The Mechanics of Being Human (9 page)

Bo, Mute, and Zelda sat cramped together in the backseat of the car while Gavin and Fawn sat up front. Trees whooshed by. The air in the car was cool, but the atmosphere was heated. She stared out the window with her lips pursed. The stack of papers she'd found sat on her lap. The anger within her was so intense even the rancid stink of the car didn't bother her.

"So what you're telling me is there are men out to get you because your real father, Jax, is some super genius who invented something nobody has ever seen before?" Gavin raised an eyebrow. "Fawn, I thought you said you were being honest with me. I didn't take you for a liar."

"I'm not lying!" Fawn grabbed his hand. She must have held on too hard, because he winced. "You trust me, don't you? Remember all the odd things that have been happening to me? Waking up in a burning house with no memory is not normal, Gavin."

"I believe you," Zelda whispered from the backseat.

Both Gavin and Fawn turned to glance at her. Mute nodded his head too. For once Bo was silent, his brows furrowed. His face was so red he looked as though his cranium was going to explode under the pressure of the new information.

"Thank you," Fawn said to Zelda.

Zelda nodded, then tugged nervously at her green strand of hair. As Zelda frowned, she nibbled her bottom lip like it was a cracker.

"Did your parents say what the invention was Jax created?" Gavin appeared to be fighting to keep his tone neutral.

"I didn't think to ask." Fawn shrugged. "At the time, I was more concerned about the men trying to kill me and the fact Jax was my real—well,
sort of
real—father to ask. Trust me, I plan to ask them now."

She looked out the window as silence permeated the car.

After a few minutes, though, Bo burst out, "This is so cool! Just like being in an action movie."

Zelda punched Bo in the shoulder. Furious, Bo scowled at her.

****

Gavin pulled his car to the side of the road in front of a fat yellow cottage with faded blue shutters. The house had a dark blue roof, a red door, a white picket fence, and a large lawn dotted with plump yellow dandelions. By all outward appearances, the cottage could have been the home of Average Joe.

Fawn glared at her mom and dad's silver station wagon. Sadness overtook anger as the frontrunner emotion during the last five minutes of the car ride, and she wondered whether she would have the ability to yell like she'd wished to do after discovering the paperwork in the dresser. She looked down.

"How do you want to play this?" Gavin asked. "I can go with you. We all can. Or we can wait in the car for you to come out again."

"Oh, come on," Bo cried. "I want to see what happens."

"This isn't a TV show for your own enjoyment, Bo." Gavin frowned. "This is Fawn's life, and…as farfetched as the story is…I believe you. You aren't the type to lie."

Happiness bubbled in her stomach, but it was soon crushed by the heady sting of betrayal.

"I'm sorry, guys." Fawn glanced around at them all. "I'm glad you came here with me, but I want to face my parents on my own. In my own way. I hope you understand."

"The smart ones do, at least." Zelda stared pointedly at Bo who sneered back at her. "Good luck in there, Fawn. We'll be here when you get out."

After a nod, Fawn pulled at the door handle and headed onto the sidewalk. As the soft grass bent beneath her feet, she thought of what she planned to say.
"You betrayed me. You told me you were being honest, but Jax just paid you to take me in. How can I trust you when you keep doing that? Maybe I should just stay with Jax, despite how dangerous it is."
The words spun in her head as she quickened her pace.

When Fawn reached the front door, she didn't bother with knocking. She doubted Jax would answer the door anyway. She tried the doorknob, but it was locked and didn't turn. This didn't shock her. With a frown, she pushed at the door in frustration. The wood groaned beneath the weight of her palms after the simple aggression and fell backward onto the floor with a bang. A mushroom cloud of dust the accident created tickled her nostrils. Fawn gazed down at her hand.
How did that happen?
Her mouth dropped open. The door appeared solid. She examined the hinges on the frame and saw her shove had torn them off completely. She knew that as a thin girl, there was no way she could have knocked a regular door down so easily. Maybe this was a plan of Jax's.

