The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (7 page)

“That won’t do. It wouldn’t be able to handle the flood of e-mails.”

“Why would a newly created e-mail address get flooded with e-mails?”

“That’s a secret.”

Then she got that disturbing smile on her face again. It gave me the creeps.

“You’ll find out after school. For now, it’s top secret.”

I’d rather you keep it top secret forever.

Haruhi was nowhere to be seen during the following period. One could hope that she’d quietly gone home, but that was frankly impossible. Merely a prelude to her evildoings.

After school, I still had my misgivings about what we were doing—so why is it that my legs were taking me toward the club room? As I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself in front of the door.

“ ’Sup!”

Yuki Nagato was already there, naturally, along with Mikuru Asahina, sitting in a chair with her hands together.

I’m not one to talk, but are these two really that bored?

Asahina greeted me with what was obviously an expression of relief upon my entrance. I guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato was stressful.

“You still came today after what happened yesterday?”

“Where’s Suzumiya?” asked Asahina.

“Beats me. She was already gone during sixth period. Perhaps she’s off extorting more equipment.”

“Will I be forced to do something like yesterday again?”

Seeing that her brow was creased with worry, I tried to sound as kind as possible.

“Don’t worry. The next time she tries to force you into something like that, I’ll do everything I can to prevent it. She can use her own body for that stuff. It’d be a cinch for Suzumiya to pull off.”

“Thank you.”

The sight of her bowing her head with a shy smile on her face was so adorable that I wanted to throw my arms around her. I didn’t, though.

“I’m counting on you, then.”

“You can count on me.”

My guarantee might have meant something if it hadn’t fallen apart like a baseless theory, a house of cards, or an atom of hydrogen inside the sun, before even five minutes had passed. I’m worthless.

“Hey, hey!” Haruhi said as she entered the room. My eyes were drawn to the large paper bags in both of her hands.

“Took a little longer than expected. Sorry about that.”

It’s safe to assume that whenever Haruhi is in a good mood, she’s plotting some scheme that involves inconveniencing other people.

Haruhi set the paper bags on the floor and turned to lock the door. Asahina reflexively jumped at the sound.

“What are you planning on doing this time, Suzumiya? Just so you know, I refuse to do any more burglary. Or blackmail,” I said.

“What are you talking about? I’d never do anything like that.”

“Then explain the computer on the desk.”

“Obtained using peaceful measures. Forget that. Here. Look at this.”

Haruhi removed a stack of printer paper from one of the paper bags. There was some kind of writing printed on the paper.

“These are flyers I made to spread the name of the SOS Brigade. I snuck into the copy room and printed out 200 copies.”

Haruhi passed out the flyers to us. So that’s what she was doing when she skipped class, huh? Pretty amazing how nobody caught her. I didn’t particularly want to look at the flyer, but for the time being, I took it and gave it a glance.

I thought I was starting to understand the purpose of this brigade. It would appear that Haruhi wanted to immerse herself in the worlds of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror.

“Let’s go pass them out now.”

“Where at?”

“The front gate. There should be plenty of students heading home right now.”

“Oh, really,” was my response as I moved to pick up the paper bag, before Haruhi stopped me.

“You don’t need to come. Mikuru’s the one who’s coming with me.”

“What?”

Asahina, holding the half-sheet of paper in her hands and reading its poorly written contents, tilted her head. Haruhi rummaged through the other paper bag and vigorously pulled an item out.

“Ta-da!”

Looking as triumphant as an Olympic gold medalist, Haruhi pulled out what first appeared to be a piece of black cloth. But oh no—! Once Haruhi had finished removing objects from her bottomless bag, I realized why Haruhi had designated Asahina for the task and began praying for her. May your soul rest in peace.

Black leotard, fishnet stockings, attachable ears, and a bow tie along with a white collar, cuffs, and tail.

It looked undeniably like a bunny girl outfit.

“Um, um, um, what is this for?”

That was Asahina, sounding quite frightened.

“Can’t you tell?
Bunny girl.
”

That was Haruhi, sounding quite calm.

“Y-Y-You can’t mean for me to wear…”

“Of course. There’s one for me, too.”

“I-I can’t wear something like that!”

“Don’t worry. The size should be right.”

“That’s not what I meant. Um, are we going to wear those while passing out flyers at the school gate….”

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“I-I don’t want to!”

“Shut up.”

Crap. She had that flinty look in her eyes. Haruhi leapt onto Asahina the way a lioness would attack a stray gazelle and began removing the sailor uniform from the struggling girl.

“Noooo!”

“Stop resisting!”

Making outrageous demands, Haruhi pinned down Asahina. She easily pulled off her top and moved her fingers to the hook of the skirt, which is when I thought I better stop this and moved toward them only to meet Asahina’s eyes.

“Don’t look!”

Upon hearing that cry, I did an about-face and ran to the door—damn, it was locked—and wasted time rattling and turning the knob before I finally unlocked the door and tumbled outside.

And based on a quick side glance during all of this, Yuki Nagato was reading her book as though nothing was happening.

Don’t you have anything to say about this?

As I leaned against the closed door, I could hear…

“Ah!” “No!” “At least… l-let me undress myself… Noo!”

… pitiable screams from Asahina…

“Ergh! C’mon! Take it all off! You should have listened to me to begin with!”

… and such triumphant battle cries from Haruhi.

Meh. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to know what was going on in there, naturally.

Some time later, I received a signal.

“You can come in now!”

When I hesitantly returned to the room, I was met by the sight of two unbelievably perfect bunny girls. Haruhi and Asahina both looked amazing.

Low cut in front with an open back. High cut on the bottom with fishnet stockings wrapped around the legs. The bunny ears swaying on top of their heads and white collar and cuffs scored bonus points. Not that I knew what the points were for.

