The Misadventures of a Playground Mother (15 page)

I
was woken
up by the reappearance of Joan Collins, fresh from her slumbers, sashaying around the poolside. Aware of her presence, I opened one eye. I could feel Matt's gaze upon me. He was staring intently at me with a look of horror on his face and willing me not to look in Penelope's direction.

There I was, lying on my sun bed wearing my lovely, new pink-striped bikini and there was Penelope parading around the swimming pool in her lovely, new pink-striped bikini – exactly the same bloody lovely pink-striped bikini as mine. I bolted upright on my sun bed and Penelope paused in front of me; I no longer needed to squint; her body completely blocked out my sunlight. Placing her hands on her hips and one foot in front of the other, she said, ‘Ta-da! What do you think? I loved the bikini you purchased on our shopping trip so when I got home, I went straight on the internet and ordered one,' Penelope was genuinely pleased that we were on holiday wearing exactly the same bikini.

The only words that escaped from my lips were unrepeatable and the only words Matt could understand were ‘shoot me now'.

So far the first day of the holiday was going extremely well; I hadn't been arrested for murder – yet – though there was still time, nor had I chucked Penelope out onto the streets. Needing time out I got up and without saying a word, marched back inside the villa, and headed straight for the fridge. There was only one thing to do at times like this – eat chocolate. Opening the fridge door and reaching inside to the tray at the top of the fridge, I felt around for the chocolate bar I'd secretly stashed, the one I'd purchased from the supermarket earlier on. I was in need of chocolate, that and alcohol were the only two things that were going to help me survive this holiday. Frantically searching and standing on the tip of my toes, I felt around again, but the chocolate bar had disappeared. It was gone, no longer in the top tray of the door. Mystified, I could feel I was about to erupt when I noticed the empty silver foil wrapper screwed up in a ball and tossed aside on the kitchen worktop next to Penelope's handbag.

It was one thing to take advantage of my good nature and fleece me for a free holiday, it was another to parade around my villa in a bikini identical to mine, but it was inexcusable to steal any woman's chocolate. I could see the headline now ‘Death by Chocolate.' I flounced back outside. Penelope was no longer posturing around the pool but was snoozing on her towel on my sunbed in her identical bikini.

‘She'll be uncoupling my foot from her backside if she doesn't stop,' I mouthed furiously at Matt.

Matt came to the rescue, he snatched another beer from the ice bucket and forcing it into my hand, did the gentlemanly thing by placing my towel on his sunbed whilst he dive-bombed into the pool to entertain the kids for the next half hour. Rupert on his sunbed didn't move a muscle ; properly exhausted from his early morning start, his eyes were firmly closed; his black hairy legs were milk bottle white from the factor fifty sun cream he'd smeared all over them. I lay fuming on Matt's sunbed as I went through the list of Penelope's offences. I could not believe the audacity of the woman.

On a positive note, the children were having a whale of a time playing games with Matt, and jumping in and out of the pool. Their chatter and excited laughter was absolutely infectious and delightful to hear. Deciding to pour myself a gin and tonic I wandered back into the kitchen; it was nearly tea-time and the children would soon be tired and hungry. Removing all the splendid breads and cold meats from the fridge, I set about making a salad to accompany them. After laying the table outside on the patio, I pushed up the stripy umbrellas to shield the food from the sun. Placing the delicious looking foods onto the table, I called to everyone to dry themselves off and to come and eat.

Without so much as a thank-you for preparing the tea, Penelope pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head and mumbled something about going back inside for a moment, then disappeared indoors. It was no easy feat preparing meals and drinks for ten people and it was the second time today that I'd done it. The children clambered out of the water and dried themselves down with the pile of towels I'd left by the table near the pool. The sun was warm on my skin and as I sipped my gin and tonic and looked out over the sea I began to feel a little more relaxed, and hoped things would be a little easier tomorrow once Penelope and Rupert had enjoyed a decent night's sleep – in my bed.