Fawn hesitantly stepped onto the door and entered the house. As she stepped onto the rug, her heart stung. She
knew
this house. She knew the fat, worn red sofa covered with pillows and a blanket. She knew the old TV which never worked and had to repeatedly be jostled because half the screen would fade to black. Jax, the greatest inventor in the world, never fixed it. Maybe he had no time or he simply didn't care. The smell of grease was distant but still present. It made her feel secure.

Home. This is home. This is where I am supposed to be.
Suddenly, as Fawn stood there, her mouth tasted sour. She was angry at Ark for making it so she couldn't live here anymore. She was angry at her "parents" for lying to her and for needing a bribe from Jax to keep her. And she was angry at Jax. The man loved her, she knew he did because she felt it, but shouldn't he be honest? The secrets were smothering her. Choking her. It felt as though a massive beast held her underwater, and the more she tried to get to the surface, the harder the creature gripped.

She headed to where the floor changed from cream colored carpet to black and white tile. Just as she placed her foot on the tile, she heard the sound of a click and froze. Footsteps pattered on the floor.

"Freeze."

Jax came around the corner and pointed a loaded gun straight between her eyes. Everything turned red. It was like she became possessed and she lost all control. She tore the gun away from Jax and punched him straight in the stomach. He flew backward and hit the glass backdoor with a thud. It shattered in cracks around his back, evil spider webs. Somebody screamed. Her mom, she guessed. Jax was still breathing, but his head flopped forward feebly and his eyes remained shut.

Suddenly, the red stopped. So did the angry heat. She gaped at the gun then dropped it to the floor with a clatter.

"Jax!" Fawn yelled in despair, rushing over to him.

Fawn kneeled at Jax's side, then touched his aged face. A trickle of blood ran down his right temple. His left arm was positioned behind him awkwardly. She whimpered and started to sob.
I hurt the man who raised me. Oh no. What did I do?
Her mom walked over and then bent down beside her, breathing heavily. Her dad rushed over last—stunned by Fawn's actions—then bent down by Jax's side.

"Fawn, what did you do?" her dad asked. "Why are you here?"

"I, I didn't mean to." Fawn shivered. "I didn't mean to hurt him. My head—my head just went crazy."

Her dad swore, then opened one of Jax's eyelids. Jax groaned and moved his head back and forth. She was so relieved he was waking up she let out a gasp. It still didn't erase the guilt which stabbed her heart with an angry knife. Jax, as his eyes fluttered, stared at her. An odd, twisted grin crossed his face. She grabbed his dry, cracked hand. Relief flooded her mind as he moved his left arm. At least she hadn't broken it.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to." Fawn shook her head.

Fawn expected Jax to be angry or sad. Instead he let out a loud, booming laugh. Her mouth dropped open. How could he laugh now? Did he have some odd attraction to pain?

"You're perfect." Blood sputtered from Jax's mouth with every word. "You're everything I wanted you to be."

"Perfect." Fawn stared down at him. "What?
Why
?"

"Let's get him downstairs." Her dad stood up abruptly. "
Quickly
."

Her mom stood up too but froze and yelped. Fawn glanced over her shoulder. Gavin, Bo, Mute, and Zelda darkened the doorstep, gaping.

"Fawn, you brought them here?" Her dad stared at her. "What have you done? You've put them all in danger now."

Her mom began, "She didn't mean to—"

"
Leave!
" Her dad shouted at her friends. "Leave now. You didn't see any of this. Don't go to the police, don't go to anyone. Do you understand me?"

As Fawn stood, shivering, over the body of the man she loved most and stared at her friends' distorted faces, she realized this situation was a lot worse and more complicated than any bribe paid to her parents. She'd put all of her friends in danger by telling them about Ark. If Gavin and his friends got hurt now, it would be all her fault.

Fawn sobbed. Gavin moved to go to her, even as his friends retreated. Her dad sent him another look that would have made the Devil run. Gavin walked away.

****

In the basement, the air was cool and dusty. A single cot was set up in the middle of the room. Fawn had a brief memory of lying on it. The smell of grease was strong down here, but she didn't mind it. Her mom wrapped an arm around her shoulder her dad mopped up Jax's bloodied head with a white rag. The man's arm was in a sling. Maybe she'd sprained his arm.

