The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (6 page)

“I’d like you to define mysterious first.”

“It hasn’t even been two months since the new term began. Anyone who transfers in at this point must qualify as mysterious, right? Don’t you agree?”

“Maybe the student’s dad was suddenly transferred.”

“No, that’s abnormal.”

“What would you consider normal? I’d like to know that.”

“I wonder if a mysterious transfer student will show up.”

“In other words, you don’t give a damn what I think, do you?”

It would appear that a rumor had spread that Haruhi and I were plotting something.

“Say, what are you and Suzumiya up to?”

The person who asked this was obviously Taniguchi.

“Don’t tell me you two are dating.”

“Absolutely not.” I’m the one who would like to know exactly what the hell we’re doing.

“Don’t overdo it. We’re not in middle school anymore. If you render the grounds unusable, they might suspend you.”

If Haruhi does something by herself, I can’t be bothered to clean up after her. At the very least, I have to prevent Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina from coming to any harm. I’m kind of proud of how considerate I am.

Though I doubt I have much chance of stopping Haruhi once the afterburners kick in.

After the SOS Brigade was founded, the literary club room, previously only adorned by a long table, metal chairs, and bookshelves, began accumulating a growing number of items.

I don’t know where Haruhi got this stuff from, but a portable garment rack sat in the corner of the room along with an electric kettle, teapot, and enough teacups for everyone. The room also had a stereo system without a CD player, a single-compartment fridge in this day and age, a portable gas stove, an earthenware pot, and various eating utensils. What was all of this stuff for? Was she planning on living here?

Haruhi was currently sitting Indian style with her arms crossed on a desk she had filched from some classroom. And on the desk rested a pyramid on which the words
Brigade Chief
were written in magic marker.

“A computer would be nice, too,” she said. “We’re living in the information age and yet we don’t have a single computer. I can’t forgive them.”

Can’t forgive whom?

Our members were basically assembled. Yuki Nagato was in her usual position, engrossed in reading some hardcover with a title about some Saturn moon falling. Asahina, who really didn’t need to come but obediently came anyway, was seated in a chair with nothing to do.

Haruhi leaped off the desk and smiled in my direction, giving me a really ominous feeling.

“So let’s go scrounge one up.” Haruhi said this looking like a deer hunter off to the hunting range.

“Scrounge up a computer? From where? Are you planning on raiding an electronics store?”

“Of course not. There’s a much closer source.”

After ordering us to follow her, Haruhi led Asahina and me to our destination, the Computer Research Society two doors down.

I see.

“Hold this,” she said as she handed me an instant camera. “I’m going to tell you the plan, so you had better stick to it. Don’t mess up the timing. Understood?”

Haruhi pulled me down and whispered her “plan” into my ear.

“Huh? That’s ridiculous.”

“It’ll be fine.”

Fine for you, maybe. I glanced at Asahina, who was curiously looking this way, and attempted to make eye contact.

It would be a good idea to run for it now.

As I furiously blinked my eyes at her, Asahina looked up at me dubiously, and after applying some kind of twisted logic, she blushed. No good. She wasn’t getting the message.

In the meantime, Haruhi had calmly opened the door to the Computer Research Society without even knocking.

“Hello! We’re here to take one set of computer and peripherals!”

The layout was similar to ours, but this club room was rather cramped. A number of display monitors and computer towers were on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room.

The four male students who had been clattering away on their keyboards turned their attention to Haruhi, standing in their doorway on some kind of mission.

“Who’s in charge?” Haruhi said rather haughtily with a smile on her face. One of them stood in response.

“That would be me. Do you need something?”

“I already told you what I need. I only need one, so just give me a computer.”

The Computer Research Society president, an unnamed upperclassman, had an expression on his face that plainly asked “What is she talking about?” as he shook his head.

“No way. School funding wasn’t enough to cover the cost, so we had to save up our own money before we were able to finally buy these just recently. We aren’t blessed with enough equipment to just hand some out to whoever asks for them.”

