The Missing Husband (27 page)

Jo put the dramas of the day to the back of her mind as she concentrated on her son. Using her organisational skills to her advantage, she embarked upon his night-time routine with surprising confidence. Archie not only noticed but approved of the change in his mother and although he objected from time to time, he didn’t summon up the primal fury that usually accompanied his last feed. There was no final battle of wills that would last until they were both drained of energy.

Tonight they were both winners and when Jo placed a sleeping Archie in his bassinet, she was aware of a warmth in her chest, the swell of pride and the rush of love that was all but alien to her in recent months. She had a silly, goofy grin on her face as she switched on the intercom in her bedroom so she could slip back downstairs to find some sustenance of her own – she was ravenous.

Jo was only halfway down the stairs when she caught sight of the street lights flickering outside. Her smile froze and she tried to convince herself that it was only tree branches casting spindly shadows across the window panes in the door but in the next moment they fused together and the silhouette took human form.

The faceless visitor had short-cropped hair and broad shoulders that stretched as an arm reach upwards. For a heart-stopping moment, Jo waited for the sound of a key engaging in the lock. The air in her lungs burned as she held her breath and then an electric shock zipped across every nerve in her body as a hand rapped on the window.

It was only reflex that forced her to exhale in a howling gasp. Her thumping heart expanded with each beat until it was crushing her useless lungs. She started to feel dizzy, only managing to gulp tiny mouthfuls of air. The blood had drained from her face and the sweat that had sprung to her brow felt cold. The figure knocked on the door again and the shock broke through Jo’s inertia. She propelled herself towards the door where the silhouette had cupped his hand across the red and green glass panels and was peering at her. She imagined she saw the twinkle of David’s eyes as he sought her out.

Jo struggled with the doorknob because her fingers had seized up but somehow she managed and flung the door open wide. With the last breath in her body she screamed in rage and hit out at the man standing in front of her who wasn’t quick enough to dodge the first blow. Steve yelled too as he stumbled back a few steps before lurching forward again and grabbing both Jo’s hands. She was still screaming as he pushed her back into the house, keeping hold of her as he jammed her up against the wall and held her hands aloft until her rage was spent. It took a few moments for Jo to steady her breathing enough to talk and there remained pure hatred in her eyes as she glared at her brother-in-law.

‘Why couldn’t you have been David? Why, Steve?’ she cried. ‘Have you been with him? Do you know where he is? Tell me where he is. Tell me!’

‘I don’t know, Jo, but if I did I swear I’d drag him home myself.’ His words were slurred and yet despite the putrid stench of beer that wafted towards her, Steve didn’t seem to be as drunk as Jo would have expected after one of his binges.

Her nostrils flared and her hands were still balled into fists as Jo struggled to free herself from Steve’s grasp. She spat the next words out. ‘I hate him! More than I’ve ever hated anyone or anything. I hate him with every bone in my body.’

‘No you don’t.’

‘Yes, I do!’ Jo was panting, and with each breath she released silent words that contradicted everything she had just said. Of course she loved him. She would always love him.
Come back, I love you
, each breath whispered.

Steve looked at her curiously, as if he had been eavesdropping on her private thoughts, and Jo redirected her anger. ‘And you’re no better. Do you know what kind of hell you’ve put your mum through?’

‘I know,’ he said.

‘Then phone her, Steve, and let her know you’ve managed to drag yourself out of the gutter she imagines you’re lying dead in!’

‘I will,’ he promised. ‘Is it safe to let you go first?’

Jo had still been trying to pull her hands free but she splayed out her fingers in surrender and stopped resisting.

Steve let her go but held his ground.

‘Go away, Steve,’ she said, wearily. ‘You deserve the mess you’ve got yourself into and you won’t get any sympathy from me. I know I’ve made mistakes in my time but not like you. If you’ve wrecked your marriage, if you’ve lost your son, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Go away, please.’

Her brother-in-law looked as if he was about to go but then said, ‘You don’t really hate Dave, do you?’