"I did that…" Fawn shuddered. "How did I do that? I knocked down the door, too."

Her mom sighed but didn't answer. Suddenly, as Fawn stared at the body of Jax and heard nothing, her blood boiled. She saw red. Last time she'd seen her world bathed in this bloody light, bad things happened. Yet she couldn't control it. It was like trying to keep sand from blowing away in the wind.

"No. No more of this." Fawn marched around the room, fists clenched at her sides. "You keep blaming me because bad things happen, but I wouldn't have brought my friends here if you'd told me the truth. I wouldn't have hurt Jax. People keep getting hurt because of your deception. Tell. Me. The.
Truth
!"

When Fawn yelled the word truth, she threw her fist into the wall and the brick crumbled beneath it. The red in her eyes cleared, but the silence didn't. Jax looked at her, eyes brimmed with tears.

"Tell her," Jax croaked. "She deserves to know. None of this is her fault. It's mine."

"No!" Her dad's eyes were narrowed.

Fawn gasped. Why didn't he want to tell her? She could tell by the hardness of his expression he meant what he said.

Her mom laid her hand on his arm. "We have to tell her, Oliver."

Her dad groaned and ran a hand through his hair. He stared at her with intensity. "Fawn, I'm trying to protect you because I love you. You know that, right? Telling you would
destroy
you."

"Right." She gave a derisive laugh. "You loved me so much you had to be paid to accept me."

Everyone stilled.

"Yes, I found your bank statement. I realized what you must have done." Fawn stared at both of her parents' guilty faces. "That's why I came here today."

"Fawn, we didn't know you." Her dad stepped toward her, palms out. "We thought you would be different."

"I thought I was Jax's daughter." Fawn's fists clenched. "I was a kid raised by your brother. You would have left me stranded if Jax didn't pay you off. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you?"

Once again, silence was a dagger to the ears. Jax shakily sat up. He grabbed his arm and rubbed it, mouth thin.

"Fawn, don't blame him." Jax 's eyes burned with fire. "You aren't who you think you are."

"I don't know who I am! That's part of the problem."

"Yes, but you
really
don't know." Jax grasped her dad's shaking shoulder. "You…aren't even human. You're a machine. A machine I created to make me feel less alone. You're Model 29."

Minutes ticked by, announced by the clock on the wall. Fawn tried to digest what she'd just heard, but it was like trying to suck down a pound of raw meat. Everyone's eyes were on her. Her mom reached for her, desperate to comfort her. She backed away from the woman's touch and balled her fists.

They're joking with me. They have to be joking with me.
Fawn stared down at herself in disbelief. She didn't look like a machine. She had soft skin, shimmering hair, and a belly button. When she got hit, she felt pain. And when she got emotionally traumatized—like now—her insides were on fire. Her world was caving in on her. She looked up, expecting to see cracks on the ceiling. There weren't any. All the cracks were on her heart.

"Fawn, are you all right?" Jax asked.

"No. No, I'm not." Fawn bared her teeth. "How can you say that? I'm not a machine. I'm a human being. I have feelings and I endure pain. I feel cold and hot. I
sleep
."

"I designed you that way. That's why you're so spectacular. That's why everybody wants you," Jax whispered. "You're—"

"Stop talking, Jax, for the love of all things holy!" her dad yelled.

"She deserves to know, Oliver. It's what she wanted." Jax glared at her dad, then turned his gaze on her. "You're a special type of robot companion. Your feelings are caused by a chip in your brain that reacts to certain words and tones in the human language. You have a program designed to keep track of temperature. If you feel too hot or cold, you're meant to feel it. It was to make sure you didn't put your hand on a burner. In all physical ways, you are a human. The software in your mainframe even allows for logical problem solving."

"No, no, no." Every word Fawn heard was a drill to her ears. Every part of her stung. "You're lying to me. You're
lying."

