The Memory Child (21 page)

“That’s what I’m worrie
d about.”

Brian pretended to ignore that as he walked out of
the room.

Brian relaxed on their bed while Diane enjoyed her nightly bath. A golf tournament played on the television, but he barely paid attention to it. Instead, he wrote a list of pros and cons on a sheet of paper, unsure whether he really wanted to mention his recent job offer to Diane or whether he should quietly decline without her knowing
about it.

How could he leave her now, especially at a time
like this?

He wrote the word
preeclampsia
down on the con side and made a mental note to look into it more when he was alone, so he knew exactly what was h
appening.

“How did your meeting go after work?” Diane called out from the
bathroom.

Brian pursed his lips and flicked the pen across
the room.

“It was okay. Nothing too e
xciting.”

He expected her to believe him. His meetings were nothing like hers and she rarely showed too much interest unless he needed her to. He glanced down at his sheet and realized the list of cons was longer than the pros. The only words he had on the pro side of the sheet were
goals
,
travel
,
promotion
, and
I
want to
.

I want to
.
Bottom line, that was the real reason he wanted to take the offered position. President of international operations and communication. President. He’d never expected to have that title unless he opened his own firm, something he’d toyed with early in his career, before he realized it was easier to let someone else worry about the details while he played with the
software.

Every word on the con side had to do with Diane and the baby. Not that his family was a con, just that it was a valid reason for not taking the position. Even if the idea of saying no, when he knew Diane would say yes if she’d been the one offered the position,
irked him.

This was not a case of
if the shoe were on the other foot
, though. He couldn’t think that way. It wasn’t fair, not to him and not
to Diane.

“Really? Did Tim just want to have a beer to celebrate the week or was it for somethi
ng else?”

There was a splashing sound before the plug was pulled and water swished down the drain. Brian got up from the bed and went to help Diane out of
the bath.

“Who all was there? Just the two of you?” Diane asked as Brian reached for her hands and pulled her to
her feet.

He could tell she was fishing. It probably didn’t help that all through dinner he tried to direct the conversation away from him and onto her. He should have known it wouldn’t ha
ve worked.

“No, the big boss and the witch wer
e there.”

“Esther?” Her eyebrows rose as she wrapped a towel around
her body.

H
e nodded.

“You didn’t get fired,
did you?”

Brian smiled at the half laugh in Diane
’s voice.

“That’s what I thought too. Turned out to be the o
pposite.”

He turned and headed back into their bedroom, flopping back down on the bed. Diane walked over to the little sitting area where she kept a basket of lotions and started to slather some on her body. Brian watched her closely, enjoying the small movements of her hands as she rubbed the cream onto her legs
and arms.

“A pr
omotion?”

“O
f sorts.”

Diane stilled and glanced up. He could read the expression on her face and knew she was trying to figure out what promotion he would have received and why he wasn’t excited
about it.

“You need to travel more, do
n’t you?”

He nodded. She was smart, that wom
an of his.

“H
ow much?”

Brian grabbed the remote and flicked through some random
channels.

“Doesn’t really matter. I’m not taking it.” He tried to make it sound casual, as if he didn’t care. But his voice croaked at the las
t minute.

“Why not?” She crossed the room and sat down on the bed b
eside him.

He just stared at her but didn’t respond. She’d figu
re it out.

“What was the position?” She reached for his hand and threaded her fingers th
rough his.

“President of international operations and communication.” He kept his eyes glued to the television, not willing to see the pity in her eyes. He knew she knew he was turning it down for her. Knowing they both knew it w
as enough.

“President of international operations and communication,” Diane quietly repeated, letting it sink in. “That’s wonderful! How can you turn th
at down?”

Bria
n sighed.

“International operations, Diane. They want me stationed out of London. I told them I couldn’t. You have your job and we have our baby. Moving halfway across the world isn’t something that would work for us right now.” His chest suddenly tightened. For some insane reason, he felt like he was going to cry. Talking about it with Diane made
it real.

