a leg free only to
have it pinned down by his thigh.  I looked back up and tried to reason.
“Besides, it’s not like it’s still gonna work.”

“I might
do it anyway, just to watch you in that nasty water,” he smiled an evil grin,
his eyebrows arched over his eyes.

I stopped
struggling since it was pointless to fight one of his vice grips.  Instead, I
mustered up a pathetic, sad look to plead for some mercy. 

“Jess,
I'm really sorry.  It was an accident.”

“An
accident?”  He leaned a little closer with his ornery smile.  Jess was enjoying
the fact he could still torment me.

“Yes,
please…I’m sorry.”

Jess
leaned a little closer, then in the space of a nanosecond, ten years of
friendship changed forever.  The grin disappeared as I felt his pink lips. 
They pressed softly against mine.  As quickly as they touched, he pulled back. 

I could
barely breathe.  Jess remained still; his face displayed a hesitant, uncertain
look.  His black hair fell slightly over one eye but he didn’t move to brush it
away.  I knew he was waiting for my reaction to this sudden event that
petrified us both.

My mind
screamed at my lips to say something.  I needed to stop this before it became
something it could never be for us.  Yet, I froze.  My arms didn’t push back.  
My mind didn’t stop the thoughts that tumbled from a dark, hidden place.  No,
instead I stayed completely still as my non-reaction gave Jess the answer to
his nervous, unspoken question.

Slowly he
leaned down, never taking his blue eyes off mine.  His bottom lip touched first
and my eyes closed.  Jess kissed me slowly.  His lips were soft and warm and
tasted sweet.  I stopped breathing all together as he pushed my mouth open with
his tongue.  I forgot I was in the meadow.  I forgot the sun burned down from the
sky.

His
kisses trailed over my cheek and down my throat.  The soft lips touched my bare
skin in the neckline of my tank top.  My heart pounded in my chest as I tried
to catch my breath.  Leaning up, Jess looked at me again.  The blue eyes seemed
darker and a little nervous.  He didn’t get that way very often.  He ran his
hand over my stomach and hesitated before he touched my breast.  My cheeks were
already red, or I would have turned deep crimson.  Jess leaned in, kissing me
softly before slipping his tongue back in my mouth.

He moved
his hand under my gray tank top and across my bare stomach.  I got all warm and
tingly as his fingers skimmed the lace trim of my bra.  I wanted him to take it
off.  I wanted his mouth to kiss me there too.  My heart beat under the palm of
his hand as he touched me through the fabric.  His hand slipped around to my
back and fumbled with the clasp.

Jess
will see me naked. 
The
thought flashed from somewhere in my subconscious. 
What am I doing!
 
The remnants of sanity pulled themselves out of the ditch.  I needed to stop
this.  My palms touched each side of his cheeks, pulling his face from my
body. 

“We
really can't do this,” I whispered, our faces only an inch apart.

“It's
ok.”  His voice was a little deeper than usual.  “We don't have to do anythin’
right now.  I don't want to have sex with you.  No…I mean I do want to have
sex, but that's not what I'm tryin’ to do right now.  Shit, I’m screwin’ this
all up.”

“No, it’s
not that…it’s just… we can’t do this…this…you and me.”

“What are
you sayin’, Al?”

I still
had my hands on his cheeks as I stared into his sweet face.  Leaning forward,
his lips brushed mine again.  He pulled back just enough to look in my eyes. 

“We have
to talk, Jess.”

“I don’t
wanna talk.”  He kissed me harder that time, and I let him.  I let myself feel
his lips again for just a few minutes then I pulled his face back up.  His eyes
were a deep, dark blue as he gazed back at me.  Jess rolled off of me and
stretched out on the meadow grass.  Reaching over, he grabbed my hand, playing
with my fingers.  I couldn’t think straight.  The intensity of his last kiss
had left me breathless. 

“Al, I
know this is….I know it’s complicated.”

