The MC Sinners Series 2 - Heaven's sinners (14 page)

I come across the picture of the three of us, just before Spike slept with me. It was a party; I think it was the first party where they officially got together. I remember how much it hurt. God, it fucking hurt. Nothing in the world feels worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

“Ciara!”

I flinch, and lift my hazy eyes to the front door. Spike. I don’t move, partly because I’m so drunk and I can’t. I don’t drink often, and it’s really not pretty when I do.

“You in there?” he yells again.

Yes, I’m in here. I’m not going to answer though.

“Fuckin’ hell, open up. I can hear the fuckin’ music.”

I still don’t move.

I hear him shuffling about, then I hear his boots crunching as he moves around to the window. Soon, it’s being lifted and he’s climbing in. I burst out into a fit of giggles, even though it’s really not funny. Someone just climbed through my window, with little to no effort.
That’s safe
.

Spike spins when he’s on his feet and stares down at me on the floor, clutching my bottle of vodka. He has a busted eye, and he looks like shit, but his eyes soften a touch when he sees what I’m doing—or maybe I just think they do because I’m so drunk. He walks over, his eyes scanning over the photo album in my lap.

“What’re you doin’, Tom Cat?”

“I had a visitor today,” I slur, sloshing my bottle around as I lift it.

“Give me that bottle,” he says, kneeling down in front of me.

I note how good he looks this evening. He’s wearing his leather jacket; fuck, I love that jacket. I love how it looks stretched across his broad back. He’s wearing a navy blue t-shirt underneath it, and I just bet it’s clinging to his hard body. His black jeans are old and ripped, and he has silver chains hanging off them. Fuck him for being so attractive. When he reaches for my bottle, I jerk it away.

“Ah-ah, mine.”

“You’re fuckin’ smashed. Give me the bottle.”

“You didn’t let me finish.” I wave, and the bottle sloshes about. “Cade came to visit me.”

Spike grinds his jaw. “Give me the fuckin’ bottle.”

“Make me,” I giggle.

He lunges forward, gripping the bottle with one hand and the back of my head with the other. I realize when my back hits the floor; he gripped the back of my head to stop it slamming down. His hard body lands on top of mine, and with a grunt, he tries to prop himself up. He manages to get the bottle standing upright beside us, before turning and glaring down at me.

“You fuckin’ finished?”

“Yeah,” I growl sarcastically. “I’m fuckin’ finished.”

“Smart mouthin’ me ain’t gonna save you, Ciara.”

I snort. “What will save me, biker?”

“Tellin’ me why the fuck you’re drunk as twenty men, yellin’ at photos of your sister.”

“Your wife, you mean?”

He flinches, and his face flashes with hurt and rage. “Enough.”

“Why?” I growl, getting in his face. “Why should I stop going on and on about princess Cheyenne?”

“You’re walkin’ a fine line, Ciara. Ain’t a good idea to talk about my dead wife to me right now, and it sure as shit ain’t a good idea to be smart mouthin’ me when I’m already fuckin’ pissed off.”

“I couldn’t care less how pissed off you are,” I snap. “You’re only here to fuck me, right?”

He doesn’t say anything for a while, and just as I think he’s about to, he lifts himself off me. He gets to his feet, leans down and hurls me up.

“Go and have a shower.”

“No,” I growl.

“You’re fuckin’ drunk, angry, and you need to shower and sleep.”

“Don’t tell me what I need!” I yell, shoving at his chest. “You don’t care what I need.”

“Ain’t discussing this with a drunken, rambling girl!”

“You wouldn’t discuss it with me anyway. You’ve already given me the lowdown! You’ll fuck me, keep me around, you won’t share me, but you’ll never fucking give yourself to me, either. I’m no more than an easy fuck you can keep around. Why bother, Spike? Why don’t you just walk away and never speak to me again?”

“I fuckin’ tried!” he yells, stepping close. “I fuckin’ tried, but you insisted on huntin’ me down and tryin’ to make it better. You wanted my forgiveness so you could move on and be happy again. You were the one who wanted to fuckin’ fix somethin’ that couldn’t be fixed!”

“Then why are you here?” I cry, stumbling backwards. “Why bother?”

“We’re not doin’ this now, Ciara,” he growls, his voice low and deep.

“Yes,” I yell. “We are. You won’t speak to me about this, you just keep shoving me away.”