Jo wanted to tell him to mind his own business but fear nipped at her heart. What if Steve
did
have contact with David, what reports would he send back to him? Her lip trembled as she whispered, ‘No, no I don’t hate him. I love him and I don’t care where he’s been or what he’s been doing, I just want him home.’

‘You thought I was Dave coming home at last, didn’t you?’

She nodded, then swallowed what little was left of her pride to plead with his brother. ‘Please, Steve, tell me if you know anything. I won’t ask anything else; just tell me he’s safe.’ The appeal was enough to force another eruption of emotions from Jo and she began to sob. ‘Tell me there’s a chance he might come home one day.’

‘Sorry,’ he croaked. ‘I wish I could but I can’t.’

‘I can’t bear this,’ she cried and when Steve put a hand tentatively on her shoulder she fell forward into his arms despite herself.

Closing her eyes and squeezing back her tears, Jo felt his body wrap around hers and she held on as if her life depended on it. She held her breath for as long as she could, not wanting to breathe in the stale smell of beer that was Steve’s trademark, that wasn’t her husband’s. The spell was broken with the first gasp of air and she tried to pull away from her brother-in-law but the wall behind her prevented her escape. She managed to push a little distance between them and wiped her eyes, trying to regain her composure.

‘Why did you come here, Steve?’ she asked.

‘I thought I could stay here. I don’t have anywhere else to go.’

‘You can go to your mum’s. In fact, she’s expecting you.’

When Steve drew closer, Jo went to push him away but he took hold of her hand and held it against his chest. His face loomed in front of her. ‘Don’t you get lonely, Jo?’ he whispered in her ear. ‘I think of you here all by yourself. It’s not right and if Dave can’t be here then I want to help.’

His lips brushed her ear and at first she couldn’t believe what was happening. She opened her mouth to scream at him to get away but Steve stifled her cry with a kiss.

The touch of his wet lips was repulsive but the adrenalin rush gave Jo the strength to lunge forward and force him away. The front door was still open and Jo didn’t stop pushing until Steve tumbled back out of the door and on to the ground.

‘Don’t you dare touch me again!’ she shouted. ‘Do you really think you’re some kind of replacement for your brother?’

‘I only wanted to help, Jo,’ Steve said as he got back unsteadily to his feet. ‘I feel so damned guilty. I should be able to find Dave even if the police can’t. It’s eating me up.’

‘You don’t have to feel guilty, Steve, I’m doing enough of that for everyone. But let me make one thing perfectly clear.’ Her eyes narrowed and her words had a venomous bite to them. ‘It doesn’t matter where David is or what he’s done, it doesn’t even matter if he’s shacked up with someone else and never wants to come back to me: you are never going to take his place. Not ever, Steve. He will always be ten times the man that you are.’

‘I know that,’ Steve answered. He was crying now. ‘And I know he would be here if he could. I really believe that, Jo. We should still be out looking for him. He wouldn’t want us to give up.’

‘So explain why someone who is perfectly capable of finding his way to the bank should still need help finding his way home?’

Jo caught herself looking to Steve for the answer but then realized how utterly useless he was. He was swaying from side to side and shivering in nothing but jeans and a T-shirt. He pulled a baseball cap from his back pocket in preparation for the hike to Irene’s. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and she could still hear him mumbling about being sorry as she closed the door. She engaged all the locks before rushing upstairs to the bathroom where she scrubbed her teeth then jumped into the shower to cleanse herself. Only then did she feel ready to make a quick call to Irene to give her the wonderful news that at least one of her sons was safe and well.

When Archie woke up for his next feed, Jo lifted him gently from his bassinet and took him into the nursery where she was soon rocking her satiated baby back to sleep. The music from the mobile sliced through the emptiness enshrouding the room, and even though it was only half past nine, Jo was also ready to give in to exhaustion. The events of the last few hours had drained all her resources and she was desperate to be released from her thoughts.