Diane reached for the remote, tossed it to the side, and forced him to focu
s on her.

“We will make it work. You can’t turn this down. Not now. Brian, this is what you’ve always wanted.” She stared him in the eyes, suddenly serious. “We can make it work,” she
repeated.

Brian shook his head. No, they couldn’t. Sure, he’d admit he held on to a smidgen of hope that she would say “go for it,” but not now. Not when she was b
edridden.

“How? It’s not possible. You can’t travel, not now, and there’s no way I’m leaving you alone. And what about your job, your promotion, the one you’ve worked so hard for? You can’t give
that up.”

Diane pursed her lips. “Please tell me you haven’t said
no yet.”

“I haven’t said
no. Yet.”

She smiled, as if she had all the answers to all their problems. “We talked about getting a nanny, right? Well, let’s hire one sooner. She can help me while I’m on bed rest and you can go and check out this position and what it all means. I have time off after the baby comes, so we can go on an extended vacation and stay with you in London. Whether we raise the baby here or there doesn’t matter, not in the beginning. We’ll take one day at a time. I told you not to stop traveling, didn’t I? We will make th
is work.”

The pressure that had been growing in Brian’s chest all evening lifted with her words. They would make this work. He knew it. They could do it. They wo
uld do it.

He couldn’t say anything. All he did was smile before leaning forward and showing his wife just how much he loved her with a passion
ate kiss.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Diane

Present–July

I
locked myself in my room. I haven’t wanted to see anyone for a few days now, but Nina wouldn’t listen. Now she would. The door wa
s locked.

Grace cried in her bassinet. She’d been crying for the past hour or more and I’d never felt so hopeless i
n my life.

I listened as I rocked myself on my bed, but I couldn’t go to her. Instead, I just covered my ears with my hands. Her cries hurt me, they hurt my ears, they hurt my head, they hurt my heart. Nothing I did soothed her. I held her, I rocked her, I tried to feed her. But it didn’t matter. I wasn’t what sh
e needed.

“Shhh, sweet baby. Shhh.” I knew she couldn’t hear me over her cries, but it was all I could do. Every tear, sob, and scream ripped me apart but I was helpless. What kind of mother was I when I couldn’t even calm my own c
hild down?

A horrible one. Rotten.
Selfish.

Why did I think I could do this? Why did I ever think that I could raise a child on my own? I couldn’t. I should never have even tried. I knew. I knew back when I first found out I was pregnant that I couldn’t do this. I’d never had those motherly instincts everyone mentioned. I’d never even wanted
a child.

Charlie was right. She’d been right all along. I needed to tell her. I had to tell her. She could never have a ba
by. Ever.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this,” I chanted over and over and over again. I needed to block out Grace’s cries before I w
ent crazy.

I grabbed the journal and pen off the side table by my bed and flipped to an empty page. Except there was none. How could there not be an empty page? There had to be. I had to write. I had something important to say and I needed to get it out before I forgo
t. Again.

I shook the book upside down and a piece of folded paper fluttered down to my lap, dancing as it made its way down, like a lazy butterfly looking for a perch. I blew a soft breath toward it, to see it dance some more, but it’d alrea
dy landed.

I plucked the paper from my lap and opened it. A smile slid across my lips, pulling the edges until I felt like a marionette. All I needed were the strings and I’d be free to dance to someone els
e’s tune.

The words I needed to write, the ones that played over and over in my head, were already written down on this paper. This was
perfect.

“Shhh, baby. It’s all going to be okay now.” I crawled across the bed to where the bassinet lay and watched my angel as tears gathered in her eyes and her cries grew louder. I knew she was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t understand it. But I would. I knew I could if I could just list
en to her.

I reached down and slid my arms beneath her wriggling body and brought her close to my chest. I knew what I had to do. It was the same thing my mother had to do. I understood it now. It all ma
de sense.