All seated at the table and Daisy strapped in her high chair, we waited for Penelope to re-appear. Rupert poured ice-cold water for everyone. I heard the bedroom door open onto the balcony above and I watched Penelope, who had changed, flitting around above us. As she flicked her towel over the balcony, I was quite surprised she hadn't rung the maid's bell to summon me to hang it out to dry – as I was doing everything else around here at the moment. In the next instant, I observed what looked like a stripy bird soar through the early evening air. A little peeved that even the birds were the spitting image of my latest bikini, the ‘bird' came flying towards the table of food, and a second later, it landed right on top of the newly tossed salad. We all flinched and the children squealed. Rupert, plucking the stripy creature from the plum tomatoes, exposed the nearly extinct stripy bird as Penelope's bikini briefs that had been wrapped up in her towel.

I was instantly put off the salad that I'd carefully sliced and blended together with the finest olive oil. Penelope came down and casually retrieved her briefs from Rupert's hand.

With day one of the holiday nearly over and one bottle of gin entirely empty, I knew this was going to be the longest two weeks of my life.

I
lay
wide-awake and listening to the waves lapping on to the sandy shore; there didn't seem a cat in hell's chance of my falling asleep anytime soon. Matt was snoring gently beside me whilst I lay awake, completely exhausted, staring at the ceiling.

My thoughts turned to Penelope. It was a strange friendship to say the least. Fay was my real friend. She had been my best friend since I was 19 years old. We met when I worked for the civil service, and she was someone who I didn't have to text nonstop; Even when we hadn't talked for a while, we would just reconnect as if we'd never been apart. With Penelope, it was different. We had been thrown together by the constraints of the school playground, and I had been handpicked to be her friend, partly due to my newness, but probably more because she had fallen out with numerous mothers before me.

However, it was all getting too much for me. After tea, Penelope had waltzed away from the table and curled up in a comfy chair with some magazines that I had paid for, leaving me with all the washing-up. In fact, for the last twenty-four hours, Penelope had been undermining me even in my own house. I wasn't here to wait on Penelope hand and foot and I was beginning to feel very much taken for granted. Suddenly, I heard footsteps pattering towards the kitchen I turned my head towards the door and listened more intently.

It was possibly one of the children who had woken up thirsty and had decided to grab a drink from the fridge. I heard the fridge door open and the faint humming sound from the light inside; someone was rummaging around. After a few minutes, the door was shut and the footsteps went down the hallway to the living room. I heard a faint sniffle then realised I could hear someone crying. Slowly pulling back the sheets, so as not to disturb Matt, I slipped my feet into my slippers and glided my arms into my dressing gown, fastening it tight around my body. As I made my way to the living room, I saw the outline of a person huddled on a chair. Penelope was perched on the edge of the seat hugging her knees tightly and softly crying to herself.

She was startled by my appearance when I handed her a couple of tissues from the box on a nearby table. Dabbing her eyes she thanked me.

Whatever could be the matter with her?

‘I've made a terrible mistake, absolutely terrible,' Penelope whimpered.

I didn't want to push her for an explanation, as I knew of numerous mistakes she had made in the last twenty-four hours but none of them warranted this sort warrant this type of reaction. Penelope nodded in the direction of the table, where I saw a white, oblong cardboard box, which I would recognize anywhere. I was speechless.

‘How long have you known?'' I spoke softly.

‘I don't know,' she replied, ‘but I am about to find out. Deep down I already know the results; the nausea kicked in nearly two weeks ago and the tiredness is beginning to be unbearable.'

What could I say?

‘There's no time like the present,' Penelope stood up reluctantly.

She took the box from my hand, and went into the bathroom, leaving the door a little ajar. There was no uncertainty these days; if that blue line appeared Little Jonny and Annabel would be blessed with a baby brother or sister. Even I felt sick waiting on the other side of the bathroom door; but I couldn't possibly be pregnant. Last Christmas I'd been very astute, Matt thought I'd arranged a wonderful weekend away for two at a posh hotel in the country; he was disappointed to find that I'd booked him in for an afternoon for one person at Go-nads, the snip ‘n' clip clinic. He was in and out in a jiffy and the rates were very reasonable rates to say the least. I could see Penelope looking at her reflection in the mirror then she placed the test next to the basin and closed the door.