"You're even better than a human, though." Jax crossed his arms. "I made you strong enough to defend yourself if Ark came. You're powerful when you need to be. I still didn't want you to be found—I wanted to conceal what you were, even from yourself—but you were too smart for that. You knew what you were from the beginning, even if you didn't want to face it."

"No!" Fawn yelled.

"Am I lying?" Jax's eyes shone with pity. "Check your pulse. You should have learned from books how to do it. You won't have one."

For a second Fawn was tempted to tell him no. But what would that prove? That she was scared of the truth? She was a human. Yet she could not recall ever feeling a heartbeat or hearing her own heart pound. She'd never sweat either. The one time she'd eaten human food and not the black sludge, she'd gotten sick. With a whimper, she pressed her fingers over the cool skin on her neck, searching for thuds.

Nothing.

She heard nothing.

Her world spun. The fragmented memories made sense. She remembered only sitting on Jax's table because that was all she ever knew. She was not human. And Gavin…
Gavin
…Suddenly, she was choking. A kiss between them meant nothing, no matter how warm it made her feel. She was little more than a high-tech computer. She was like the doll she dropped in her parents' room. Cold. Made in the likeness of a human, but never quite as good as the same thing. She reached for a screwdriver on the table and brought it sharp side down straight into the middle of her hand. Pain electrocuted her limb, but then it stopped. Her mom screamed and her dad groaned. Jax didn't make a sound. She held up her hand for examination.

A skin-colored layer of material covered thick metal. She yanked the flesh toned layer back, away from her fingers. Her true digits were branch thin and metal. Currents of electricity shot out the opening. It was surreal. A nightmare. She didn't have a human hand. She fought the urge to scream in horror.

"Why, Jax?" Her insides were on fire. "Why?"

Fawn didn't know what she was asking him. Maybe "Why did you create me?" or "Why did you have to tell me?" Jax just stared at her with large, mournful eyes, not answering any of the questions or even asking her to clarify. Her mom and dad didn't move, though she could hear strained breathing.

The room which once filled her with such comfort suddenly became an overwhelming haunted house of evil, only the ghosts were all her own. Fawn pushed past Jax and thundered up the stairs. Behind her, she heard her dad yell, "Fawn. Fawn, come back! It'll be okay."

But Fawn was out the door.

****

Fawn sat in the woods on a log. No matter how much she stared at her hand or replayed what just happened in her head, she could not get a grip on her feelings. Every time she tried to stop the anger or sadness from boiling within her, she felt as though she was trying to stick her hand in a fire to contain the flames. Everything she'd experienced thus far was a lie. Her love for Gavin was all because of some program. Her feelings for her parents were because of a mainframe design Jax put in her head that told her to care about her family.

As she drew her knees up to her chin, she heard the sound of shuffling feet on dried leaves. She didn't bother to turn around. It could have been Ark, and she would have handed herself over willingly.

"You doing all right?" Jax asked, his voice soft.

"Does it matter how I feel?" Fawn shook her head, then bit her bottom lip. "These feelings are all
fake
. Everything about me is
fake
."

Jax sighed and sat down next to her on the log. Neither of them looked at each other.

"How did you know where I was?" Fawn finally asked. "Wait. Don't tell me. I'm being tracked, aren't I? Another great microchip or program."

Once again, Jax said nothing. She looked at him. She saw his face was pale because of his injury and dark bags were under his eyes. His wrinkles were so deep she was surprised blood didn't gush out of them. But she felt worse than him, she knew, even if she didn't look it.

"Fawn, I'm not a man who is great with words," Jax said, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Any person who knows me well can attest to that. But…"

"But?" Fawn's brows furrowed.

"It's just…You're more than a robot." Jax stared at her intensely. "You've been more than a robot to anyone you've ever met. There is only so much a microchip can do. You've surpassed my design into something more. You're transcendent."

"I have spent weeks wondering who I am, but now that I know, I hate the answer," Fawn whispered. "You can tell me I'm more than a robot, but in the end, that's all I'll ever be. I'm no better than a TV or a toaster or a refrigerator. Sure, they're helpful to have around, but if I break, another model exactly like me can be made in an instant. I'm not special. I'm not like a human with a billion different genomes. I don't have a soul. Do you know how much that hurts?"