She did love us more than life. And she proved that to us. She made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our happiness, our well-being, and ou
r safety.

All I wanted in life was to be
like her.

I wiped the small drops of tears on Grace’s face with the pad of
my thumb.

“Shhh, baby. It’s all going to be okay now. Trust me. I know what to do. I understand
it now.”

I held Grace tight to my chest and listened as her cries softened. I stared down at the note in front of me and the image of my mother filled my mind. She was so beautiful with her soft brown hair gathered in a braid down her back and the twinkle in her eyes as she smiled down at me. I imagined the feel of her lips as she laid that last kiss on my
forehead.

I love you more than life,
she’d whispe
red to me.

The words she’d written on her note became clear. Clearer than anything else i
n my life.

There is nothing I want more in life than to be
a mother.

There’s no gre
ater gift.

Laying my life down with gladness in my heart and a smile on my face is an honor, a gift to tho
se I love.

My children will know that I sacrificed all for their
happiness.

Hush now. Your tears rip me in half. Just close your eyes and let go. All will be well when we open our eyes o
nce again.

Then we’ll be together in a world where there will be no m
ore tears.

I love you more t
han life.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Brian

November 2013

A
ll was quiet in the house as Brian sipped his morning coffee and stared out into their backyard. There wasn’t much time left before he needed to leave, but everything was packed and all he had to do was grab his messenger bag with hi
s laptop.

He couldn’t believe he was doing this. He loved this house. Loved every nook and cranny and had created fantasies about their life here, about making this house a home. And yet here he was, leaving to find another place in London. A place where he would live alone until Diane could join him. He knew it would be nothing compared to what they
had here.

Was he doing the right thing? There was a part of him that wasn’t sure. This, today, leaving here, seemed to be final. He didn’
t like it.

“Good morning, Mr.
Wright.”

Brian shook his head. The woman they’d hired to help Diane while he was away, who would hopefully continue on as their nanny, refused to call him by his first name. He wasn’t
sure why.

“Nina, please, call me Brian.” He turned and watched as she chose fresh fruit from a bowl on the kitchen island and w
ashed it.

“Would you like some fruit? I’d be more than happy to slice u
p extra.”

Brian shook his head. He’d eat on the plane. It was more important to him that Diane eat something. In the past month, he’d watched her belly grow larger while the rest of her grew smaller, if that was even possible. She refused to eat much, complaining that lying in a bed or sitting in a chair really didn’t demand much sustenance. Not being physically active was getting to her. Lately, all she ate was fruit and vegetables with the occasional piece of sliced chicken. No pasta, no
desserts.

Normally he’d be worried, but Nina was also a nurse. He felt comfortable knowing Diane was in
her care.

“I can’t thank you
enough—”

“
No need.”

Brian refilled his cup. “No, there is a need. I can’t thank you enough for doing this for us, for coming on board and helping us the way you have. I know it’s…not the pace you’re used to, but knowing you’re here, taking care of Diane and our baby while I’ll be away, means more to me than I can ever
express.”

Her credentials were superb, and he’d been quite surprised when she arrived at their house for their first interview. She’s come recommended by their doctor, who had worked with Nina for years. She’d specialized in pediatrics, had worked with the hospital in their crisis department for women who suffered from postpartum and other mental illnesses, and also had experience in the private sector. He knew that no matter what occurred, she’d be able to support Diane. God knew he wouldn’t be able to. He couldn’t help but think Nina coming along was an answer to a prayer. If anything…as much as he hated to even think it…but if there were any issues, like with Diane’s mother, at least Nina would
be there.

“I’m doing what I love, and the slower pace is nice after all my years in the field. Don’t worry, Mr.…Brian. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for as long as you and your wife
need me.”

He breathed a sigh
of relief.