“Nothin’ to fuckin’ talk about!” he hisses. “Past is the fuckin’ past.”

“Then leave, Spike. I’m done talking to you, and I’m sure as shit done trying to help someone who refuses to let me in.”

“Why do you fuckin’ think that is?” he barks.

I cross my arms, and glare at him. “Oh, now you’re going to talk!”

“You fuckin’ stood in that courtroom, and you fuckin’ brought me down with every scathing word. Then you wondered why I fuckin’ hated you—and fuck, Ciara, I did fuckin’ hate you.”

Ouch. That hurts. It hurts far more than I ever imagined it would. I reel back, and my hand presses to my heart. I struggle to fight with the pain inside me, and I struggle to push it aside to let the anger I know is there through. When it finally shows its face, it’s lethal, mean, and no doubt completely uncalled for.

“She was my fucking sister,” I screech. “She had her fucking brains blown out while she was driving
YOU
to safety. I hated you for that, and I had every right to.”

He jerks and his eyes flare. “You fuckin’ bitch,” he bellows. “You have no fuckin’ idea! I never wanted her in that fuckin’ car.
NEVER
. I wanted that fuckin’ bullet, and I’ve wanted it every day since. You didn’t stand in that courtroom to defend
her
, you did it to get back to me.”

I lunge forward, and I hit him so hard in the jaw that his head spins to the side. He growls, gripping my hands and shoving me up against the wall. My head spins, and I struggle to gather my bearings. We’re both panting, both having gone far and beyond normal retaliation. This is it. The moment we’ve needed to have for so many years now.

“I did hate her,” I scream, shaking. “I did, because she took you. I loved you, and she took you. She went out of her way to take what was mine, and then she rubbed it in my face every fucking day after it.

“Then you fucked me, and god, I thought there was a chance. There was never a chance. Then she died, and I was so angry. I was so angry that you had put her in that position. I was angry at you for even involving yourself in her life, and I was angry that she left behind something so fucking beautiful, broken. She left you broken. She left me broken. And I’ve paid for it ever since.

“I went into that courtroom so ready to make you pay for all the pain left in my life. I never fucking said it was the right thing to do, and I tried to say sorry...”

“The damage was already done,” he growls, his face so close to mine I can smell him and oh, he smells amazing. “You came back, and you fuckin’ broke me. I was grieving, and you took Cade’s side. You took his fuckin’ side because of your anger toward me. You fuckin’ ripped my heart out, and then you fuckin’ stomped on it before shoving it back in my chest and expecting me to be okay with it. I’m not fuckin’ okay with it!”

“I made a mistake,” I throw back. “You, of all people, should understand that. You made a mistake too.”

“Yeah,” he barks. “And no fucker has forgiven me for it, so don’t you fuckin’ stand here wantin’ something that nobody was willin’ to give me when I needed it. You ain’t gettin’ my fuckin’ forgiveness, Ciara, because I don’t fuckin’ have yours.”

He pushes off the wall and turns, storming toward the open bottle of vodka. He grips it off the floor and brings it to his mouth, drinking in long, deep pulls until a good quarter of the bottle is gone.

“I do forgive you,” I say, my voice small and weak.

He spins around and meets my gaze, and my heart begins to thud.

“You forgive me for Cheyenne, but you don’t forgive me for puttin’ my cock inside you and takin’ your innocence.”

I flinch and he snorts. “Yeah, exactly.”

“You haven’t given me a chance to forgive you, because all you’ve done is push me away. Every time I’ve tried to get close, you shove me back.”

“He’s a useless, pathetic biker. He put her in that car. He put her in that position. He’s the reason she’s dead. He should pay, every day of his life for it.”

I jerk violently as he repeats the very words I said the day I stood up in court. Tears burn under my eyelids, and begin streaming down my face. My lip trembles, but I still manage to spit out my next words.

“I fucked up,” I rasp. “I can’t take those words back. I didn’t mean them; you know I didn’t mean them. I have fought to make that up to you, for years I have fought.”

“You nearly put me away. If it wasn’t for my fuckin’ connections, I’d be in jail.”

“I know that! I can’t keep telling you I’m sorry. I can’t live forever trying to make you see that I fucked up, that you were the best thing in my life and I let you walk away.”

His body stiffens, and he begins breathing heavily again. “I heard you, the night of that party all those years ago. I fuckin’ heard you tell Cheyenne she could have me.”