“One can’t hurt. You’ve got so many.”

“Now look here… Wait. Who are you people?”

“The SOS brigade chief, Haruhi Suzumiya. These two are subordinates number one and number two.”

You didn’t have to call us subordinates.

“I order it in the name of the SOS Brigade. Stop your grumbling and hand one over.”

“I don’t know who you people are, but no means no. Buy one yourself.”

“In that case, I have my own ideas about that.”

Haruhi’s eyes shone with audacity. Not a good sign.

Pushing Asahina, who had been spacing out nearby, in front of her, Haruhi approached the president. And just when we realized that she’d grabbed the president’s arm, she pressed his palm onto Asahina’s breast with lightning speed.

“Ahh!”

“Noo!”

Click.

With two varying screams playing in the background, I clicked the shutter on the instant camera.

As she held down Asahina, who was trying to escape, Haruhi used her right hand to direct the president’s hand in firmly groping the little girl’s breast.

“Kyon. Take another shot.”

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Forgive me, Asahina and unnamed president. The president finally broke free of Haruhi’s grip and leapt away right when Haruhi was about to thrust his hand into Asahina’s skirt.

“What are you doing?!”

Haruhi gracefully waved her finger in front of the president’s bright red face.

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I’ve got pictures of your sexual harassment now. If you don’t want me to spread these pictures around school, hand over a computer.”

“That’s ridiculous!” the president furiously objected. I feel for you.

“You forced me to do it! I’m innocent!”

“And how many people do you think will believe you?”

I looked towards Asahina to find her unmoving, sprawled on the floor. She’d moved beyond shock and into a coma.

Meanwhile, the president continued to protest.

“All the members here are witnesses! It was against my will!”

The three computer members who had been petrified with their jaws hanging open apparently regained their senses and nodded.

“That’s right.”

“It wasn’t the prez’s fault.”

However, such weak reciting in unison wasn’t going to work on Haruhi.

“I’ll say that the whole club gang-raped her!”

Everyone in the room, including Asahina and myself, turned pale. That’s going too far.

“Su-Su-Su-Suzumiya…!”

Haruhi lightly kicked away Asahina’s arms, which were clinging to her leg, and haughtily puffed up her chest.

“What will it be? Are you going to hand it over or not?!”

The president’s face, which had already gone from red to white, now became ashen.

He was finally defeated.

“Take whichever one you want….”

The president collapsed into his chair. The other members ran over.

“Prez!”

“Hang in there!”

“Get a hold of yourself!”

His head was hung like a marionette whose strings had been cut. I may have been an accomplice in this travesty, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

“Which one’s the newest model?”

She was as cool-headed as ever.

“Why do I have to tell you that?!”

Haruhi responded by pointing to the camera in my hand.

“Damn it! That one.”

Haruhi took a look at the tower computer’s brand and model number and took out a slip of paper from her skirt pocket.

“I stopped by the computer shop yesterday and had an employee show me all the newest models. This wasn’t one of them.”

Her attention to detail was scaring me.

Haruhi circled the table checking every computer before pointing to one of them.

“Give me this one.”

“Hold on! We just bought that last month….”

“Camera, camera.”

“… Take it! You thief!”

We are indeed thieves. I cannot deny it.

There was no end to Haruhi’s demands. After disconnecting all the cables, she ordered that the monitor and every little thing be moved to the literary club and reconnected. She even had them run a LAN cable between our rooms so we could access the Internet and connect through the school’s domain on top of that. All of this was done by the Computer Society members. This is what you call extortion.

“Asahina.”

Having been rendered helpless during this whole incident, I turned to the petite girl curled up in a fetal position with her hands over her face.

“Let’s go back for now.”

“Uhhh…”

I helped the sobbing Asahina up. Haruhi could have just let her own breasts be groped. If she doesn’t give a damn about changing in front of guys, she probably wouldn’t have a problem with that. As I tried to comfort Asahina, still crying, I wondered what the computer was going to be used for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

The launch of the SOS Brigade Web site.