“Even if it means coming to London?” He’d mentioned it to her last week, coming with Diane and the baby if Diane needed the help. He knew nanny duty wasn’t really in her portfolio, but he’d watched how close the two women had become lately and he hated the thought of having to find someone else. She asked for time to consider the request last week and he’d been waiting ever since. Just in case the answer was no, he had contacted a loc
al agency.

“Yes. I would like to continue on as your nanny while in London for the first few months. Not as a permanent position, but I would be more than happy to help in finding a replacement once Diane is comfortable.” She’d finished slicing the fruit and arranged it all on a plate. She prepared a tray to take
to Diane.

“Wonderful. Thank you. We’ll take whatever time you can give us.” He poured himself a new cup of coffee and placed it on the tray. “Here, let me take that.” He reached for it. “I’ll sit with Diane for a bit before I need t
o leave.”

“She’s going to miss you. She tries to hide it, but your leaving is hard
on her.”

Nina’s words stopped Brian. He set the tray back down and stared at her, trying to read the expression on her face. Worry. Fear. Anxiety. That was what he saw and it ch
illed him.

“What do you mean? Why are you telling me this now, right before
I leave?”

Nina poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting down at the breakfast nook in front of the window. Brian joined her when she made it clear she wasn’t going to say anything more until he sat
with her.

“She’s worried she can’t do thi
s alone.”

“She’s not alone.” That didn’t make sens
e to him.

“She will be once yo
u leave.”

“You’re here. Which is almost better than if I were, since you’ll know what to do if anything goes…wrong.” Even thinking that something could go wrong churned his stomach. “And I’ll be back before her due date. She kn
ows this.”

Nina’s lips pursed as she took a sip of her coffee. “We both know that knowing something and believing in it are two different things. She’s afraid but she doesn’t want you to see that. These next few days, after you leave, will be the worst
for her.”

It was as if Nina spoke another language. Nothing made sense. Diane wasn’t afraid. He’d never seen her so at peace. Okay, so she didn’t like being housebound, but the tension she always carried was gone. Her workload was cut in half and she appeared to accept her own limitations. She even seemed happy. At least, she did when they were
together.

“Are y
ou sure?”

Ni
na nodded.

“Should I stay home then? Not go? What are you trying to
tell me?”

“I’m only trying to show you what your wife is trying to hide. So you can b
e aware.”

Brian rubbed at his face and noticed the time on h
is watch.

“I need to go soon. Please send me updates through e-mail on how she is and if I need to come home, okay?” He reached across and grabbed the woman’s hand. “Keep her safe. Please. She’s all that matters to me, more than this job, more than anythi
ng else.”

He watched her face to see if she would tell him the truth or just placate him. A seed of fear settled deep insid
e of him.

“She’s the one you should be telling
that to.”

“I will. Please let me know when my taxi arrives.” He gathered the tray in his hands and headed toward the stairs. He would tell Diane. He’d make sure he showed her too, every single day he was away. He wouldn’t let a day go by that he didn’t show her just how much he loved her. One way o
r another.

“She wants to drive you to the airport
herself.”

He stopped and glanced over his shoulder. “She can’t.
Can she?”

Nina shrugged. “She shouldn’t, but she won’t liste
n to me.”

“Then she’ll just need to listen to me.” He gave Nina a small smile before continuing his way toward th
e stairs.

They’d say their good-byes here, at home, where he knew she and their unborn baby
were okay.

“
Don’t look at me like that,” Brian pleaded as he paced back and forth in their
bedroom.

Diane sat at her desk and sipped at her coffee. She’d gotten dressed while he’d been downstairs and now picked at her breakfast while he tried to convince her to s
tay home.

“Then stop being so unreasonable.” She speared a strawberry and waved
it at him.

Unreasonable? He was being unreasonable? She was the one on
bed rest.

“We can say good-bye here. It’s only a ten-minute drive to the airport. I’ve already called for a taxi.” He gripped the top of a chair opposite her desk and tried to smile. He felt sick to his stomach and he wasn’t
sure why.

