The Milestone Tapes (9 page)

“I called Sophia, and it didn’t go ... well,” Jenna began slowly, folding her legs under her.

Gabe nodded patiently and waited for her to continue.

“It wasn’t awful, but she was busy. The conversation was forced. I asked to her visit.” Jenna gnawed her lips, imagining how desperate she must have sounded.

“Is she coming here?” Gabe’s eyes opened wide, he looked almost hopeful. Sophia had never visited. Jenna and Gabe had traveled to South Carolina when Mia was a baby and Sophia had just had Harlen, and again when Caleb was born.

“No. I don’t know. She was busy.” Jenna wiped a tear from under her eye.

“She was too busy to discuss this?” Gabe raised his brows in curiosity, a hard edge to his voice.

“I guess. I felt bad. I kept apologizing and tripping over my words.”

“Jen … ”

“Gabe, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” She put her hands over her face, shaking her head slowly back and forth.

“You’re doing the best you can. It’s all you ... or anyone, really ... can do. You have to stop beating yourself up over everything that doesn’t come easily.”

“I just wanted her to care. To give a shit for once, to put the other stuff aside and worry.”

“I’m sure, in her way, she does. But this is close to home, she lived through this once, it has to be very hard for her.”

“And I ran away.” Jenna dropped her hands and locked eyes with Gabe.

“No. That’s not what I’m implying, Jenna. I’m saying, just think about it: Mia’s not much younger than she was—a few years only. And the whole thing really fucked her life up; she’s probably scared.”

“But she’s my sister. She’s where I come from. She’s my family, I need her,” Jenna whispered softly.

“I know, honey, but you can’t force her to be who you want her to be. She’s not been that sort of sister for a long time.”

“I know. I just wish—”

“It doesn’t always look like what you’d imagine.” Gabe dropped to knees in front of Jenna and gathered her hands in his. “But we’re where you come from, too. We’re your family, we love you.”

“I know that—but it’s not the same,” Jenna blushed, she felt feverish and hot.

“Then you know what you do, Jenna? You figure out how to make what you have work. Sophia may never come around, and if she doesn’t, then what? You’ve tried, honestly Jenna, I don’t think anyone tries harder to be better than you do. Sometimes you can move things with your will ... and sometimes, honey, you just can’t.”

“You know what the hardest part is, Gabe? It’s all the stuff I’ll never have, all the things I’ll never see or do or be. And it’s not tangible stuff, or even things we’ve had. It’s nothing you can buy, nowhere you can just go. It’s the stuff like having had another baby, watching Mia grow up, growing old with you, being close to my sister ... the things I want most in this world, the things I thought I’d have. It’s admitting that this is and I’m scared. I’m not ready. I don’t know how to be ready. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to leave you,” Jenna wept, heavy tears full of realization and grief. Gabe rested his forehead against hers in silence.

“You have to be strong, Jenna, you have to be brave.” Tears ran down Gabe’s face as he held her hands over his heart.

“That sounds like what I tell Mia,” Jenna laughed lightly.

“It’s good advice.” Gabe wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt.

“I’m scared for you, Gabe, I can’t imagine—raising Mia, being alone—it’s not what you signed up for, we were supposed to do this together.”

“Jenna, I need you to believe what I’m about to tell you, okay? Because I’m not sure about a lot of things, but I do know this for certain: I’m not scared—well, not about the same things you are.” He steadied his voice. “Whatever it takes, that’s what I’m going to do. Whatever that means, it means. She’s my little girl, and you never, ever have to worry about her, not for a minute.”

“And what about you? Where do you get what you deserve?”

“I don’t know. But, I think about it like this ... I had you for twenty-two years. You’ve been my partner—not just my wife, not just my friend. These years and what we’ve done with them, wow, how lucky have I been? That’s been more than I’ve deserved and I’m grateful. Thankful for you, and our daughter and our home, and the memories and our life together. And after, I’m going to be a father. I’m going to raise our little girl and do what’s best for her. It might not sound full from the outside listening in, but I can’t see beyond that and that’s all I want to do. Just being a good dad.”