I remembered the moment when I was waiting to discover whether I was pregnant with Daisy. Pulling down my knickers I'd held the white plastic wand underneath me while I peed. Usually, this would be the longest two minutes of any woman's life, but in my case, it hadn't been. There had been no need to hold the wand up to the light, there had been no need to wait two minutes, there had been no mistaking the dark blue line that was screaming 'pregnant' right back at me. I can remember Matt whooping with delight when I announced the news. I wasn't sure Penelope would be whooping I wasn't sure what Penelope wanted, did she want to be pregnant?

‘I feel sick.' I heard Penelope whimper.

Hearing her sobs from the other side of the door, I gathered they were not sobs of relief.

‘Can I come in?' I whispered.

She opened the door clasping the white wand that was sporting a line that was too bold and blue to even think there was any kind of mistake. Judging by the look on her face the only mistake she had made was allowing herself to be in this situation in the first place.

She perched on the edge of the bath, tears streaming down her face while she clutched the-no-question-about it-I-am-pregnant stick.

‘I'm useless absolutely useless,' she sobbed in my arms.

‘Don't be daft; it's not the end of the world. This could be the making of you and Rupert. It may be the most wonderful news for you all, new beginnings for you and your family,' I replied, hugging her.

But I was quite surprised that Penelope was pregnant; she'd certainly kept it very quiet that she and Rupert were back sleeping together. I wasn't even sure what Rupert was playing at, as I knew for a fact he was still entertaining the woman with the posh car most lunch times. I hope that this might just be the news that would kick him up his backside and jolt him back into family life.

‘I don't think so, this is a disaster. My world is about to be smashed into smithereens.'

‘What what do you mean? Rupert may surprise you; this could be a fresh start for you all.'

‘I know the exact time of conception and Rupert wasn't there.'

My jaw crashed to the ground. I wasn't expecting that bombshell.

‘The location was the disabled toilet of the snooker hall – Clive.' Her moment of madness on the night of her speed-dating escapade. Wrong time – wrong man.

I remembered Clive, the Jonny Vegas look-alike, and winced. I brought my hands up to cup my face.

‘Shit!' I said, unhelpfully.

I had to admit it was definitely a setback. What had Penelope been thinking? Who rides bareback with a stranger these days and who rides bare back with a Jonny Vegas look alike?

There was nothing more that could be done that night. With the pregnancy confirmed, Penelope needed to make a few decisions and at this moment in time, I was glad I wasn't the one in her stripy bikini. Luckily, for her, she could use the two-week holiday to take time out from her normal routine and establish a plan of action.

I didn't have any advice for her, but I knew I would just have to be around to pick up the pieces whatever happened, and knowing my luck I would be the one left holding the baby.

I knew Penelope was scared, but her mind would be in overdrive I could see the cogs were turning and that perhaps she was considering passing the baby off as Rupert's. I could feel it in my waters.

Looking out of the bathroom window, I noticed the sun beginning to rise in the distance. Its reflection on to the sea below gave a sense of calmness. Savouring the moment, I glanced at my watch. It was now nearly 5 a.m., and in just a couple of hours the children would be wide-awake, full of energy looking forward to the day ahead. I rubbed my hands over my eyes realising I too needed to gain a little sleep. I was feeling so drained; maybe I could catch a couple of hours sleep on the sunbed tomorrow. Removing the test from Penelope's hand, I disposed of the white wand – wishing I could wave a magic one – back into its packaging and slipped it into the pocket of my dressing gown.

Giving Penelope another hug, I suggested she try to get a couple of hours sleep at least.

I returned to bed, waves of tiredness came flooded through my body as I climbed back in.

‘Where have you been?' Matt spoke softly. ‘You've been gone ages.'

‘Nothing to worry about, I just couldn't sleep. It must be this mattress, I'm not used to it, go back to sleep, it's only early.'

Instantly, Matt drifted off to sleep, and I lay awake. What an eventful couple of hours it had been. Penelope would need to make a few decisions fast. Rupert would be constantly under her feet for the next two weeks, and he wasn't daft. What if he was clever enough to piece together the change in her behaviour – the lack of alcohol, her tiredness, not to mention the morning sickness that could be a dead giveaway?