“It’s
more than complicated.  I grew up here…and your family…this can’t happen between
us.  It’s…
me
.  You…you don’t even know what you’re doing.”

He let
out a deep breath. “That’s not true.  I’ve felt this way for a while.”

“You've
felt this way for a while?  How long?”

“I don't
know.  Maybe since we were fourteen.”

Fourteen?
  My heart might have actually
skipped a beat.  This wasn’t good. 

“I think
that’s ‘bout the time I realized you had boobs.” 

“You
can’t be serious.”

“I’m
serious.  And to be honest, it started before then.  I just didn’t understand
what I felt for you.”

“But you
dated Ashley…you
had sex
with Ashley?”

Jess
rubbed his forehead, which I knew meant he was stressed.  “You want the truth? 
I dated Ashley as more of a distraction.  I didn’t know what to do with how I
felt ‘bout you.  I was a stupid kid.  It’s not like I could talk to you.  I
wanted to tell you but honestly, I didn’t know how to even bring it up.  And
with Gentry, I knew you’d never do anythin’ with him.  It killed me to see you
together, but I knew it wouldn’t last.  So I waited.”

“Waited
for what exactly?  For some moment to just go for it and catch me off guard?” 
My thoughts were jumbled.  My world just changed forever with him and I
couldn’t even think straight.  My lips still burned from kissing him, from
kissing
Jess
.

He placed
my hand on his chest, right over his heart.  It was beating fast under his
shirt.  “I’m scared too, Al.”

I
couldn’t breathe.  He felt warm under my hand.   I couldn’t think about
anything else but touching his body again.  Sitting up, I moved a little away
from him.  Jess watched me for a moment, and then got up next to me. 

I took a
few deep breaths and fought to get a grasp on the situation.  He reached up and
touched my face, making me look at him.  “It’s ok.”

“No…
no
…it’s
not.”

“I’ve
thought ‘bout it a lot you know.  You just look so pretty sometimes.  I would
watch you when you weren’t lookin’.  Sometimes, I would imagine what it would
be like to kiss you.”   His fingers ran through my long red strands of hair. 
“I think ‘bout all of it, you know.  You and me, being here together.  It’s
always been you, Alex.  It’s what I’ve always wanted.”

“You
can't be thinking about me,” I whispered.

“Why
not?”

“Jess…you
just can't.  Not like that.”  I turned to look into his blue eyes trying to
reason with him.  “We are just comfortable together.  Familiar.  I understand. 
It can get confusing.  But that’s all it is.  You don't really
want me.
”

“No, I do
want you.  That's the thing.  I see you every day.  I know you better than
anyone else.”  His index finger brushed across my cheekbone then trailed down
my neck to my shoulder. 

“You see
these…I’ve watched every one of these freckles form on your skin.  You have ‘em
from all the time we spent here together.  And I know in here.”   His hand
moved to rest lightly across the top of my left breast.  “I know that you hate
those freckles.  And you’re afraid to cry because you see it as a weakness. 
And I know you look at me different than you do anyone else.”

“Jess…” 
I moved his hand off my chest.

“I know
you feel somethin’ for me.  What just happened was enough to prove it.  You
kissed me back, Al.  You let me touch you and I know you liked it.  But I know
it’s scarin’ you too.”

He
stopped talking.  I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to argue back or wait for all
his words to sink into my thoughts.  I knew he would never understand why this
couldn't happen.  The tension in my brain suffocated me. 

I was
vaguely aware of how damaged I was compared to most other girls.  I had years
and years of mental anguish caused by the death of a parent and losing one’s
financial freedom.  I was a homeless street urchin that became a walking,
talking, bought-and-paid-for Mason charity project.  My future hinged not on a
romantic relationship with Jess, but a college education provided by his
parents.  The debt I owed this family was so big.  I couldn’t take the most
precious thing from their lives.  No matter what I felt, I would never take
their son.

Turning
away from him, I couldn’t look in his eyes.  Being with Jess meant too many
things.  Between his family and my past, he deserved better than me.  I bit
down hard on my lip trying to squash back the sudden rush of emotions.