“Exactly. It’s only a ten-minute drive. It’s not going to hurt me or the baby. Would you relax,
please?!”

“Diane…” He stopped when he caught the tear in her eye. That was it. He was done for. Why even bother arguing when it meant so much to her? She’d be fine. Ever since they got the news of the preeclampsia, Diane had kept herself on a strict regimen of staying in bed at all times unless absolutely n
ecessary.

He moved to be beside her, squatted down, and took her hands into his own. “I love you, and leaving you here, now, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” He was going to say no; he had to say no. Her health and the welfare of their baby were more important than her seeing him off. He was about to say that when he caught the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “Ah, hell. If your coming means I get to spend ten more minutes with you, then I will cherish those minutes every moment I’m away.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her protruding belly. “I’m going to miss you too, little one,” he
whispered.

Her fingers wove through his hair in response. He stood up, bringing her with him, and folded his arms around her. This was where he belonged, with her, in his arms. Nothing else felt mo
re right.

“I am going to be fine. We’re going to be fine. And you’re only going to be gone for a few weeks, so nothing to get all worked up over, right?” Her voice, muffled against his shirt, didn’t mask the sob she was trying
to stop.

Brian tightened his hold, wishing he could imprint the feel of his arms around her on himself. He didn’t like the tears. Didn’t like knowing this was so ha
rd on her.

“Hey.” He pulled back, just a little, so he could look down at her. “I’ll be back before you know it. I’ll find us the perfect place and get the office on schedule, then be back here with plenty of time to pamper you before our baby is due. I
promise.”

Sh
e nodded.

“And good news: Nina said she’ll stay on after the baby
is born.”

A small smile spread across Diane’s lips. “I know. She told me this morning. I think it had something to do with wanting to see Europe for the fir
st time.”

“I’ll take whatever we can get from her.” Brian was just happy she was staying on. They’d work on the timing later. He’d figure out a way to get her to stay with them permanently if that was what Diane wanted a
nd needed.

“Think we could stop for a coffee and a muffin on our way?” Diane stepped out of his embrace and reached for her purse on
her desk.

Brian tried to not act surprised. A muffin? He’d buy her a dozen if she wanted. Anything to get h
er to eat.

He caught the glint of gold around her neck and pulled at the necklace hidden beneath the neckline of h
er shirt.

Diane blushed as she held up her hand. That was when he noticed her finger was
ringless.

“They won’t fit due to the swelling, but I didn’t want to put them in the jewelry box. Nina was the one to suggest wearing them around my neck. I didn’t want to take them off but they were cutting off circulation in my
finger.”

Brian kissed the swollen finger where her rings once were. Why hadn’t he noticed this before now? He understood why she had to take them off, but he’d be lying if he didn’t admit seeing her finger bare both
ered him.

“Just a little bit longer.” He gave her a kiss before leading her out of the room and down th
e stairs.

Nina stood at the door. “I’ll take care of t
he taxi.”

“We’re going to stop for coffee and muffins. I’ll bring you back one.” Diane beamed a smile as she linked her arm through
Brian’s.

Brian caught the bemused look on Nin
a’s face.

“As long as it’s chocolate and you’ll have one too, that would be
lovely.”

“Oh, I think today is a chocolate kind of day.” A cloud passed over Diane’s face for
a moment.

Brian thought about the small box full of cards, letters, and word games he’d made for Diane to enjoy while he was gone. He’d given it to Nina last night, asking her to give Diane one a day. There should be enough in there to last until he came home. It was a small way to show her how much he loved and missed her. He knew it was sentimental and might seem cheesy, but he hoped she
liked it.

Brian linked his fingers through Diane’s as he carried her to the SUV. She’d made a fuss about it when he lifted her up in his arms, but he’d told her to hush. He couldn’t believe how light she felt. The worry niggled at him while he made sure she was buckled in before getting his suitcases and messenger bag from the
hallway.