The combination of Haruhi, who has a slender build yet with curves, and Asahina, who looks small yet sticks out in all the right places, was too much for my eyes.

As I pondered if I should say “It looks good on you” to the sobbing Asahina, Haruhi spoke.

“What do you think?”

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

“This’ll be perfect for attracting attention! Most of the people walking by will take our flyers if we’re dressed like this. Right?”

“Well, yeah. Two people dressed in costumes standing around school are bound to attract attention…. What about Nagato?”

“I could only buy two of them. I got the full set so it was expensive.”

“Where do they sell this stuff?”

“I ordered it online.”

“… I see.”

I was wondering why I didn’t have to look down as much as usual when I noticed she was even careful enough to put on high heels.

Haruhi grabbed the bag containing the flyers.

“Let’s go, Mikuru!”

Asahina, with her arms crossed over her chest, looked toward me for salvation. I could only stare at her in her bunny outfit.

Sorry. To be honest, I can’t get enough of that outfit.

Asahina fussed like a child as she clung to the table, but being no match for Haruhi’s ridiculous strength, she and her soft cries were swiftly dragged off, and the two bunny girls disappeared from the room. I sank into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

“There.”

Yuki Nagato pointed at the floor. Upon looking, I found two sailor uniforms lying in a scattered heap and… was that a bra?

The short-haired, bespectacled girl remained silent as her finger shifted to the garment rack before she wordlessly went back to reading as though her job was finished.

You do it, her gesture said.

Sighing, I picked up the girls’ uniforms and hung them on the garment rack. Gah. I could still feel the warmth from their body heat.

Thirty minutes later, a worn-out Asahina returned. Whoa. Her eyes were red like a real bunny’s. This isn’t the time to be saying that. I quickly stood and gave her my chair. And just like before, Asahina collapsed onto the table, her finely-shaped shoulder blades trembling. Apparently, she didn’t even have the energy to get changed. Her back was half exposed, making it difficult for my eyes. I removed my blazer and covered her quivering, pale back. The uncontrollably sobbing girl, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered, castrated bastard (me) spent the following period of time silently in the club room with a record-setting strained atmosphere. In the distance, I could clearly hear the lousy horns of the brass band and indiscernible yelling of the baseball team.

It was around when I started thinking about such insignificant things as what dinner would be tonight that Haruhi made her heroic return. The first thing out of her mouth was…

“I’m pissed! What’s with those stupid teachers? They had to go and get in my way!”

She was venting while in the bunny outfit. I had a general idea of what happened, but I asked anyway.

“Was there some kind of a problem?”

“Way beyond that! We hadn’t even distributed half the flyers when the teachers came running over and told us to stop! Who do they think they are?!”

You know, if two bunny girls start handing out flyers at the front gate, people who aren’t even teachers are going to come running to stop you.

“Mikuru started sobbing. I was dragged to the student guidance office. Even that handball moron Okabe was brought in.”

The guidance counselor and Okabe the homeroom teacher probably had a hard time figuring out where to put their eyes.

“Anyway, I’m pissed! That’s enough for today. Dismissed!”

Haruhi tore the bunny ears from her head and threw them on the floor and began removing the bunny outfit. I quickly ran out of the room.

“How long are you going to keep crying?! Come on, get changed already!”

I leaned against the hallway wall as I waited for them to finish changing. It’s not that Haruhi’s an exhibitionist. She probably just had no idea what effect their scantily clad bodies had on males. Similarly, she didn’t choose the bunny girl costume for its sensuality; she simply thought it would attract attention.

She’ll never be able to have a serious relationship.

I really wish she’d start being concerned about guys who may be watching, or at the very least, me. All the stress was wearing me down. I had to hope for some kind of improvement, if only for Asahina’s sake. In any case… Nagato should really have said something.

Asahina eventually exited the room, staggering and stumbling, looking like a student who had just failed all her tests to get into college for the second year in a row. Not knowing what to say, I remained silent.

“Kyon….”

She sounded like a ghost returning from a fancy cruise ship that had sunk deep into the ocean.

“… If I become ruined for marriage, will you take me…?”

What should I say? And wait, you’re going to call me by that name, too?

Asahina, moving like a robot out of gas, returned my blazer to me. For a moment, I perversely hoped that she would jump into my arms and start sobbing, but she walked off with an expression like rotten, green vegetables.

Kind of a pity.

The next day, Asahina didn’t come to school.

The name Haruhi Suzumiya had already been floating around school, but thanks to the bunny mess, her name had transcended mere notoriety into the realm of common knowledge for the entire student body. That was fine with me. I couldn’t care less if the whole school knew about Haruhi’s eccentric behavior.

The problems were that the name Mikuru Asahina had begun spreading in association with hers and the fact that I felt as though the people around me were giving
me
strange looks.

“Man, Kyon… You’ve finally become one of Suzumiya’s merry friends,” Taniguchi said in an irritatingly sympathetic tone during break. “I never would have expected Suzumiya to make friends. I guess the world is a crazy place after all.”

Shove it.

“Seriously, I was so surprised yesterday. I was going home when I saw bunny girls standing at the front gate. Didn’t even have time to wonder if I was dreaming. It made me question if I was losing my sanity.”

That was Taniguchi. He was waving a familiar piece of paper around.

“What is this SOS Brigade? What do you do in it?”

Ask Haruhi. I have no idea. Don’t want to know either. Even if I did know, I probably wouldn’t want to put words to it.

“It says to tell you about mysteries. What exactly does that mean? And I don’t really understand this part about how a normal mystery won’t do.”

Even Ryoko Asakura came over for a bit.

“It looks like you people are having fun. But it would be best if you didn’t violate moral sensibilities. That stunt went a bit too far.”