Apparently, that’s what Haruhi wanted to do. “So? Who’s going to make it? The Web site or whatever.”

“You.”

That was Haruhi’s response.

“You’ve got free time, don’t you? Do it. I have to find more members.”

The computer was on the desk with the “Brigade Chief” pyramid. Haruhi was moving the mouse around and surfing the Web.

“Have it finished in a day or two. We can’t participate in any activities until a site’s up.”

Yuki Nagato, reading her book, and Mikuru Asahina, sprawled on the table next to her, shoulders trembling, acted like they had nothing to do with this. It would appear that the only one listening to Haruhi talking was me. And since I was the only one who heard Haruhi’s order, I had to follow through on it. At least, that’s what Haruhi thought, no doubt about it.

“Easy for you to say.”

At least, that’s what I said, but I was actually pretty psyched. No. It’s not that I’d gotten used to following Haruhi’s orders. I was psyched about making the Web site. I’d never made one before, but it sounds pretty fun, right?

And that was that. The next day would be the first chapter of my epic struggle to make a Web site.

That being said, it wasn’t much of a struggle at all. The Computer Research Society, living up to its name, had already installed most of the necessary programs. All I had to do was open up a template and do a bit of copy-and-pasting.

The problem was what to put on the site.

After all, I still had no idea what kind of activities the SOS Brigade was involved in. I couldn’t possibly write about club activities that didn’t exist yet, so after pasting an image saying
Welcome to the SOS Brigade’s Website!
on the top page, my fingers stopped moving. I could hear the chants of “Hurry up and make it!” incessantly ringing through my ears, which is why I was sitting there with mouse in hand as I ate my lunch.

“Nagato, do you have anything you want to put on the site?”

I tried asking Yuki Nagato, who sat reading in our room even during lunch time.

“Nothing.”

She didn’t even look up. Not that I care, but she does go to class, right?

I returned my attention from Yuki Nagato to the 17-inch monitor and went back to thinking.

There’s another problem. Isn’t it a bad idea to use a school domain address for the Web site of a questionable brigade that holds lower status than a school-approved student association?

“What they don’t know can’t hurt ’em.” That was Haruhi’s defense. “If they find out about it, just drop the site. With these things, whoever takes action wins!”

I was a bit envious of her optimistic attitude.

I added a free CGI access counter, put up a text message address—still too early for a message board—and uploaded the Web site consisting of a top page alone with no actual content.

This should be good enough.

After confirming that the page was loading properly on the Net, I closed all the programs and shut down the computer. Then, as I was about to stretch myself out, I noticed Yuki Nagato standing behind me and jumped out of the chair.

It’s like you couldn’t sense her presence. Before I knew it, Yuki Nagato was standing behind me with a pale face that resembled a Noh mask. With a poker face you’d find yourself hard-pressed to match, she stared at me the way one would stare at an eye chart.

“Here.”

She held out a thick book. Out of reflex, I took it. It sure was heavy. Looking at the cover, I saw that it was the sci-fi book Nagato had been reading a few days ago.

“I’ll lend you this.”

With that brief statement, Nagato left the room before I even had time to refuse. What’s the point in lending me such a thick book? Left alone in the classroom, I could hear the bell signaling the approaching end of lunch break. It appeared that I was surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about what I thought.

Upon returning to the classroom with the hardcover book, I was greeted by the point of a mechanical pencil poking me in the back.

“Well? Is the site done?”

Haruhi was sprawled on her desk with a sullen look on her face. She was furiously writing away about who knows what on a torn-out sheet of notebook paper. I feigned casualness to avoid the attention of fellow classmates.

“It’s done, sure. But it’s an empty site that’ll probably piss off visitors.”

“That’s good enough for now. We just need an e-mail address.”

“Wouldn’t a text message address work, then?”