“Gabe.” Jenna reached out her hand, roping it around his neck, pulling him close.

“I love you Jenna, so much, and I’m sorry, so sorry, we can’t ... ” Gabe’s voice drifted off.

“Me too,” Jenna cut him off; he didn’t need to put words to his apology, she felt them to her bones. She knew he’d trade anything, give anything, just for her and it wasn’t anything he’d ever need to say.

“I wish—”

“I know,” Jenna pulled back and took his face in her hands, looking into his eyes.

She studied him, looking closely at the way his eyes held hers, steady and sure despite all the doubt and fear.

She’d loved him for most her life. She’d watched his hair turn grey around the temples and the skin around his eyes go soft as it had webbed lightly with wrinkles. She’d watched him hold their daughter in his arms while he paced slowly around their home, speaking in hushed tones that lulled and soothed Mia into sleep when she was colicky. She had watched him worry over the sharp corners of the table and the slick floors when Mia was starting to toddle about, so afraid that something might her hurt her. And that day on the beach, when Mia ran off ahead, the fear that—for one moment—Mia was beyond his reach. Jenna didn’t know for certain what the future held for her family without her, but she did know that they would be okay, it wasn’t something she had to force herself to believe, she felt it in her bones watching him watch her.

Summer snuck up and threw the Chamberlands into a whirlwind of activity.

Mia got her wish and was off at day camp. Both Gabe and Jenna agreed that healthy summer activities would be best. So, Mia came home each afternoon tired and suntanned despite the heavily overcast skies. Beaming, she’d offering up new, intricately woven friendship bracelets, pottery trinkets or beaded lanyards she called boondoggles as proof of her passing days.

It was a comfort to Jenna. Being endlessly busy left no time for her to worry about the passage of time. It lingered in the back of her mind, but forefront was the packing of lunches, tending the gardens, keeping the house clean for the cleaning lady.

Jenna had slipped into her office during Mia’s while she was off to camp. She had spent the first days wandering around her house looking for something to occupy her. She invented laundry, washing and packing away winter and spring clothes. She scrubbed already polished countertops, swept floors and changed linens. She abhorred busy work, but she felt cast off without a steady purpose and keeping herself moving felt good. There wasn’t much for her to really do anymore. Gabe had long ago outfitted the home with the staff that took care of such matters. But her years of endless straightening, when it was only her tending the house and the child, the habit of that died hard. She felt useless, the place was immaculate and she could only invent so much work before it felt awkward. She finally wandered into her office, which was a library of sorts. The enclave was home to all the books Jenna loved and collected over the years, including her own novels. She intended to find something to read, it was innocent enough, but as she ran her fingers over the spines, she found nothing. She decided to head into town for a few hours, stop by Port News and Book, snag a couple novels for herself and a few new stories for Mia. As she gathered her things, the doorbell chimed brightly through the house and Jenna made her way towards the entry.

Standing at the door, looking travel worn and drained, stood Sophia with three boys in tow. Sophia’s perfectly painted red lip spread into a tentative, curious smile as she took in Jenna and the home behind her.

“Sophia?” Jenna asked, incredulous, hardly believing her eyes. She opened the door widely, welcoming them into her home.

Sophia clutched her purse tighter to her chest, her eyes darting about the cavernous entryway of the Chamberland home. Sophia appreciated good design, good decor. She had never seen Jenna’s home, Gabe’s creation, with its exotic woods, leaded glass, muted walls and thick moldings. She was quietly reflecting, glancing about.

“Jenna,” Sophia greeted her, rooted in place on the wide planked front porch.

“I wasn’t expecting ... didn’t know you were … Oh my God, come inside.” Jenna stepped off, letting in the boys.

“I ... we ... wanted to come and see you, and Gabe and Mia, too, of course,” Sophia answered politely, ushering the children inside, where they immediately dropped to the ground, taking off their shoes.