“Al, it’s
ok.  I know this is a lot to process.  I know how you’re feelin’.  I don't even
have to look to know that you got that lip of yours clenched right now.  It's
why I've never done anythin’ 'bout how I felt.  I knew you’d do this.  It would
freak you out.”

Jess
pulled my chin around so he could watch my face.  His finger pulled my lip out
from my tight clenched teeth.   His eyebrows stayed knitted up in a look of
concern.  I could tell his mind was trying to pry into my confused thoughts. 

“Alex,
I’m not sorry for finally kissin’ you.  I know it scares you and sets off one
of those internal arguments.  I see it goin’ on right now inside of your
head.   You need some time to think ‘bout it.   I understand.  I’m scared too,
but I know I’m right ‘bout us,” he smiled.   “I won’t kiss you again until it’s
your idea.  I promise.  I want this to be one hundred percent from you.  We’ve
got somethin’ that people look for their whole lives.  We just found it when we
were eight.  Because of that, I can wait a little bit longer.”

“I don't
want you waiting on me,” I whispered.

“You
don't really got a choice in that.  Actually, I believe a little in fate.” 

“Fate…is
just wishful thinking.”

“For a
girl who wishes on stars, you just don’t get it.  I’m tryin’ to say some things
are just meant to be.”  His fingers touched each side of my cheeks again. 
“Alex, I. . .”  My hand flew up to his lips.  My fingers pressed hard, stopping
the words.

“No,” I
sputtered as the air evaporated from my lungs.  I could not allow Jess to say
it.  My breathing got a little ragged.  Jess kissed my fingers, and I yanked
them off of his lips.   “I think we need a little space.”  I managed to get the
words out.  The nerves in my stomach kicked in and bile trickled up in my
throat.

“Ok,” he
nodded.

We both
got up and the awkward tension crackled through the air.   I took in a quick
breath in my nose and let it out slowly. 

“Jess…  I
care about you.  Please know that.  You mean more to me than anyone else.  But
I can't promise anything.  We are only eighteen.  You’ve never even left here. 
You don’t know what you want yet.  I don’t know what I want yet.  Away from
here, Jess.  Austin is going to be so different than Arlis…and it’s just the
beginning for me.  I may stay in Texas or I might leave.  See the world.  Do
something on my own.  I don't want to hold you to anything.  It's going to be
tough out there.  We are going to need each other.  But as friends, Jess.  Just
friends.
  Anything else could jeopardize that.  I don't want to lose you
over it.”

“You
won't lose me.   I promise.  You’re the most import person in my life.  Always
will be.”

“Always
in a long time, Jess.  A lot could happen.”

“Nothin’
could happen that would be big enough to change it.  Sometimes I feel growin’
up together, there’s a little piece of you that grew inside of me.  I couldn’t
leave you if I tried.”

I stared
into his sweet face and saw the same one I met in the hallway all those years
ago.  I knew him better than anyone and he knew me just the same.  I needed
that boy, and he only needed
that
girl.  All this talk would fade in the
shadows once he went to college, and met a campus full of beautiful and
rich
girls.  Jess would understand and be grateful that I stopped a potentially
embarrassing accident today.  He would find someone worthy of those words; a
girl who wasn’t his family’s pet welfare project.

Jess
wrapped his arms around my body.  I froze, feeling his lips next to my ear. 
“Alex… it will happen.  We are supposed to be together.  One day you’ll let me
say those words to you.”  All his fingers stayed in the appropriate places and
then he let me go.  My lungs released a sigh of relief.

I turned away
to keep from seeing the hurt in his blue eyes.  We gathered up the fishing
supplies in silence.  His phone stayed forgotten at the bottom of the pond. 
Every few moments, my eyes darted over at Jess.  His jaw was clenched tight.  I
swallowed hard, knowing it’s the way it had to be for us.  Over time, he would
forget these feelings.