Jax's frown grew even deeper and she could see his heart breaking. "That isn't true…"

"It is true." Fawn stood up and stared down at him. "Now I know what I am, I can't…I can't…function like I once did. Your wife was right in doing what she did the night that Ark came. You never should have made something like me. We're an atrocity to nature."

"Give it time." Jax's voice was gruff.

She was defiant. She didn't want to give it time. That meant more minutes spent hurt. It meant wanting to gouge out her heart for endless, long days. It meant she may have to see Gavin. Not being able to be near him would be the equivalent of jumping into a pool of acid. No. She wanted it to end right now.

“No.” Her jaw was tense. “I'm done. This is over.”

"Then what would you have me do to fix this? It wasn't supposed to be this way." Jax's stood up too, staring down at her. "You're already here."

Fawn didn't hesitate. "I want you to take me apart and promise you'll never make anything like me again."

Jax stared at her for a moment Fawn thought he planned to fight her wishes. She could see desperation in his eyes.

"Okay." Jax blew out a sigh. "But in return, you have to do something for me first."

Many words tumbled around in her mind. She wanted to scream, "I don't owe you anything." But the anger had a more powerful rival emotion. Love. If love could even be felt by a machine. She sighed then nodded her head. What was one last favor on the route to destruction?

"Wait a week," Jax said.

Though she thought she was mentally incapable of feeling any more shock, she'd been wrong. Surprise crushed her in strong arms. Intense. Sudden. Rapid. She wondered whether she could tear out her own emotion chip because that would make this so much easier to deal with.

"Why a week?" Fawn stared at him. "That's ridiculous."

"If you're set on your ways, then will a week matter?" Jax glared back at her.

Jax held her gaze for a long time. She wasn't sure whether it was the intenseness of his stare, but she was the first to break away. For a second time, she nodded. Jax was right, anyway. If she was set on her ways, then a week wouldn't matter.

****

Fawn and her parents drove home. The crushing weight of the silence left Fawn to drown in her emotions She could never erase the fact her feelings were not real. They were fake. Programmed. The fact she was nothing more than some other man's creation made her blood boil. Her parents' dishonesty lit her heart aflame too. But maybe it was time to forgive them. She was a machine, after all. It wasn't like they expected Shirley Temple. And soon their lives would return to normal. Without her.

Her dad parked in the space directly in front of the building. Fawn opened the door first and stepped onto the asphalt. Both of her parents got out of the car. Her dad reached out to touch her arm, but she danced away from him. She didn't want the comfort of his touch. Her mom's either. Their warmth would help, but that was exactly why she didn't want it. She didn't want another reminder of what wasn't real.

Her parents glanced at each other with deep frowns painted on their faces. Her dad walked toward the door of the building and went inside. She followed behind him. The three of them mutely went up the stairs together, avoiding each other's gazes like it was some sort of game. She was grateful for that. It would make the next week, which held the promise of apocalyptic agonies, all the more easier.

Just as her dad walked to their apartment and put his key in the lock, the sound of Gavin's door opening caused her head to turn. Gavin stood at the threshold of his door, pale faced and quivering. Fawn thought finding out she wasn't even real was the worst moment of her life. She'd been wrong. What was the worst moment was staring straight into Gavin's blue eyes and knowing all of the emotions, all of the sweet hopes she held for the two of them, was a lie. Gavin stepped toward her. She longed to fly into his arms and hug him tight and tell him everything. But if he knew what she was, he wouldn't want anything to do with her. It was one thing to have a crazy family or to have an OCD quirk. It was another thing to be a robot.

"Fawn?" Gavin whispered. "Are you okay?"

Fawn shook her head, placed her hand over her mouth to keep from calling his name in desperation, and rushed for the door the moment her dad managed to get it open. Her parents didn't follow her inside. She heard the sound of garbled talking in the hallway. She didn't know what her parents said to Gavin, but he didn't attempt to follow her into the apartment.