Jenna was stunned. Sophia had never called back, Jenna had never expected her too. After the doomed phone call and the conversation with Gabe, her mind had branched off elsewhere. Today, she’d all but forgotten her sister. But here, in front of her, on the wide flagstone and wood steps of her porch, her sister stood there. Her three handsome boys in toe. She had shown up.

“Oh Sophia, Caleb, Harlen, Thomas, I am so, so glad you are here!” Jenna’s face broke into a wide, welcoming smile. She sunk to her knees, gathering her nephews up in her arms and squeezing them tightly.

Jenna mentally ran down in her mind the sleeping arrangements. No doubt Sophia would insist on a hotel, but on the off chance, Jenna wanted something to offer.

“Well, let me show you all to your room ... ”Jenna began, righting herself and moving aside,

“Oh, no. We’re at the Red Lion Hotel, we didn’t want to impose” Sophia gathered Thomas in her arms and walked deeper into the house overlooking the bay. “This is some home you have here Jenna.” Sophia spun slowly, taking it all in. The home was something. It was Jenna’s dream.

“The Red Lion? Are you sure? You’re welcome to stay here, we’d all love to have you.” Jenna smiled at her sister tentatively. Despite being older, since their mother’s death, Sophia has always played the role of the decisive one, setting the bar of their relationship, setting the path and course for both of them.

“Yes, I’m sure. Our stay is rather, indefinite ... and being here could be quite the imposition.” Sophia wandered towards the great room, taking in the vast views of the bay and mountains swaddled in lush greenery.

“Indefinite?” Jenna followed her sister into the family room where her sister had settled down on the couch to further explain.

“Boys?” Sophia lowered Thomas to the floor and snapped her fingers, and the boys immediately looked towards their mother. “Aunt Jenna and I have to speak privately. Jenna, is there somewhere the boys could play?” Sophia turned to face Jenna.

“Um, yes, of course. The basement?” Jenna answered, unsure if Sophia would allow her children to play that far from her sight. Thomas was still, after all, just a baby. Jenna would have never allowed Mia to wander off in an unfamiliar house when she was so young; she felt guilty even suggesting it, wondering if she should have directed them to Mia’s room.

“Okay, good, that’ll work. Boys, take your brother, please. And remember, play nicely.” Sophia handed Thomas over easily to Caleb; clearly this wasn’t foreign territory to Sophia or her boys. Jenna pointed to the doorless frame off the kitchen, which descended into the lower level. The boys dutifully trudged down the stairs towards the basement, which was a lavish playroom, full of all the toys, books and games a child could want.. Jenna ran through her mind, hoping she remembered to lock the sliding storm windows below.

“So ... ” Jenna began looking at her sister, still disbelieving, stunned that she was even there, much less that she was planning to stay on with no departure in sight. She headed towards the formal sitting arrangement in the family room, Sophia following close behind. Jenna motioned for Sophia to sit, and she took the chair beside her.

“So ... ” Sophia mimicked, folding her hands across her lap and squaring her shoulders, her body language rigid and tense.

“Indefinitely?” Jenna pressed, hoping Sophia would explain more.

“Yes. I just felt like I should be here, and Lord knows I can’t leave the boys with their daddy. So, we’re all here, for as long or for as short as you wish,” Sophia summed up her presence succinctly.

“Does Alex know that, you know, that you’re here?” Jenna asked.

Alexander had never made his feelings towards Sophia’s extended family a secret. He was quietly reserved, not socially verbose, and easily sprung excuses that segregated his family from the rest. It came as no surprise that Alex wasn’t with Sophia, but it was shocking he’d let her travel across the country with the boys alone.

“Of course!” Sophia snorted, her eyes opening wide. “Why wouldn’t he know where I was for pity's sake! It’s not like I left under the cloak of darkness, this trip was decided upon by us. Actually, he may be joining later on, depending,” she said, a haughty tone seeping into her voice. Alex had once been a point of further contention between the sisters, Jenna always feeling Alex stifled her sister.