As she drifted off, Jo continued to sing along to the lullaby, long after the mobile had stopped turning. In her dream, she could see sunlight streaming through the front door. She could see the perfect outline of her husband surrounded by a halo of red and green light so bright it stung her eyes. Jo’s heart beat once, then soared and her fingers were bathed in sunlight as she reached towards the doorknob. But when her skin touched the metal, the icy cold shock ran through her body like a bolt of lightning before plunging the house into darkness. Overcome with dread she opened the door and found Steve standing there amongst the shadows. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered as he made a grab for her. Jo stumbled back and for one terrifying second she felt her body plummeting before waking up with a sickening jolt. Archie felt it too and began to whimper. She kissed the top of his head and gently stroked a finger down his nose, over his lips and coming to rest on the merest suggestion of a groove in his chin just like his daddy’s. ‘Please don’t take my sunshine away,’ she began to sing, and as her words echoed in the darkness, they both began to cry.

21

When Jo got up on Sunday morning, the world had returned to normal – or at least what counted for normal within the four walls of her pristine and empty house. After proving to Archie that she was as incompetent as ever by taking over an hour to feed and change him, she felt exhausted but not too exhausted to get herself dressed and ready to go out. Steph had invited her over for lunch and she was glad of the excuse to escape the confines of the house. She had mopped away the trail of footprints Steve had left at the door but the aftershock of his arrival persisted.

Archie remained fast asleep as she prepared to leave, but when she placed him in his baby carrier, his eyes flickered opened and he glared at her. She felt ridiculous, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. She was determinedly holding on to the feeling she’d had the night before; of wanting to hold him and love him as a real mother should; but only just. She loved him, but she couldn’t give that love freely when she was expecting her son to reject her affection in much the same way as his father had.

More desperate than ever to get away, Jo picked up the baby carrier and turned to face the front door, but then came to a juddering halt. The sun was shining brightly through the stained glass, scattering a rainbow across the hallway like the creeping fragments of a dream. Her skin began to prickle as she raised her eyes to the doorknob and her fingers tingled with the memory of the ice-cold touch of metal. She tried to take a deep breath but her lungs refused to expand and the little air she had managed to inhale was released with a gasp, quickly followed by another. Her cheeks burned as she recalled the David-shaped silhouette that had appeared out of the shadows the night before.

Since Archie’s birth, Jo had come dangerously close to having another panic attack on a few occasions, but she had always managed to regain control. This one was different. It struck without warning and her muscles began to seize up almost immediately, which only added to her distress. There was a thumping pain in her chest and her arms and legs became leaden even as her mind screamed at her to move. She was fighting a losing battle and, with the power of an avalanche beginning its slow tumble downhill, the attack fed off her rising sense of powerlessness. Jo’s gaze remained fixed on the door and panic turned to terror as she realized she had become completely paralyzed.

‘Help me,’ she gasped.

I’m here
, whispered a voice in her ear.

She closed her eyes. ‘David,’ she said as she leaned ever so slightly into the man standing behind her.

Her husband’s hand swept down the side of her face, wiping away the tears. His fingers trailed down her neck, making her shiver and releasing some of the tension. He slipped his arms around her, placing a hand over her diaphragm.
Breathe with me
, he said.

Jo took a breath and was surprised how deeply she was able to inhale.

Slowly, let it out
, he commanded.

She could feel his breath against her face as he exhaled with her.
That’s good. Now, let’s try that again
.

It was only when she tried to lean further into David and stumbled back a few steps that she realized she had broken through her inertia. Still holding the baby carrier, Jo started to move but instead of heading out through the door, she found herself in the living room where she waited until she could trust her voice not to tremble before picking up the phone to make her excuses to Steph.

‘Why are you out of breath?’ Steph demanded. She was standing on the doorstep with her arms laden with takeaway containers.

Jo shoved her shaking hands into her pockets and licked her parched lips. Steph had promised to call in after school to drop off the leftovers from Sunday lunch since Jo had been too exhausted to come over. Jo had been expecting the knock on the door, she had known it would be Steph and she had even practised opening the door a couple of times. She couldn’t explain why something so simple had become such an impossible task. She managed a smile as she let her sister into the house. The door had not defeated her.