“I know you did,” I whisper.

“I was fuckin’ gutted. You know, as hot as your sister was, I never had any fuckin’ intention of bein’ with her. I wanted one thing, and that was you. I tried, I showed it to you all the fuckin’ time and you couldn’t see it. Then that night, you basically shoved me toward her, and I realized you didn’t want me. I was waiting for nothin’, so I went with her. I fell in love with her, I was happy with her, but she was never fuckin’ you, Ciara. Not even close.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? All those years, and you didn’t say anything.”

His eyes flare, and then soften. “Same goes, Ciara. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I swallow. He’s right. We were both idiots.

“We had a great friendship. I was scared if you didn’t feel the same that I would ruin it.”

He grunts, shaking his head slowly. “Yeah, well, same here.”

I rub my arms. They’re tingling, and my body feels like it might explode with emotion. “I made a mistake, Spike. The day I stood in that courtroom, I made a mistake. I’m sorry,” I pause to take a deep, steady breath. “I know you can’t forgive me, but I’m sorry all the same.”

His eyes soften completely, and for a long moment we just stare at each other. “I’m sorry too, for fuckin’ you the way I did. Never did it right, and I should have. I should have laid you down and made you feel as beautiful as I know you fuckin’ are. You deserved better than what I gave you.”

My lip trembles again, and his gaze softens even more. A glimpse of my Danny shows in his face, and I know we’ve finally cracked through the wall that has built up so thick between us.

“I don’t want to hate you anymore, I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want any of this between us anymore...” I whisper.

“Yeah,” he rasps. “Me either.”

“Can we move on?”

He moves forward until he reaches me. He grips my face and leans down, pressing his lips softly against mine. “Yeah, Tom Cat, we can.”

“What is it exactly we’re doing here?” I dare to ask as he moves his lips down my neck.

“We’re lettin’ life take us where life is gonna take us, and this time, we’re not gonna fuckin’ fight it.”

That sounds fine by me.

Just perfect.

“S
he’s gone, Ciara, and she’s never coming back. It doesn’t matter what you want right now!” my mother yells, her eyes puffy from crying.

My sister has been gone for six weeks, and we’ve been through hell and back, fighting to get Danny put away. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, rolled in the dirt, and ground into a thousand pieces during the last few months, and now my parents are refusing to acknowledge my life. They’re grieving, I get that, but they aren’t even trying to let me move on and find my own life. I wanted help with college, but they are refusing to give me money, blaming me entirely for Cheyenne’s death. It’s my fault that she’s gone, because I was the one who befriended Danny. I ran away, instead of fighting to keep them apart like I should have.

“I can’t keep living like this, Mom. I need a life. I need to get into school and try to create something that resembles some kind of normality.”

“Cheyenne is dead!” she cries. “Dead, because of you and that idiot biker. Now I have to live without her. I can never hold her babies. That was my grandchild inside of her, and now he or she is dead, too. I don’t care about your studies, Ciara. You have the chance to do whatever you want, Cheyenne doesn’t. So go and do it!”

It hurts when your own mother has lost her love for you. It hurts because it’s something that can’t be changed. I was always second to Cheyenne, but now it’s just like I’m in her way.

My father doesn’t speak to me. He just lives in his office. I’m tired of feeling like this all the time. They hate me, and they aren’t going to help me get to where I need to go. This one, I’m going to have to do on my own. I turn to my mother, and meet her puffy gaze. She sniffles, and swipes her fingers under her nose.

“I’m tired of this. It’s clear to me you couldn’t care less about what happens to me, so I’m going to leave. I’ll go and find my own way, because I’m tired of living in Cheyenne’s shadow, when she’s not even alive.”

My mother stands and slaps me so hard I see stars. I grip my cheek, fighting back the hurt and anger.

“How dare you? You always were jealous of her! I can’t believe you would speak about her like that. She loved you, and this is how you honor her memory?”

“She loved herself!” I scream. “She didn’t love me, and neither do you.”

“Don’t be so stupid. I do love you, but I’m not going to coddle you and make you feel better about something that is your doing.”

“How is it my doing?” I cry, trembling. “She threw herself at Danny, it was her choice!”

“I don’t believe that for a second! Not a second! She fell in love with a lie, and got herself trapped. She wanted out. She didn’t want to be there. She told me so. She just couldn’t leave because he got her pregnant.”